• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Triggered during game

Status
Not open for further replies.

marto

New Here
I'm rarely triggered anymore, however, in a hockey game a couple of weeks ago I had a teammate who is generally mild mannered get in my face, yelling and cussing me out for making a bad play. A play that I thought was the right decision. I already felt bad and his behavior was excessive given the situation. It was a minor mistake on my part. The weird thing is the guy is always smiling and joking with people. He seems to be well liked but something about him seemed selfish. He's late every game, he orders me around sometimes, he compliments himself.

His tone was violent and I thought he might hit me which I could not understand why he'd be so angry. I froze and just nodded. Anything to get him away from me. It struck me as slightly psychotic and now I'm fixated on it. I haven't felt this way in awhile and it's affecting me way too much. The first week when I thought about it I'd pace back and forth yelling, mad at myself, thinking of how I'm gonna call him out on it in front of the team. Now it's been several weeks and it's too late. People will think I'm holding a grudge and being petty but I'm gonna hold a grudge. I don't even want to be in the same building as this guy. I just feel waited down with negative energy. My chest hurts, I'm stressed, even a little scared. I've been through enough abusive from strangers and family. I never expected I'd deal with this from a teammate, maybe an opponent. It was like a switch flipped in the guys head and it was all of a sudden Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde. I can't handle that kind of malice and unpredictability anymore.
 
I have felt that way so many times.

Like you, I am also to the point where I'm triggered rarely. But these unpleasant incidences occur when it seems I've let my guard down or have not stayed on course in some way. And then I ruminate about it like you are doing. It becomes almost a warped reality, where I feel the need to avenge myself, but where that feeling puts me in such a bad and negative and self-hating way, that I can't do anything. So I just end up avoiding the situation entirely - getting as far away from it as possible (which of course isn't always an option), and I do my best to put it out of my head.

Then at some point my head will straighten out, and I won't feel hard-done-by. And sometime later, just out of the blue I'll get the legitimate, heartfelt feeling "I didn't deserve to be treated that way." At that point I no longer feel anxiety over the situation. I'll feel strong and confident, yet I feel no need to seek retribution. I just feel a contentment - the feeling that I'm holding no grudge, but with the knowledge that if he does it again, this time I'll be ready. And my reaction to him will be what my healthy, self-loving self tells me is right. It's like once my head's on straight, I'm on autopilot and nobody can keep me down.

The key is to really try to let it go. Let it go and live your life, and it will come back to you when you're ready to handle it. It will come back to you in a normal perspective - as just an unfair yet small piece in your life, not an overwhelming catastrophe. That's not easy if it's a situation where you're constantly around the person, but one way or another, the goal should be to let go.
 
I've been through enough abusive from strangers and family. I never expected I'd deal with this from a teammate, maybe an opponent. It was like a switch flipped in the guys head and it was all of a sudden Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde. I can't handle that kind of malice and unpredictability anymor
One thing to keep in mind is that ordinary people have bad days. Parents die, they lose their job, their girlfriend cheats on them, their kid is in the hospital, etc. ...some kind of stressor... And then they lash out. Usually at an unexpected an innocuous time, on a totally unsuspecting party, just when they were starting to relax. Like whilst playing a game with friends. Just like PTSD. It's a stress reaction. It's just very localized, because it takes a BIG stressor to fill their cup. It's not like the toilet paper roll is on backwards. Like death, sudden loss, betrayal, fear of losing someone they love & are responsible for, etc. It's a very human thing.

The difference between that and an abusive asshole? Is that it's not a consistent thing. It's not how they usually operate. It's nothing to expect of them... Unless they're going through an insanely difficult time.

Of your teammate is ordinarily a pretty decent guy? Not prone to popping off? Then my money goes on something in his life went sideways that day/week.
 
I have felt that way so many times.

Like you, I am also to the point where I'm triggered ra...
Thanks for the advice. That's exactly how I felt. Mad at myself for putting my guard down and then not doing anything about it when it happened. The more I think about it I realize I shouldn't even being trying to rationalize someone's irrational and excessive behavior towards me. I just get mad when I think about the unnecessary stress caused. I have to work on not letting it bother me.


One thing to keep in mind is that ordinary people have bad days. Parents die, they lose their job, their girlfriend cheats on them, their kid is in the hospital, etc. ...some kind of stressor... And then they lash out. Usually at an unexpected an innocuous time, on a totally unsuspecting party, just when they were starting to relax. Like whilst playing a game with friends. Just like PTSD. It's a stress reaction. It's just very localized, because it takes a BIG stressor to fill their cup. It's not like the toilet paper roll is on backwards. Like death, sudden loss, betrayal, fear of losing someone they love & are responsible for, etc. It's a very human thing.

The difference between that and an abusive asshole? Is that it's not a consistent thing. It's not how they usually operate. It's nothing to expect of them... Unless they're going through an insanely difficult time.

Of your teammate is ordinarily a pretty decent guy? Not prone to popping off? Then my money goes on something in his life went sideways that day/week.

Thanks. Yea, I think I'm probably over analyzing it. He's normally nice to other players but we play on different lines so I don't know how he talks to other players on the ice. There was something very strange the game before that happened between him and an opponent. The guy elbowed him out of nowhere and dropped him. I think he probably said something to that guy to get him really angry. That might be something he does and if he talked to me the way he did that guy I wouldn't be surprised.
 
