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Tough Love

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LittleRuzi

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I don't really post on here much. Its hard for me to talk about things, and the stuff I've been through. I didn't even know i had PTSD until 2 months ago, but it seems that I've had this uncontrollable anger for 2 years. I didn't even know what i was angry about, but now i do. I have major control issues, communication issues, and i also got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
I don't know how to handle these mood swings, especially around my own mom I have to see everyday. We have such a complicated relationship. She mentally and physically abused me for years, but at the same time, i know she loves me very much. She's changed a lot since then and hasn't touched me since I was 16 with was about a two years ago.
But everyday i see the face that pushed me around, yelled at me, cornered me, and got so angry over the smallest things like leaving my homework at home and forgetting to bring it to school. It's so hard for me to believe that she actually loves me for real, that she won't corner me again.
I feel as if the trust between me and her has been broken. All i remember who my early teen years is yelling and anger all aimed towards me. I remember none of the happy times, and it sucks. I WANT to love my mom. I WANT to trust her and feel that she is guilty for what she did, but at the same time, this anger inside of me keeps telling me to stay mad, that she is the worst person in the world.
I feel so conflicted inside. The emotional pain I feels incurable and she caused all of it, and sometimes i still blame myself for all of it.
I just wish it wasn't so hard to love my own parent.
 
I can relate to you. I feel the exact same way towards my dad and I speak to my dad nearly every day. Its really difficult to believe that they won't hurt you again coz it has happened so many times in the past. I struggle to trust my dad, just as you struggle to trust your mom. For me, trust is something that has to be earned because I've been hurt so much, not just with my dad. There are always scars after abuse. I'm still angry at my dad after all these years and still have flashbacks.
As shimmerz said, you are starting to think healthy and that's a great thing. You're using caution in trusting her again. After all you've been through, it will be difficult to trust again because you've been hurt.
I hope my experience helps you in your situation with your mom.
 
This is actually healthy thinking. Why did the behaviour in her change?

I got an eating disorder when i was 16. my own life wasn't my own anymore, and my form of rebellion against my controlling mom was getting anorexia. She finally noticed after months, and was concerned. She was overweight for most of my life but lost about 65 pounds after my eating disorder and found yoga. She said she did it all to teach me how to be healthier while i was getting over my eating disorder, but at the same time it made me feel worse.
Yoga helped with her anger, and my therapist for my eating disorder made my mom realize at least a little bit that her anger was really unhealthy in our family, now my mom takes all her anger out in yoga. She's a totally different person, and its hard to get used to.
 
@LittleRuzi, would your mom be willing to go to family therapy with you?

You're asking a lot of yourself to suddenly catch up with 2 years of change when you lived with many more years of bad. Even though she's your mom, you really need to start at zero and build a relationship, if there is going to be one. That's a two-person process. It sounds from your posts as if you think it's really all on you (which makes sense, given how you were raised. You've been coping on your own for a long time).

If your ED therapist also does family work, they could be a really good candidate - since there is already some foundation there.
 
Has your mother apologized to you? Has she been encouraging toward you? Has she told you that she understands that you may not ever be able to come to trust her given her past behavior?
It sounds like she has made big changes for herself and is not taking her anger out on you anymore. It may be harder for her to accept the long term damage she has caused to your relationship, some of which may take a long time to be repaired, or never repaired.

Going to therapy with her would be a great way to move forward.
 
Has your mother apologized to you? Has she been encouraging toward you? Has she told you that she understands that you may not ever be able to come to trust her given her past behavior?
It sounds like she has made big changes for herself and is not taking her anger out on you anymore. It may be harder for her to accept the long term damage she has caused to your relationship, some of which may take a long time to be repaired, or never repaired.

Going to therapy with her would be a great way to move forward.

she has apologized and is very encouraging now. i know i'm lucky to have a parent who acknowledges what she did and I'm grateful for it, but yet i have this fear inside of me that if i try to mend things with her, my mom will forget about everything as if it never happened and just act as if she was a loving mother all along. i know it sounds selfish, but this pain and hurt that i feel, I have to get through it, and my mom seems so happy everyday. it just feels so unfair sometimes i want to make her feel guilty, but at the same time i love her and know i need to fix this myself. its all just so complicated.
 
i know i'm lucky to have a parent who acknowledges what she did and I'm grateful for it,
No, you aren't lucky to have a parent who f*cked up and then said "i f*cked up". It's one thing to be grateful for the fact that the abuse has stopped and that there may still be a chance of building a relationship. But please don't consider yourself lucky to have something you deserved in the first place - a safe and supportive mom.

You have every right to your fears, and I would seriously advocate not trying to build this relationship totally on your own - for either of you. You will probably need someone helping you advocate for yourself, at least for awhile, because you are still taking more responsibility for her behavior than you need to be.
 
just act as if she was a loving mother all along.
This is what I would be afraid of too. Her change has to stand the test of time.

I'm not sure how she can seem so happy all the time when you are in so much pain? There seems to be some kind of focus on her and not on you. Sort of a "see, this is how to get over it now, it's simple" thing. Just my take on it, not sure if that goes very far in your reality.

Lasting change, and healing, take time.
 
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