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Torture at home

Discussion in 'Childhood' started by azalea, Feb 13, 2018.

  1. azalea

    azalea New Member

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    My parents have been fighting non-stop since last summer. Even going through forming a legal affidavit which was broken in less than a month, having the police called over a couple of times, my father attempting to murder my mom and a pact of not speaking or staying in the same room which has been followed for 2 months with a few days of exceptions. It has crossed mental, emotional and physical violence. I've stayed calm and had patience for all this time as I've been suffering from bouts of a mental disorder which affects my mood and gives me hallucinations, which I've been clinically diagnosed and prescribed medications for (before these fights started). Going through it has given me more patience to deal with things happening around me. It gets triggered during especially bad times of fighting and I don't have the meds anymore nor take sessions because South-Asian psychiatrists aren't exactly what you would call "professionals". My father is a slave to alcohol and controlling behavior to which my mom is a victim. He's physically abused her before as well, in front of me. Recently I've lost my patience and have been throwing objects, hitting and swearing at him. He doesn't reciprocate towards me, though. I feel immensely guilty about it afterwards as I'm scared that I'm turning out like him. I can't control my anger like I used to due to my illness resurfacing. I've tried counselling him too but it doesn't work, have been trying for a year and more now. I've given up faith in him entirely. My mom is spiraling into depression too so I'm trying to help her as well. I used to peacefully try to handle the fights before and I've tried everything from not interfering, trying to reason and judge arguments fairly, to forcing both of them into their rooms. The method of violence I've landed upon seems to be working better than everything else I've tried, except that I feel more hollow and dehumanized. I no longer cry but instead feel a lot happier than before, though I know there's something wrong about the way I'm handling this.

    The only reason I'm posting this is because I believe I'm suffering from stress and losing my cool too often compared to before. I get angry more easily these days and don't hesitate to pick up a knife or something to threaten my father when he starts acting up. I believe this isn't good for my mental health at all and fear that I may end up losing control and doing something I shouldn't. My parents can't separate for reasons till April so I need to have control till then, my best friend whom I trust a lot has advised I should meditate so I've been trying that but it rarely works. If the information is necessary, then I'm 14 turning 15 this March, living in India. I can't afford therapy or medication anymore and my real life friends most probably won't be able to help me out.
     
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  3. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    wow kiddo - you sound like you have quite the situation on your hands! I'm so sorry -- nobody should have to live with out of control adults.

    I'm really proud of you for realizing that your behavior is starting to mimic your dad's. that's a lot of self awareness!

    Do you have any family members or friends you can stay with until April? That might be the easiest because what is going on between your mom and dad is not something you can fix --- no matter how hard you try or how much you want to

    I think going back to counseling to work on the anger issues might be a good thing. That's a very specific need and there are tools they can teach you to prevent it from escalating. Is there any kind of counseling services through your school? Or church?

    another option is An-Anon -- its part of alcoholics anonymous but it's for the family members of an alcoholic. I'm not sure if they are in India but there should be an online group you can join. They can help you understand what is going on and why, and give you some skills to cope with the decisions your dad is making
     
  4. azalea

    azalea New Member

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    I can't stay with friends or family. The only relatives I could be able to stay with are on my father's side and even if I stay with them, my mom would be left alone. She's the actual target of these issues, so. I did try before but I got too worried about her and returned, and it was a good thing I did.

    Counselling in my country is 1. expensive, 2. looked down upon, and 3. of little to no help. No counselling services at school and my family belongs to Hinduism which doesn't offer this. Plus I'm not a religious person myself. Even if we were Christian and religious, there are no nearby churches.

    I'll check out the website you recommend though, thank you!
     
    Freida and Congruency like this.
  5. Congruency

    Congruency Tumultuous Uprising Premium Member Donated

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    Wow @azalea that's a super tough situation you're experiencing on a daily basis.

    I think @Freida meant to write Al-Anon. Here's there website.

    There's also Alateen for teenagers ages 13 to 18. There's a live chat on that page with a connection at the bottom of it.

    Here's the contact information for Al-Anon in India. It includes Alateen.
    General Service Office Al-Anon India
    Work
    C/O St Joseph Convent
    64, Hill Roadbandra West
    Mumbai 400050 MAHARASHTRA INDIA
    Work Phone: 84207 38682
    Work Email: [email protected]
    Website: http://www.al-anonalateenindia.org
     
    LuckiLee and Freida like this.
  6. azalea

    azalea New Member

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    I found the website anyway. Unfortunately their support group is in another state...
     
    Freida likes this.
  7. Congruency

    Congruency Tumultuous Uprising Premium Member Donated

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    Did you see the online chat for Alateen?
     
    Freida likes this.
  8. azalea

    azalea New Member

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    I didn't, but I did some searching on the website and I don't really understand how they can help me?
     
  9. Congruency

    Congruency Tumultuous Uprising Premium Member Donated

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    It's a place where you can talk to other teens going through what you're going through.

    I used to attend Adult Child of Dysfunctional Family (ACDF) meetings when I first started my healing journey. I found it quite helpful to hear that I was not alone in what happened to me as a child.
     
  10. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    Thanks for catching that @Congruency!

    @azalea she is correct..it's about connecting with people who know what you are going thru.... Having a couple different places to go helps a lot
     
    Congruency likes this.
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