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General Trauma Work & Skills You Learn - Sufferers, Please Respond

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@anthony - I guess I don't quite understand what do you refer to when you say 'guilt'. Guilt surrounding what?

The problem is... the man I'm talking about doesn't understand how absolutely hurtful his actions are. When confronted, he just doesn't understand why I would feel hurt. When someone doesn't understand that on an innate level, how can you communicate to them or make them care that their actions have such an impact? I don't understand why he's shutting me down when... he's talking to everyone other than me. I don't quite understand how his struggling (with whatever it is) impact me and he gets distant with me but no one else. I just don't comprehend why I am the target of whatever he's going through when no one in his life has been more supportive and loving towards him than I have.
 
@MandyLou - if you don't mind me asking, could you give a specific example of a time when he was displaying the indifference you are talking about? I'm not trying to pry, only wondering if there's something in the actual interaction that might shed some light on his behavior.
I just don't comprehend why I am the target of whatever he's going through when no one in his life has been more supportive and loving towards him than I have.
This can relate to the guilt @anthony mentions, at least, it does to me. Someone who has been completely there for me, and me knowing that I've been contributing poorly to the whole situation? I feel so shitty, and because of the trauma reactions that are tied to that for me, suddenly this person who is nothing but a safe haven becomes a huge danger zone. It's not their fault, it's simply a series of events that culminates in me getting so overloaded I cannot respond at all.
 
The problem is... the man I'm talking about doesn't understand how absolutely hurtful his actions are. When confronted, he just doesn't understand why I would feel hurt.
That's what you perceive and interpret from his actions. Let me put it this way, we PTSD sufferers don't often know or associate the meaning of feelings when in full PTSD, its like a mechanism that switches off. I'm not sure whether it is to protect us or cause us more harm. Debatable at best. But sufferers still often can feel trauma associated emotion, such as guilt and shame, especially if deep. I felt guilt for things that I was involved in combat operations. Lots of guilt, lots of mixed emotions that I couldn't pin down until years later.

I knew the effect I was having on people around me, so I pushed anyone who cared away, I then had around me people who I would call acquaintances. I know them, but we aren't exceptional friends or such, we see each other at work, we may see other every now and then, maybe a new f*ck buddy to keep me distracted, until I could see her getting close and knew I would hurt her too, so once again pushed them away. Moved on. Repeat and rinse.

We all handle PTSD differently, yet there are definitely primary patterns, either a response of anger, push everyone away, isolation, combination of. One will usually standout more. I said things to partners, flying off the handle for no reason, anything to push them out of my life. I didn't necessarily want to, but I couldn't help myself. My brain just kept doing it. It wasn't until I began learning about PTSD that I understood the core issues, defense mechanism, stressor overload, so forth.

With me, being ex-military, I also had this over excitement for adventure and adrenaline, none of which I had in marriage, as I got all that from work and looked forward to relaxation time when home. When PTSD came, that all changed, suddenly I wanted adrenaline all the time, she didn't. I changed significantly for reasons I then did not understand, but again, I was really hoping to just die from something highly dangerous. Didn't understand that then, but do now.

PTSD is complicated... and that's an understatement at best.
 
@anthony,

I understand what you mean when you say that you’d continue talking to acquaintances but would shut down people were close to you and cared about you.

I don’t think a sufferer understands that sometimes the impact of isolation and just ignoring your partner and cutting them out of your life can have big impacts. They may no longer trust you… the trust that you had once would be completely gone and then wouldn’t be able to restore it by just waking up one morning and deciding that you won’t ignore your partner that day.

Even if he decided to continue communicate with me tomorrow (which I know won’t happen, I’m just speaking in hypothetical terms), I wouldn’t be able to be open or vulnerable with him as he is an emotional breakdown zone. He’s not anyone I can put my heart into and I learned that way too late and that’s why I ended up where I ended up. Yes, he has others (family, son) in his life that care about him, are close to him and there are not the ones getting shut down. For some reason, I am the only one being the direct target of his isolation… for reasons I don’t know and I don’t understand.

Again, I don’t understand how the meaning of emotion during full PTSD applies here… if it applies at all. I don’t know what he’s going through… whatever it is… it doesn’t impact his interaction with others as much as it impacts his interaction and relationship with me. I don't know if his dismissive behavior, ignoring and selective isolation has anything to do with PTSD... or if he's just a jerk and that's just who he is.
 
I don’t think a sufferer understands that sometimes the impact of isolation and just ignoring your partner and cutting them out of your life can have big impacts.

I think most sufferers absolutely understand this. But that doesn't mean they are able to change the behavior.

@MandyLou - I really think that people have tried to explain this to you but you are not hearing them. At the end of the day, it probably doesn't matter whether it was his PTSD or whether he's a jerk. You don't want to deal with isolation in your relationship - which is absolutely fair enough - so its over.
 
I don't know if his dismissive behavior, ignoring and selective isolation has anything to do with PTSD... or if he's just a jerk and that's just who he is.
It may be both. Looking back, I will admit for myself, at times it was both. It was though PTSD helped me be a jerk, or maybe I was just being a jerk and PTSD boosted it, but they were certainly isolated times. I think anyone can be a jerk at any given time... whether that makes a person a jerk in general, not sure about that. I like to think I'm pretty good the majority of times, but I can certainly still be a total arsehole at times, some warranted, some not.

Everyone has the capacity for moods. I'm sorry that you're going through this @MandyLou, tumultuous times.
 
@anthony - yes, thanks for your reply. But the thing is... this man wasn't like this towards me before, and his PTSD isn't new either. I don't know WHAT to think anymore. I couldn't be more supportive and loving to him, which makes his treatment of me even more bizarre. He has always told me how very good I am to him, that I am there for him... then I get shut down and pushed away? You know, something just doesn't add up here. It just doesn't. I try to look at myself to see what I did wrong (I know this is probably not wise), what I did to make him pull away from me... & I just can't find a reason, none at all. I wish I could make it all better and find some understanding for my peace of mind.

Being in uncertainty makes it much more difficult. He never even hinted about breaking up with me, then told me not to take the distance personally because he's going through some things and just started ignoring my calls/texts but still interacted with me in person, and flirted with me in person (we tend to see each other in the same environment). I just don't know how to mentally put these all together, how not to be confused, completely and wholly perplexed and don't feel crushed. It is definitely a tumultuous time for me and I'm having so much trouble trying to be as healthy as I can but failing miserably.
 
this man wasn't like this towards me before, and his PTSD isn't new either. I don't know WHAT to think anymore.
You can not rationalise PTSD. I was with a woman, no issues from my end, had valentines day, lots of love and all the romance, two days later I walked out on her and she sat in a similar position to things you're saying now. My actions f*cked with her brain, and it wasn't intentional. One minute I felt I loved her, the next I was convinced that I didn't want to be with her, so took the appropriate action to make it happen, just like that.

PTSD is not rational, you can't try to rationalise it, as you will lose every time. That behaviour is when PTSD is currently winning with the person, it is a tell tail sign.
 
@anthony - wow! Your description does resonate. I do swim in immense sadness these days not knowing what to think.

Looking back at the experience that you mentioned above, how did you come to terms with the reality of your PTSD? Did you want to be with her and now you know that PTSD perhaps made it difficult for you to determine what you wanted at that time?
 
I didn't know what I wanted at the time, PTSD ruled my life... but hindsight is marvellous and living in that moment is completely different. I understand PTSD now, I am extremely well educated on everything PTSD and trauma, so I can now rationalise what is going on in my head so that I don't react to PTSD. I control PTSD, for the most part, PTSD does not control me now. That has taken a decade to achieve, over 100+ books of education, then talking directly with trauma survivors for a decade plus here and in life. PTSD still kicks my arse at times, but I know how to handle it now, which is the difference.

I didn't then... PTSD controlled me and I was out of control for all intensive purposes. I could relate to others, just not a partner where I felt guilt or pressure to do anything. PTSD is complicated.
 
@anthony - that resonates as well. I remember before dating my guy, he knew that I was in love with him... he had to literally convince me that he was in love with me. I was very hesitant entering a relationship with him because there were things about him that made me pause and think (I was not sure if he knew how he felt about me), but I did believe him since he communicated care and love. I allowed myself to be exactly how I felt with no reservation. I was passionate about him and didn't want to hold back and I'm not sure if that got interpreted as "pressure" over time although he loved my excitement and passion way before we starting our relationship. His behavior was very consistent for a month and a half and then it's when the shutdowns started. He would be flirty and talkative with me in person but then never initiate contact or want to spend time with me. Even by looking at his face I could tell that something's been going on with him, how he feels, etc, but all of that is still so foreign to me, and I'm sure that he's not quite sure how he feels either.
 
Pressure has nothing to do with you for him, any pressure for a PTSD sufferer adds up and creates an overflow. Getting out of bed is pressure when PTSD is ruling life, having a shower, eating, let alone kids or spouses, which can often really throw things overboard when PTSD rules. When PTSD is controlled, those things are manageable and become part of daily life without issue, but when PTSD is winning, they're stressors and pressure just to function.
 
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