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Trust: How Much Do You Tell Your Partner About What Is Going On?

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Robin

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Hi, I have been living in denial and avoidance for a very long time and been able to hide things very well from my partner of 7 years? But some things have come up the past few months, forcing me to get help (and wanting to get help). The problem is that I am not able to hide things as well as I used to (some therapy sessions hectic, can't always contain stuff before getting home), and I tell bits and pieces, but as little as possible.

I can see that she gets worried and scared and I haven't even told her much. Don't know how much of it is me, trying to protect her, or me protecting myself. Or just an excuse to not talk about anything at all.

Not sure, need a different perspective ...:dontknow:
 
Of course, only you are in your relationship so only you can know for sure. But I have to say this:

She's been with you for seven years. Seven years. It's not as if she doesn't know something is wrong. It might be a huge relief to her to know at last what it is. I don't think she'd run. She's been with you, a person who is suffering from PTSD, for seven years...she's pretty tough and seems pretty committed to you, from that alone. I'm sure I'm projecting some here, as a carer myself, but I think she would probably feel better knowing and be there to support you. And if not, I doubt it's doing you much good to be in a relationship with someone you can't tell the truth about what you're dealing with.

I do not want to lecture. Only you know the right decision for you. I'm just asking you to give her credit for the time she's stayed with you...that has a lot of meaning.
 
Hi Robin,

Avoidance and denial are two of the many prison guards of PTSD. The longer you allow them to control your behaviour, the more you suppress, the worse the PTSD gets and although you seem able to suppress well now ... as time goes by, the less you will find this is possible and eventually it will bubble over.

You can wait for your partner to find out that way, or you can trust your partner, as 'Butigotup' suggests, and tell now. Secrets in a relationship will always keep the two of you from experiencing real closeness and intimacy. It is unfair on your partner to continue like this and eventually she will begin questioning your integrity in the relationship and draw incorrect conclusions about behavior she cannot explain.

Eventually you will have to disclose this to her, why not do so now and begin facing the healing journey with her support sooner than later.

You cannot 'save' her from your pain and cannot 'protect' her from the PTSD ... I made that mistake and learnt the hard way how damaging it can be for my partner who is stuck in confusion and doubt. PTSD symptoms are more evident to others thank you think ... especially to people who know us well.

I can't imagine the pressure and pain it is causing you to keep your PTSD hidden ... PTSD is nothing to be ashamed of. Horrible things happened to you which you had no control over and could not stop ... you were a child and you were traumatised. You did nothing wrong! reading your diary angers me for your sake - those things should NOT have happened to you!

You deserve to heal now and you need to give your partner the opportunity to support and love you through your healing.

Hugs and care
Shiraz
 
Robin,

I am glad you are thinking things through and getting help. It is wonderful that your partner has been with you for seven years. That takes a lot of commitment, love, and patience under even the best of situations.

I agree with Shiraz and Butigotup. If she has been paying any attention at all then she already knows that something is up. It is natural for people to fear the unknown, and the imagination can come up with plenty of scary hypothesis. It will most likely be a relief that you are coming forward and opening up to her.

That being said, I also understand your desire to protect her from the pain you have been living with. When you open up to her, watch for any signs that she is getting overwhelmed. Tell her the truth, but be willing to slow down and allow her to process everything. It will probably take more than one conversation to get it all out, and it will not be easy for either of you, but trust me that it is worth it!

I wish you both the best,

Liz H.
 
Robin,

I suspect if you keep things from your partner, she is going to think it is her fault that you are pulling away at times. I think you will have more success in healing if you are honest with her, and she will be relieved to find out she is not to blame.

Having said that, I have to confess I struggle with this. I go through cycles of hiding things from my dear one, and then having to reveal things. So, I sympathize with your struggle.
 
you only have to say as much as you are comfortable saying. Telling those close to us that we are hurting and what it is about is probably 10 times harder than telling a stranger. I worried about judgement, anger, worry, etc... but that was just me projecting my feelings about what happened onto my husband. Take it slow but in the end it will be rewarding for you to talk about it and have someone support and love you.
 
