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Too Overwhelmed To Name Properly

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I don't know if this will end up in a different section, but I need to try to get a few things out and I'm failing with writing. I feel totally overwhelmed, exhausted, disorganized, and all of the attachment anxiety/issues. I reached out to my therapist. She has an open call/email between sessions policy.

I emailed her yesterday afternoon after I got the first official response to a lawsuit I'm in the early stages of (employment discrimination due to disability). I really needed some help just containing and wanted to feel like I could trust someone since the employment stuff makes me paranoid of everyone at current work, so angry at two former coworkers, and leaves me with a the world vs. me feeling. She responded in the evening saying she didn't see it, sorry.... Okay. Fair. Granted, I had a lot of thoughts like, "Is she playing games with me?" "Maybe she's testing my theory that I'm borderline and waiting to see if I freak out." "Maybe she wants to see what happens when she doesn't offer help?" "Maybe she thinks I'll just handle it." But I do get that she has a life and sometimes that life may not involve checking her email (I know many times mine doesn't).

This morning at 7am, I sent her another email to ask for a five min. call. I've spoken on the phone w/ her maybe 5x in the year-ish we've worked together; I've sent maybe 3 emails that were none scheduling related. It makes me feel embarrassed to even ask and I don't want to burden and I feel needy and all the imaginable insecurities. She replied at 12pm ish that she'd call when she had a break. It's 10pm. She didn't call. I emailed her and wrote, "You didn't call. It makes me feel forgotten. I have feelings and so many that I can't process what mine are on this. I don't know if I will or need to say more...."

This whole situation, all my anxieties about the lawsuit, paranoia about work and coworkers, and self hatred about even contacting my therapist just makes me feel stupid and like I am creating chaos or just stuck in chaos. I don't know what's happening or what relates to things that were happening. I can't figure it out. Hopefully, writing this and ya'll's thoughts will help.
 
Also, I'm still having the "Is this a game?" "Is this a punishment?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Is she dead?" "Maybe her husband/baby died." "Is this to see how I will react?" "Is this what's going to happen when the lawsuit gets worse too?" "Maybe it relates to her lack of sleep recently." "Maybe I should overreact." "What if I didn't say anything, would she even notice?"
 
First off, welcome to the forum!

Unless she's a first rate asshole, she's not playing games or testing you. Granted there are some really bad therapists out there, but if she's got all the right credentials and experience, there's probably a perfectly good explanation.

That said, therapists can't be there all the time. They have multiple clients, all with serious needs, and they have their own lives to deal with. They are human too, most of them anyway.

My advice is to search around on the forum and the web for "mindfulness" and "grounding" and "breathing." After reading your post, I sense a great deal of anxiety, and the first thing we do when we're anxious is we stop breathing. So breathe: ten deep breaths, then ten more.

Secondly, post questions, ask for advice here on the forum so that it isn't all up to your therapist. You'll get lots of good advice and support.
 
Sorry for you situation. Painful :/ Your reactions are familiar to me, for the obvious reasons. I think SOME therapists have wanted to be there for me in the panicked times, but if my panic escalates, I think that it triggers the therapists, so much, that they almost have take distance, to not get dragged into my vortex.

Distance wasn't meant to be a punishment. I imagine as your panic declines, you T will engage, as before.
 
It is in these groups that you will really find the help that you often need, because we all can relate to others with the same condition. Therapist or not, only someone that actually experiences PTSD is in the full know here, do not care what anyone says about that, enough that I know.
If a doctor treats someone with a heart attack they know the physical symptoms but they do not feel them, nough said.

These groups, with us as we go through the same thing, is where help really does exist. We are up at all hours of the day and night with this condition, just like you, with pains just like you.
 
"Is this a game?" "Is this a punishment?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Is she dead?" "Maybe her husband/baby died." "Is this to see how I will react?" "Is this what's going to happen when the lawsuit gets worse too?" "Maybe it relates to her lack of sleep recently." "Maybe I should overreact." "What if I didn't say anything, would she even notice?"
And I just have to ask after all of this. wouldn't it be a shame if it has nothing to do with any of these things?
 
Thanks y'all for your replies. Btw I am not new. I have been trying to ground and that's helpful. @shimmerz, your thoughts are mine exactly which is why I tried to send a neutrally worded email abt feeling forgotten. This whole situation esp the lawsuit just triggers all of my attachment stuff. It's like a vortex.
 
Attachment issues suck. I hope you are feeling better Biz....Just remember, Mindfulness is next to godliness! :D
 
She told me to call the next day at a certain time, I did and she didn't return my call. She text me this morning to apologize and explain that because I hadn't left a voicemail and she hadn't checked missed calls until this morning that she didn't know. Honestly I think she wants to support me but, and I'm gonna talk w her today abt it, she's pregnant and super sick and I think intentions aside she may not be able to be there for calls and idk where that leaves me and if I need that or not. Depositions on the lawsuit will start in the fall; that'll be hard and that's also when she's gonna have the baby. I like my therapist but I might need someone who has time that she doesn't have. Or maybe I'm just being codependent.
 
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