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Relationship Triggered By Being Caught Cheating

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Catlady

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So I know that the act of deceit and cheating on a partner is not a specific result of PTSD. People do. But if anyone would have any wise words and perhaps give some insights to see things clearer, I would love to hear. I specifically wonder about the justification, emotional stress upon confrontation and how it in this situation has triggered into the most detached, malicious and cold-hearted reaction I have ever seen in my ex-partner.

Everything is my fault of course, according to him. I found out that he was spending time with one of my students, keeping it unknown to me. He had confided in her about our break-up, something I intentionally did not announce to my students because I like to keep my personal life private and giving her the insight, his side of the story, portraying me negatively, really undermines how she perceives me (as a teacher) and I cannot really imagine how poorly it would be if she shared this with other students.

I started implying that I knew he was keeping something from me, hoping he would come clean at his own accord, but eventually confronted him - but only about the fact that he was speaking to her, or more specifically, why on earth he felt the need to tell one of my students about why we had broken up. Any natural reaction when someone is lied to or deceived is to feel hurt, and likewise when someone is being caught lying, one defends or justifies the actions. Problem is, everything is a nightmare, and I haven't even confronted him about knowing the whole truth, as far as he knows I was just upset about being deceived about him speaking to her and why he felt he needed to cover that up.

He has managed to turn this into it being about my insecurities, how dramatic i always am, and that I cannot censor or decide who he speaks to and that he now wants nothing to do with me. This confrontation has brought back everything that has ever been an issue and he is one wrecked soul right now and he blames it on me, because if I was intelligent enough, if I actually cared about him, I would not have mistrusted him in the first place and escalated all kinds of madness by confronting him about such a petty thing like who he is talking to. My perception is that all this anger is him really being upset and ashamed, not for his actions, but for being caught.

I'm mostly dumbfounded and confused, how he can manage to turn his deceit and finding someone to confide in (and more, but the fact that I have that knowledge he is unaware), as my problem with being a trusting and caring person. How can he use me as a punch-bag accusing me for lack of trust and sincerity or love, when he has done this?! This part is what I would point out as the questionable behavior and reaction, and would like to get some clarity about the thought process/impact/psychology that could lie behind it.
 
Shame and blame or guilt avoidance? Sometimes the best defensive posture is to turn it into an offensive. His involving a student in your personal lives is well poor. He changed the topic to you to avoid having to deal with the boundary transgression.
 
Well it depends, do you know with 100% confidence that he is cheating?

When my husband left he turned to his old female friends for guidance from a female perspective, advice for how to talk to me and support that his male friends couldn't offer because men dont talk like that.
I saw it as betrayal and became convinced he left me for another woman. All in my head, and after some time trying to reassure me, he gave up and resorted to behaviour much like you describe.
There was never another woman.

On the other hand, if you have irrefutable proof, he is a complete jerk bag and is deflecting his guilt onto you.
Sounds like a master manipulator, what was his trauma?
Child abuse/neglect victims learn this art early, its how they get their needs met when they aren't otherwise being met, and become life patterns.
Get away from him, report him for the affair with his student and concentrate on you, you will never understand him and he will never accept blame.
 
The defensive style would apply to either whether he cheated or the fact that he chose to violate her personal and professional boundary in involving a student of hers in their private lives.
 
I am a bit confused by who is triggered here. Him? I wouldn't consider that being triggered at all. Deflecting and drawing attention away from himself is normal behavior for someone who feels guilty about something.
My perception is that all this anger is him really being upset and ashamed, not for his actions, but for being caught.
That would be my assumption.
 
Let me try to get this straight.

Are you asserting that you know your partner has become intimate, both emotionally and personally, with one of your students, which has led to him both telling your student about your relationship business and cheating on you by becoming intimately involved with said student?

And he has led you to believe that he is triggered because he was caught?

If the above is true, then the response to this
I'm mostly dumbfounded and confused, how he can manage to turn his deceit and finding someone to confide in (and more, but the fact that I have that knowledge he is unaware), as my problem with being a trusting and caring person. How can he use me as a punch-bag accusing me for lack of trust and sincerity or love, when he has done this?!
is that he's just an asshole.

Seriously, lady. That is a level of asshole that PTSD cannot account for. :meh:

I'm sorry your partner (ex-partner?) is a complete jerk. PTSD can't answer why.
 
If I'm understanding right... That he got triggered by you being (legitimately) pissed off at him... This is one of those things that I absof*ckinglutely don't tolerate.

Yes. A lot of sufferers, especially childhood abuse & domestic violence, trigger hard when other people are mad at them.

I honestly don't give a damn. They might feel like the victim, but having been a victim doesn't mean one is always a victim. There are times where they f*cked up. Where they are in the wrong. Where they have hurt someone.

To be fair there are a helluva lot of sufferers who trigger over conflict & anger who do not shift into victim-mode. These are not the sufferers I'm talking about.

The ones I'm talking about are the perpetual victims who either go on the attack, massive blame-shifting onto the people they've hurt; or who kick into 'Pack your bags! We're going on a guilt trip!' Poor me, I'm always wrong, nothing I ever do is right, you're blaming me just like everyone else does, nobody loves me, it's not fair, wah-wah-wah, sob! Or some seriously f*cked up / abusive combo of the two...where they're in the wrong, and you're apologizing to them for them hurting you :banghead:

Like I said, I don't tolerate it at all / have no patience for it. So I don't have any practical advice on how to deal with someone who has that as a symptom expression, because I break up with these people. So hopefully someone who does have advice for dealing with accepting no responsibility & attacking others when they're the ones in the wrong will have some tips and tricks for you.
 
My mister had this behavior and it was quite hard to change... and he's not the PTSD, I am. Blame shifting is a blame/shame/guilt avoidance tactic and you don't have to have any sort of mental/emotional illness or injury to do it.
 
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Can you please clarify your timeline?

I'm interpreting it as you broke up and then he confided in your student, etc--------which isn't cheating. But if it is indeed cheating then my interpretation must be off.

Thanks.
 
So I know that the act of deceit and cheating on a partner is not a specific result of PTSD. People do....
That's not true. They haven't ruled it out on the cheating factor. Some guys, we will use that as a coping mechanism. We don't feel loved so we try to get that feeling. It is a mess. I may have to come clean now and ruin my marriage. Thing is I don't even know why I did it.
 
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