Thank-you to all of you. Much easier said than done, right?

But then again if it was easy, I would not have been asking about it.

I also just want to add that it I find it amazing that this forum even exists and that I have a place to talk/write and for the first time in my life it and feels like 'people get it' or 'get me' and my 'funniness'.

Will start talking, and see how much I can give and she can take. Talking about me is not my strong suit! Need to summon some courage from somewhere.
 
Robin ... I started another post to you and promptly lost it! Argh ...

I can't help but notice that you and your beloved have been together for seven years -- me and mine, too. Seven years is a long time ... and I'm amazed that our bond goes on. Like you, I habitually lock away and hide most of my personhood (so to speak) ... I think of this depth of habit as "autopilot" --> it goes on of its own volition, operating practically all of the time ... I tend to express only when I've been overwhelmed somehow ... (and fortunately, on occasion the overwhelm is a happy one!)

When our most basic senses of trust, reality, and continuance are threatened or ruptured, we grow emotional "exoskeletons" -- Just last night, I dreamed of myself as a little crab ...

It feels so nearly-impossible to trust anyone or anything after those fundamentals (trust, etc.) have been injured.

I live with a man who ... loves :Hug_emoticon: me ... despite all. I often wonder if I'm capable of loving. The worst relational traumas occured in my life before I was six years old, so the injuries were profound.

Where opening yourself more with your partner is concerned ... send her one or two excellent posts from this site ... perhaps one that gives an overview of PTSD and its potential effects on close relations ... and another that I can't recall the title of, but which had the word "upbeat" or "inspiring" in the title (it was a description of PTSD) ... I'm not sure how to find a long-ago post ... Perhaps one of the moderators could help you locate it ...

Best to you :smile:

Roo
 
I have been married for 3 years and while dating my husband I told him the things that I have gone thru in my life, but at that time I did not know that I had cptsd. I didn't go into detail as to what happend with in the events with him untill after we were married. Mainly because I was under a lot of stress and pressure with college and was starting to suffer massive panic attacks. I've always known that I'd have to deal with my abuse at some point and I knew that at that point I couldn't continue with college if I didn't seek help. I had found some books on surviving childhood abuse and got a ton of answers. My husband and I read them together and I started revealing details about my abuse to him.

I had come to terms that what I was saying to him was extremely embarassing and I felt really ashamed and admitting it to myself and him helped a great deal.

I have since been seeing a psychologist and I tell my husband everything that I'm thinking and feeling because it really helps to be open with him. It gets me out of my head and vent about what is bothering me. Sometimes that's all it takes is venting, sometimes we need to find a way to work through the problem and sometimes I just really need that shoulder to cry on. I'm lucky to have him in my life and to have someone love me for me and not pass judgment on my cptsd. We're a team, and partnership is teamwork no matter who you love.

I know is scary to open up for fear that you might not be accepted, but if your true beauty can't be seen then is it really worth being with someone who can't accept you for you? Seven years is a long commitment but I think it's worth the risk! ;) You never know, it could make your relationship even stronger! It was a huge weight off my shoulders to finally open up.

Wishing you luck and sending good vibes your way

Much love
tek
 
From a Carer's point of view....the more you tell us the easier it is for us to try and understand what you are going through and possibly avoid triggering you or adding to your stress.

The hardest part of being a Carer IMHO is being shut out and not knowing what is going on and then taking the isolation personally. We sometimes we think we must have done something wrong for you to push us away which I know is not always the case. We can also learn not to enable you and stop yourself from your own pity parties.

With information comes knowledge. A relationship is a team. The power of the group is more than that of the individual. I could rattle out more statements too if you need to hear them....:rolleyes:

To me it sounds like you have been in denial.
 
Had a little chat last night, and yes apparently when I get strange and withdrawn, she gets worried and frustrated. Frustrated in that she does not know what she is / is not supposed to do.

Suppose I can't have it all my way. My way, things can go into a very negative spiral, very quickly.

..and yes, Nicolette, I am sure you have a few more statements that I should hear ... the pity party comment really hit home. Thanks, sort of ... :smile:
 
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