T
thelionsroar
I had just wrote a very long thread and somehow it got deleted.. Basically I'm seventeen years old and have been diagnosed with ptsd near the end of 2014. The traumatic event happend my first year of high school four days before the start of my first year my brother was involved with a bad girl and he attempted suicide I was the one who found him to my knowledge as a 13 year old he was dead but he infact lived which was a miracle because he took over 120 pills and tried to hang himself I was greatful for that but since that day I've never been the same that was not the only traumatic event I wotnessed but it was the turning point for me because I care about my brother very much.
My PTSD was at first night mares and the usual numbing the world out but through my first year with this disorder I was stuck in a bubble of no emotion no feeling or even care other than my family my mother and sister and after that first year I thought that what I was feeling was all normal and part of the healing process I quickly realized I should have seeked help sooner my second year I got into pills drinking and had a terrible nicotine dependency I would use almost anything to not feel my emotions again I became very emotional my third year with this disorder and it has manifested into angry outbursts My outbursts have gotten so bad I've been called possessed the way these outbursts starts is by first getting anxious and irritable and then eventually once something is stressful enough I'll go into a state of automatism all I feel is anger and hate at everything I want to hurt people that have made fun of me even if they did not hurt me badly or sometimes I will mistake someone something. Says as rude and almost try to pick a fight so I can vent my anger I have so far managed not to seriously hurt anyone or myself my mother is the most caring person but it's getting very hard to explain to her the way I am she doesn't understand fully I obtained a medical marijuana prescription and it has helped me very much in all aspects of my life but unfortunately I do not have enough financial means to afford enough medication which means that for the 2 weeks I go without every month.
I have at least one outburst today I had one and it lasted 8 hours I fractured my hand numerous times because of hitting things I am a strong seventeen year old so I try to hit things I won't break easily like a hard studded wall so I do not cause my mother stress unfortunately I still do today I had an outburst because I woke up ready to start my day and my mother told me she needed the money for my prescription and that I would not have anything for the whole month now this usually would not be enough to set me off but because of how much I have going on I dependon marijuana to get me through school because I have terrible anxiety even before my PTSD I had anxiety and a bit of depression. Anyway I immediately said no and my immediate thoughts where to get cigarettes or another drug as fast as I could luckily I have learned to stop myself when that happens but instead of talking to my mother about it I immediately felt the confusion then anger then I lost it I never hurt my mother or any of my family in a serious way but my violent outbursts are making my mother call me possessed and other things I really wish I wasn't dependent on medication to help me cope but I am I am not an addictive person normally my dependencies have revolved solely around coping and I have never really cared much for getting high in any way but marijuana is the only substance I can use that I don't feel a severe compulsion to abuse just so I can escape my emotions instead marihuana kind of just relaxes me and allows me to stay calm in stressful situations which in turn allows me to return to the things I loved doing before like skateboarding and working out. I guess I just wanted to ask anyone that bothers reading if they have any tips for managing outbursts or managing confusing thoughts without medication so I can better prepare for the times I have to go without medication thanks to anyone who reads and responds I feel very sick and nauseous at the moment because I am just now realizing what I have done today so I might not be able to read responses right away
My PTSD was at first night mares and the usual numbing the world out but through my first year with this disorder I was stuck in a bubble of no emotion no feeling or even care other than my family my mother and sister and after that first year I thought that what I was feeling was all normal and part of the healing process I quickly realized I should have seeked help sooner my second year I got into pills drinking and had a terrible nicotine dependency I would use almost anything to not feel my emotions again I became very emotional my third year with this disorder and it has manifested into angry outbursts My outbursts have gotten so bad I've been called possessed the way these outbursts starts is by first getting anxious and irritable and then eventually once something is stressful enough I'll go into a state of automatism all I feel is anger and hate at everything I want to hurt people that have made fun of me even if they did not hurt me badly or sometimes I will mistake someone something. Says as rude and almost try to pick a fight so I can vent my anger I have so far managed not to seriously hurt anyone or myself my mother is the most caring person but it's getting very hard to explain to her the way I am she doesn't understand fully I obtained a medical marijuana prescription and it has helped me very much in all aspects of my life but unfortunately I do not have enough financial means to afford enough medication which means that for the 2 weeks I go without every month.
I have at least one outburst today I had one and it lasted 8 hours I fractured my hand numerous times because of hitting things I am a strong seventeen year old so I try to hit things I won't break easily like a hard studded wall so I do not cause my mother stress unfortunately I still do today I had an outburst because I woke up ready to start my day and my mother told me she needed the money for my prescription and that I would not have anything for the whole month now this usually would not be enough to set me off but because of how much I have going on I dependon marijuana to get me through school because I have terrible anxiety even before my PTSD I had anxiety and a bit of depression. Anyway I immediately said no and my immediate thoughts where to get cigarettes or another drug as fast as I could luckily I have learned to stop myself when that happens but instead of talking to my mother about it I immediately felt the confusion then anger then I lost it I never hurt my mother or any of my family in a serious way but my violent outbursts are making my mother call me possessed and other things I really wish I wasn't dependent on medication to help me cope but I am I am not an addictive person normally my dependencies have revolved solely around coping and I have never really cared much for getting high in any way but marijuana is the only substance I can use that I don't feel a severe compulsion to abuse just so I can escape my emotions instead marihuana kind of just relaxes me and allows me to stay calm in stressful situations which in turn allows me to return to the things I loved doing before like skateboarding and working out. I guess I just wanted to ask anyone that bothers reading if they have any tips for managing outbursts or managing confusing thoughts without medication so I can better prepare for the times I have to go without medication thanks to anyone who reads and responds I feel very sick and nauseous at the moment because I am just now realizing what I have done today so I might not be able to read responses right away
Last edited by a moderator: