LittleRuzi
New Here
I don't really post on here much. Its hard for me to talk about things, and the stuff I've been through. I didn't even know i had PTSD until 2 months ago, but it seems that I've had this uncontrollable anger for 2 years. I didn't even know what i was angry about, but now i do. I have major control issues, communication issues, and i also got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
I don't know how to handle these mood swings, especially around my own mom I have to see everyday. We have such a complicated relationship. She mentally and physically abused me for years, but at the same time, i know she loves me very much. She's changed a lot since then and hasn't touched me since I was 16 with was about a two years ago.
But everyday i see the face that pushed me around, yelled at me, cornered me, and got so angry over the smallest things like leaving my homework at home and forgetting to bring it to school. It's so hard for me to believe that she actually loves me for real, that she won't corner me again.
I feel as if the trust between me and her has been broken. All i remember who my early teen years is yelling and anger all aimed towards me. I remember none of the happy times, and it sucks. I WANT to love my mom. I WANT to trust her and feel that she is guilty for what she did, but at the same time, this anger inside of me keeps telling me to stay mad, that she is the worst person in the world.
I feel so conflicted inside. The emotional pain I feels incurable and she caused all of it, and sometimes i still blame myself for all of it.
I just wish it wasn't so hard to love my own parent.
I don't know how to handle these mood swings, especially around my own mom I have to see everyday. We have such a complicated relationship. She mentally and physically abused me for years, but at the same time, i know she loves me very much. She's changed a lot since then and hasn't touched me since I was 16 with was about a two years ago.
But everyday i see the face that pushed me around, yelled at me, cornered me, and got so angry over the smallest things like leaving my homework at home and forgetting to bring it to school. It's so hard for me to believe that she actually loves me for real, that she won't corner me again.
I feel as if the trust between me and her has been broken. All i remember who my early teen years is yelling and anger all aimed towards me. I remember none of the happy times, and it sucks. I WANT to love my mom. I WANT to trust her and feel that she is guilty for what she did, but at the same time, this anger inside of me keeps telling me to stay mad, that she is the worst person in the world.
I feel so conflicted inside. The emotional pain I feels incurable and she caused all of it, and sometimes i still blame myself for all of it.
I just wish it wasn't so hard to love my own parent.