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Trivial Question

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Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
I use a sleep mask. A minute or so after saying goodnight, my husband patted me on the nose, which set off my absurd startle reaction. I wanted to run from the room and hide somewhere safe.

I took the mask off, and said absolutely calmly "I've asked you several times times not to do that. I know I'm crap" He said nothing, and turned out his light. I know he can't apologise, so I didn't expect it. I soothed myself by imagining cutting myself out of history, rolling up the shreds and sending into space to vanish as a minute speck amongst the stars.

I feel so guilty. Do I explain again, or ask him what he is wanting to achieve when he does it? It may that he wants sex, which I can't do at the moment, or it may be that he thinks it is a joke and has forgotten it isn't funny for me. I know he would prefer not to talk about it at all, he isn't a talking kind of person.
 
Why can't he apologize?

You're not crap.

I'm not so sure about people who have an inability (or downright refuse?) to understand their partners needs.
 
Why does he pat you on the nose? Does he perceive the mask as a shield that comes between you in bed? Does the noise of it disturb him?

Sorry I am realising I assumed it to be a CPAP mask, but perhaps it is an eye mask?
 
It's an eye mask, because I get woken by light.

He can't apologise because that is how he is built. He never does, but he usually shows by changing his actions that he has heard, and that is much more important. I'm not sure why this particular message keeps escaping him. Usually he is very caring and protective. That is part of the reason I think it may be about sex, another subject he absolutely can't discuss. But I have no evidence for that assumption. It is equally possible that he is just playing. I'm certain there is no malice, that isn't how he is.
 
"I'm going to pat you on the nose when I want sex?"------even if it means putting your health at risk. (All those adrenaline surges are a health risk in reality.)

I'll never understand people.

Maybe you should start flailing as a part of your starle response. I think he'd learn pretty fast.
 
I use a sleep mask. A minute or so after saying goodnight, my husband patted me on the nose, which se...
Ask him what he thinks about just before he does it. It might bother him that your eyes are covered and he doesn't understand why himself. If he cant self reflect, then he wouldn't realize its a childlike urge to see you move, because the mask makes it look like you've gone away.
 
You should try asking him why he does it.

Maybe not the same, but maybe give a different perspective on this. My partner cannot stand a light touch on his skin.....I know this, and know the reaction he gives off..but....every now and then I automatically do it when I'm in bed and he is falling asleep. It's not because I want sex, but my way of saying ' love you '....normally when I feel really emotionally close to him. My reaction is to cringe at myself for doing it, so say nothing.....also, I feel rejected. I'm normally a person who apologizes for everything, but in these instances I clam up.
 
I sometimes use an eye mask and my partner and I both use sleep apps to help us get to sleep, so we both have headphones in.

I suppose when someone puts on a sleep mask/puts in headphones/turns away etc they are, in a way, shutting the other person out. Sleep mask on/headphones in/rolling over - it's a bit of an "over and out" message.

I don't know what you and your husband's routine is for going to bed eg whether you lay and chat before going to sleep, whether you say goodnight to each other in bed, whether you just get into bed, turn out lights and go to sleep...or whatever...? I do think, from our experience, that you both need to sort of be ready for the "over and out". If one of us just puts our headphones in without saying we're going to do that and then goes to sleep, I think it's off-putting for the other one - almost like there is no closure between us for the end of the day and, instead, one of us has just instigated an unspoken shutdown and "left" the other one. Sometimes, that just means saying "I'm plugging in" first so the other knows and has a chance to say anything else before you are "gone". So that may be worth a try if that's not how you currently approach it, just to see if it makes any difference?

Could you ask him what the nose tap is for? Is he being playful? Is he wanting your attention because he's not ready to go to sleep? Is he wanting some kind of physical contact/closeness with you (which doesn't necessarily mean sex). Has he just forgotten in the moment that you don't like it? Does he know full well you don't like it and this is in some way an expression of anger, frustration or hurt on his part?

You say he's not "built for" apologising and doesn't like talking about things. I'm sure those must be challenges for him, otherwise you wouldn't think that way. But also, it sounds like the pair of you are colluding in a way that perpetuates the lack of communication...he finds apologising/talking difficult, you say it's the way he's built so he can't do those things, he therefore doesn't ever have to try to do those things...because you believe he can't so have given him an excuse not to. This situation must suit him really well - it means he never has to apologise or discuss anything that is difficult/uncomfortable for him. I'm not sure how well it serves you though....sounds like it leaves you feeling hurt, confused, frustrated and having to play a guessing game about what's going on...?
 
you say it's the way he's built so he can't do those things, he therefore doesn't ever have to try to do those things
No, the opposite is true. He has worked very hard to talk more. He is naturally silent, with everybody, not just me, but once he realised how much it bothered me he put massive effort into initiating and continuing conversations. But to him, it seems that if something is important then it is also obvious, to him and everyone else. If we were coming in to moor with wind one way and tide the other, he wouldn't feel any need to tell those on the ropes what manoeuvre he was planning, because it was plain to him what was the best way, so he expected us to see it too. It isn't in any way an angry or aggressive thing, he is a very placid person. He simply assumes minds will coincide, and more often than not, ours do.

If he cant self reflect, then he wouldn't realize its a childlike urge to see you move, because the mask makes it look like you've gone away.
That is interesting. It might tie in with the fact that he has recently bought himself a teddy bear, who he sometimes cuddles in bed. I know I'm often very detached at night, not mainly because of the physical stuff, but because I fear what the night will bring.

I don't think he has Asbergers or any condition, other than dyslexia. That doesn't seem relevant.

My inclination is to let it go, and see what happens. As I say, he usually demonstrates by his actions that he has heard. If I do say anything, it won't be today, because I want us both to be dispassionate about it. I also think my "I'm crap" comment was manipulative, demanding that he appease me. Much too much like my mother's approach. The objective has to be to find practical ways to live together that meet both our needs, and my reaction didn't move that way.
 
I'd be more inclined to look into why he has bought and is cuddling a teddy bear, if this is something that he doesn't normally do. You may well find the answer there.
 
I found an opportunity to ask, phrased it as "Did you forget patting my nose would startle me?" It turns out that he wanted to kiss me goodnight, but his back wouldn't allow him to twist across to do it, so he saw the pat as a substitute. I realised that normally as he leans across I'm aware of the duvet and the mattress moving, so I know he is coming. With only his arm moving, I didn't know it was happening. I have to admit I hadn't even noticed we hadn't kissed, my mind was elsewhere.

I explained that, and that it made me want to ward this "attack" off, then run from the room, so that was why I reacted adversely. I do think we have to recognise that pre PTSD I wouldn't have reacted that way. I said I was sorry for the reaction, he accepted it, but I noted he didn't say he was sorry.

At that moment, he dropped something and asked me to get it for him as he still couldn't twist. I jokingly replied "Well, I could just pick it up, or I could insist you apologise to me first" and as I picked it up, he said he was sorry he had startled me. In 14 years, that is the first time he has ever apologised to anyone in my hearing. He didn't seem to find it difficult or awkward. I wonder if it is one more of those things that he considers so self evident that it doesn't need to be said?

I've also realised that in day to day life, he makes quite an effort not to startle me, doing things like humming to himself as he approaches if I'm absorbed in a task. I suspect I've made a PTSD mountain out of a marital molehill.
 
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