My parents have been fighting non-stop since last summer. Even going through forming a legal affidavit which was broken in less than a month, having the police called over a couple of times, my father attempting to murder my mom and a pact of not speaking or staying in the same room which has been followed for 2 months with a few days of exceptions. It has crossed mental, emotional and physical violence. I've stayed calm and had patience for all this time as I've been suffering from bouts of a mental disorder which affects my mood and gives me hallucinations, which I've been clinically diagnosed and prescribed medications for (before these fights started). Going through it has given me more patience to deal with things happening around me. It gets triggered during especially bad times of fighting and I don't have the meds anymore nor take sessions because South-Asian psychiatrists aren't exactly what you would call "professionals". My father is a slave to alcohol and controlling behavior to which my mom is a victim. He's physically abused her before as well, in front of me. Recently I've lost my patience and have been throwing objects, hitting and swearing at him. He doesn't reciprocate towards me, though. I feel immensely guilty about it afterwards as I'm scared that I'm turning out like him. I can't control my anger like I used to due to my illness resurfacing. I've tried counselling him too but it doesn't work, have been trying for a year and more now. I've given up faith in him entirely. My mom is spiraling into depression too so I'm trying to help her as well. I used to peacefully try to handle the fights before and I've tried everything from not interfering, trying to reason and judge arguments fairly, to forcing both of them into their rooms. The method of violence I've landed upon seems to be working better than everything else I've tried, except that I feel more hollow and dehumanized. I no longer cry but instead feel a lot happier than before, though I know there's something wrong about the way I'm handling this. The only reason I'm posting this is because I believe I'm suffering from stress and losing my cool too often compared to before. I get angry more easily these days and don't hesitate to pick up a knife or something to threaten my father when he starts acting up. I believe this isn't good for my mental health at all and fear that I may end up losing control and doing something I shouldn't. My parents can't separate for reasons till April so I need to have control till then, my best friend whom I trust a lot has advised I should meditate so I've been trying that but it rarely works. If the information is necessary, then I'm 14 turning 15 this March, living in India. I can't afford therapy or medication anymore and my real life friends most probably won't be able to help me out.