It happened again but even worse with a different player. We had a play off game this Sunday and there was this big malicious guy on the other team. About 15 minutes into the game he waited after a face off to skate over and shoved me down. The puck was nowhere near me and he waited for everyone to turn away to do it. I know those on the bench had to have seen it and no one said anything. I continued to sit on the ice and I waved my hands at the refs to do something. The refs weren't paying attention and half the others pretended not to. Some of his teammates still gave him fives throughout the game yet he was there to start a fight with someone he didn't think could fight back. He slashed a guy twice his age in the back of the leg when no one was looking.

We eventually got to yelling and insulting each other. Slashed at my leg and I slashed back. The guy was a childish dangerous jerk. I think people were scared of him. I was going to draw as much attention as I could. I was going to make people notice whether they wanted to or not. They guy then tries to trip me in front of everyone so I hit is leg with my stick as he's skating away. He comes at me I go at him but people get between us. I was going into an animal mode. The guy had probably 70 pounds weight advantage.

I yell out what he was doing and his teammate that is holding me back said "I know!" At that moment I didn't respect anyone of them including my teammates. We got sent to the penalty box. I refused to shake his hand after the game and he throws a fit like a child and I yell back that he's dirty player and I'm not shaking his hands. He mocked me and I made fun of his skating. Everybody else stayed quiet.

One of his teammates came up to me asked what happened and I told him. He just said we don't like him either and he's not coming back next season. It was a nice gesture I guess but they didn't try to control him. I was so disappointed at everybody. I even tried to shove the guy into the goalie net. I did and knew it if I had done it harder we would have been fighting. He was like a really mean teenager. I shocked that an adult would behave this way in a recreational league. I don't know if I want to play with some of these people anymore.
 
So a pretty clear difference... decent guy having a bad day, and an asshole having a normal day.

In neither case, is what they’re about, about you. It’s just them being them.
 
I feel like I can "hear" some of your original trauma issues as you write about your experience in these games. "nobody" saw or did anything to assist you... that sounds like there is a stuck point of some kind to me .
 
Hockey is a violent sport that attracts violent people. Hell, this is part of people love watching the game!
Well, in recreational adult hockey there is no checking and fighting is frowned upon unlike full contact hockey. There are guys in there 70's playing with guys in there 20's. So alot of these people are just there to play the game without the physicality of hard hits and just have fun. It's the equivalent of flag football on ice or supposed to be but some guys think they are playing in the NHL.

So a pretty clear difference... decent guy having a bad day, and an asshole having a normal day.

In neither case, is what they’re about, about you. It’s just them being them.
Yea, I don't think I handled it right.

I feel like I can "hear" some of your original trauma issues as you write about your experience in these games. "nobody" saw or did anything to assist you... that sounds like there is a stuck point of some kind to me .

I think so too. My therapist said it's going to keep happening, I just have stop reacting to these people. Hard to do though when my safety is on the line. You give bullies a pass and it's like fuel to fire.
 
I think so too. My therapist said it's going to keep happening, I just have stop reacting to these people. Hard to do though when my safety is on the line. You give bullies a pass and it's like fuel to fire.
I agree you need to stick up for yourself. and I kind of hear a stuck point there, too. In these moments of being triggered, though, there's an opportunity for healing. I used "thought records" when triggered. I got a LOT of healing with those. So a trigger happens, I react. In between there were "thoughts" -- Look at those thoughts, and then write out more helpful thoughts. If your therapist doesn't use thought records or "problematic thinking patterns" worksheets, or A B C Worksheets (these are used in CPT for PTSD by the US Veteran's Affairs ) you can get some of them off the US Veteran's Affairs website. I found the really helpful for changing my "reactive" PTSD. I think working with a therapist with the thought records invaluable because my PTSD brain could not come up with answers, I needed some guidance and coaching in that. For what it's worth, that's my experience with reactivity.
 
I agree you need to stick up for yourself. and I kind of hear a stuck point there, too. In these moments of being triggered, though, there's an opportunity for healing. I used "thought records" when triggered. I got a LOT of healing with those. So a trigger happens, I react. In between there were "thoughts" -- Look at those thoughts, and then write out more helpful thoughts. If your therapist doesn't use thought records or "problematic thinking patterns" worksheets, or A B C Worksheets (these are used in CPT for PTSD by the US Veteran's Affairs ) you can get some of them off the US Veteran's Affairs website. I found the really helpful for changing my "reactive" PTSD. I think working with a therapist with the thought records invaluable because my PTSD brain could not come up with answers, I needed some guidance and coaching in that. For what it's worth, that's my experience with reactivity.

Thank you. I will check out those worksheets. I never talked with a therapist about writing out these patterns. Sometimes I don't recognize them but I know that at times I'm putting myself in these situations without realizing it.
 
Looking at those patterns sounds wise. I guess you could maybe view the sport as a hothouse exposing those areas you still need to deal with.
Totally relate to being totally set off by someone suddenly showing an aggressive or untrustworthy side when I have let my gaurd down a little. It can send me spiralling badly down into the depths in an extreme way. Happened last December and took me 3 months of hard work to get any footing again after. Which makes me hate myself of course. ?

Can you identify the hot spots you have in this stuff that sets you off? I always find that useful to know. I also try as much as is humanly possible to separate hypervilant thinking from objective perspectives once it is set off. Very very much easier said than done.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top