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Childhood Torture at home

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azalea

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My parents have been fighting non-stop since last summer. Even going through forming a legal affidavit which was broken in less than a month, having the police called over a couple of times, my father attempting to murder my mom and a pact of not speaking or staying in the same room which has been followed for 2 months with a few days of exceptions. It has crossed mental, emotional and physical violence. I've stayed calm and had patience for all this time as I've been suffering from bouts of a mental disorder which affects my mood and gives me hallucinations, which I've been clinically diagnosed and prescribed medications for (before these fights started). Going through it has given me more patience to deal with things happening around me. It gets triggered during especially bad times of fighting and I don't have the meds anymore nor take sessions because South-Asian psychiatrists aren't exactly what you would call "professionals". My father is a slave to alcohol and controlling behavior to which my mom is a victim. He's physically abused her before as well, in front of me. Recently I've lost my patience and have been throwing objects, hitting and swearing at him. He doesn't reciprocate towards me, though. I feel immensely guilty about it afterwards as I'm scared that I'm turning out like him. I can't control my anger like I used to due to my illness resurfacing. I've tried counselling him too but it doesn't work, have been trying for a year and more now. I've given up faith in him entirely. My mom is spiraling into depression too so I'm trying to help her as well. I used to peacefully try to handle the fights before and I've tried everything from not interfering, trying to reason and judge arguments fairly, to forcing both of them into their rooms. The method of violence I've landed upon seems to be working better than everything else I've tried, except that I feel more hollow and dehumanized. I no longer cry but instead feel a lot happier than before, though I know there's something wrong about the way I'm handling this.

The only reason I'm posting this is because I believe I'm suffering from stress and losing my cool too often compared to before. I get angry more easily these days and don't hesitate to pick up a knife or something to threaten my father when he starts acting up. I believe this isn't good for my mental health at all and fear that I may end up losing control and doing something I shouldn't. My parents can't separate for reasons till April so I need to have control till then, my best friend whom I trust a lot has advised I should meditate so I've been trying that but it rarely works. If the information is necessary, then I'm 14 turning 15 this March, living in India. I can't afford therapy or medication anymore and my real life friends most probably won't be able to help me out.
 
wow kiddo - you sound like you have quite the situation on your hands! I'm so sorry -- nobody should have to live with out of control adults.

I'm really proud of you for realizing that your behavior is starting to mimic your dad's. that's a lot of self awareness!

Do you have any family members or friends you can stay with until April? That might be the easiest because what is going on between your mom and dad is not something you can fix --- no matter how hard you try or how much you want to

I think going back to counseling to work on the anger issues might be a good thing. That's a very specific need and there are tools they can teach you to prevent it from escalating. Is there any kind of counseling services through your school? Or church?

another option is An-Anon -- its part of alcoholics anonymous but it's for the family members of an alcoholic. I'm not sure if they are in India but there should be an online group you can join. They can help you understand what is going on and why, and give you some skills to cope with the decisions your dad is making
 
wow kiddo - you sound like you have quite the situation on your hands! I'm so sorry -- nobody should ha...

I can't stay with friends or family. The only relatives I could be able to stay with are on my father's side and even if I stay with them, my mom would be left alone. She's the actual target of these issues, so. I did try before but I got too worried about her and returned, and it was a good thing I did.

Counselling in my country is 1. expensive, 2. looked down upon, and 3. of little to no help. No counselling services at school and my family belongs to Hinduism which doesn't offer this. Plus I'm not a religious person myself. Even if we were Christian and religious, there are no nearby churches.

I'll check out the website you recommend though, thank you!
 
Wow @azalea that's a super tough situation you're experiencing on a daily basis.

I think @Freida meant to write Al-Anon. Here's there website.

There's also Alateen for teenagers ages 13 to 18. There's a live chat on that page with a connection at the bottom of it.

Here's the contact information for Al-Anon in India. It includes Alateen.
General Service Office Al-Anon India
Work
C/O St Joseph Convent
64, Hill Roadbandra West
Mumbai 400050 MAHARASHTRA INDIA
Work Phone: 84207 38682
Work Email: [email protected]
Website: http://www.al-anonalateenindia.org
 
It's a place where you can talk to other teens going through what you're going through.

I used to attend Adult Child of Dysfunctional Family (ACDF) meetings when I first started my healing journey. I found it quite helpful to hear that I was not alone in what happened to me as a child.
 
An update, I guess. I never ended up joining the online chat, but my situation has gotten a bit better, sort of. A few more incidents happened then my father decided to back off the alcohol because of my board exams (sort of like GCSE exams), if I can't pass them I won't be able to get into the boarding school which I've planned to study in since I can't live with either of my parents (mom can't finance my education, father is... you know). The best thing is that they've finally filed for a divorce but due to laws, they have to live 6 months apart from each other to finalize if they're ready for it or not. Yes, the situation has gotten much better but I think my PTSD has gotten worse. My temper is well in control since the situation is fine, but my nightmares have increased. I also face really bad anxiety for a while whenever I hear a door close even slightly loud, or something heavy drop, or someone shouting at someone else. These things are harder to control than my temper, actually I can't control them at all... What should I do?
 
I think you should give it time. It's not odd that your anger is up, or your anxiety, or your nightmares. It will take some time to get through this to a point of calming down.

Anything grounding can help you -- meditation, of course, or this exercise that helps me:

5 slow seconds breathing in
2 seconds pause
7 seconds breathing out

Good luck on those exams
 
Yes, the situation has gotten much better but I think my PTSD has gotten worse.
Have you been diagnosed with PTSD because what you describe sounds like a very usual reaction to your home situation as opposed to being “disordered” as such.

It might be worth really working on things like relaxation, breathing exercises, journaling and self care (ie getting enough rest, eating as well as you can, looking after yourself. As you feel safer, your system should settle down (or not) - at the moment give yourself time to process what’s been happening.
 
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