I don't know if this will end up in a different section, but I need to try to get a few things out and I'm failing with writing. I feel totally overwhelmed, exhausted, disorganized, and all of the attachment anxiety/issues. I reached out to my therapist. She has an open call/email between sessions policy.
I emailed her yesterday afternoon after I got the first official response to a lawsuit I'm in the early stages of (employment discrimination due to disability). I really needed some help just containing and wanted to feel like I could trust someone since the employment stuff makes me paranoid of everyone at current work, so angry at two former coworkers, and leaves me with a the world vs. me feeling. She responded in the evening saying she didn't see it, sorry.... Okay. Fair. Granted, I had a lot of thoughts like, "Is she playing games with me?" "Maybe she's testing my theory that I'm borderline and waiting to see if I freak out." "Maybe she wants to see what happens when she doesn't offer help?" "Maybe she thinks I'll just handle it." But I do get that she has a life and sometimes that life may not involve checking her email (I know many times mine doesn't).
This morning at 7am, I sent her another email to ask for a five min. call. I've spoken on the phone w/ her maybe 5x in the year-ish we've worked together; I've sent maybe 3 emails that were none scheduling related. It makes me feel embarrassed to even ask and I don't want to burden and I feel needy and all the imaginable insecurities. She replied at 12pm ish that she'd call when she had a break. It's 10pm. She didn't call. I emailed her and wrote, "You didn't call. It makes me feel forgotten. I have feelings and so many that I can't process what mine are on this. I don't know if I will or need to say more...."
This whole situation, all my anxieties about the lawsuit, paranoia about work and coworkers, and self hatred about even contacting my therapist just makes me feel stupid and like I am creating chaos or just stuck in chaos. I don't know what's happening or what relates to things that were happening. I can't figure it out. Hopefully, writing this and ya'll's thoughts will help.
I emailed her yesterday afternoon after I got the first official response to a lawsuit I'm in the early stages of (employment discrimination due to disability). I really needed some help just containing and wanted to feel like I could trust someone since the employment stuff makes me paranoid of everyone at current work, so angry at two former coworkers, and leaves me with a the world vs. me feeling. She responded in the evening saying she didn't see it, sorry.... Okay. Fair. Granted, I had a lot of thoughts like, "Is she playing games with me?" "Maybe she's testing my theory that I'm borderline and waiting to see if I freak out." "Maybe she wants to see what happens when she doesn't offer help?" "Maybe she thinks I'll just handle it." But I do get that she has a life and sometimes that life may not involve checking her email (I know many times mine doesn't).
This morning at 7am, I sent her another email to ask for a five min. call. I've spoken on the phone w/ her maybe 5x in the year-ish we've worked together; I've sent maybe 3 emails that were none scheduling related. It makes me feel embarrassed to even ask and I don't want to burden and I feel needy and all the imaginable insecurities. She replied at 12pm ish that she'd call when she had a break. It's 10pm. She didn't call. I emailed her and wrote, "You didn't call. It makes me feel forgotten. I have feelings and so many that I can't process what mine are on this. I don't know if I will or need to say more...."
This whole situation, all my anxieties about the lawsuit, paranoia about work and coworkers, and self hatred about even contacting my therapist just makes me feel stupid and like I am creating chaos or just stuck in chaos. I don't know what's happening or what relates to things that were happening. I can't figure it out. Hopefully, writing this and ya'll's thoughts will help.