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Sufferer Trying This Out

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thelionsroar

I had just wrote a very long thread and somehow it got deleted.. Basically I'm seventeen years old and have been diagnosed with ptsd near the end of 2014. The traumatic event happend my first year of high school four days before the start of my first year my brother was involved with a bad girl and he attempted suicide I was the one who found him to my knowledge as a 13 year old he was dead but he infact lived which was a miracle because he took over 120 pills and tried to hang himself I was greatful for that but since that day I've never been the same that was not the only traumatic event I wotnessed but it was the turning point for me because I care about my brother very much.

My PTSD was at first night mares and the usual numbing the world out but through my first year with this disorder I was stuck in a bubble of no emotion no feeling or even care other than my family my mother and sister and after that first year I thought that what I was feeling was all normal and part of the healing process I quickly realized I should have seeked help sooner my second year I got into pills drinking and had a terrible nicotine dependency I would use almost anything to not feel my emotions again I became very emotional my third year with this disorder and it has manifested into angry outbursts My outbursts have gotten so bad I've been called possessed the way these outbursts starts is by first getting anxious and irritable and then eventually once something is stressful enough I'll go into a state of automatism all I feel is anger and hate at everything I want to hurt people that have made fun of me even if they did not hurt me badly or sometimes I will mistake someone something. Says as rude and almost try to pick a fight so I can vent my anger I have so far managed not to seriously hurt anyone or myself my mother is the most caring person but it's getting very hard to explain to her the way I am she doesn't understand fully I obtained a medical marijuana prescription and it has helped me very much in all aspects of my life but unfortunately I do not have enough financial means to afford enough medication which means that for the 2 weeks I go without every month.

I have at least one outburst today I had one and it lasted 8 hours I fractured my hand numerous times because of hitting things I am a strong seventeen year old so I try to hit things I won't break easily like a hard studded wall so I do not cause my mother stress unfortunately I still do today I had an outburst because I woke up ready to start my day and my mother told me she needed the money for my prescription and that I would not have anything for the whole month now this usually would not be enough to set me off but because of how much I have going on I dependon marijuana to get me through school because I have terrible anxiety even before my PTSD I had anxiety and a bit of depression. Anyway I immediately said no and my immediate thoughts where to get cigarettes or another drug as fast as I could luckily I have learned to stop myself when that happens but instead of talking to my mother about it I immediately felt the confusion then anger then I lost it I never hurt my mother or any of my family in a serious way but my violent outbursts are making my mother call me possessed and other things I really wish I wasn't dependent on medication to help me cope but I am I am not an addictive person normally my dependencies have revolved solely around coping and I have never really cared much for getting high in any way but marijuana is the only substance I can use that I don't feel a severe compulsion to abuse just so I can escape my emotions instead marihuana kind of just relaxes me and allows me to stay calm in stressful situations which in turn allows me to return to the things I loved doing before like skateboarding and working out. I guess I just wanted to ask anyone that bothers reading if they have any tips for managing outbursts or managing confusing thoughts without medication so I can better prepare for the times I have to go without medication thanks to anyone who reads and responds I feel very sick and nauseous at the moment because I am just now realizing what I have done today so I might not be able to read responses right away
 
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Welcome @thelionsroar and understand the reactivity. I am older now, but went through that at your age. Journal, music, exercise, nutrition, try rechanneling the acting out into more personally beneficial peaceful and calming personal pursuits. Know that self medicating is reinforcing the habit/behavior of ingesting something to change the way you are feeling instead of dealing with it. Any access to counselors or guidance outside your family?
 
With the anger, try chanelling it at something that you can't hurt that won't hurt you. Can you get a punch bag? If not how about a pillow? You can keep on punching a pillow for twenty minutes and the worst it's going to give you is a sore hand. You're punching walls to avoid damaging things, thats great, but what you're really doing is hurting yourself.
 
Welcome to the forum!

Are you in therapy right now? If so this is a great topic to bring up with your therapist as they may able to provide you with some anger management techniques. Personally, I find that exercise is the best way to burn off the additional adrenaline. Also, avoiding caffeine and other stimulants can help.

I hope you find the information here helpful.
 
@ albatross
Now see this is where it gets confusing for people I actually depend on marijuana to exercise and eat I barely have any appetite because of how stressful my thoughts become I am very intelligent I have taught myself basically everything I know marijuana seems different for me than most people because the usual people who get stoned and eat and just get lazy that's not me when I smoke marijuana I feel an overwhelming sense of motivation almost as if my ptsd has gone away its more like being sober than being high for me of course I build a tolerance to it but I take breaks for 2 or so days at a time to moderate myself im not someone who likes drugs very much so I honestly don't think about marijuana at all ive heard people who dream about weed when they quit and that are compelled to use it but im drawn to use it because it suppresses some of my hard to deal with symptoms. before I started smoking marijuana medicinally my grades suffered terribly I missed almost half of every school year because I got so depressed I would sleep for days at a time so I was more like the classical drug abuser before I started pot now I go to school almost everyday and attend class more regularily because I can actually socialize without feeling insecure and sick...... but thank you for the recommendations I am currently trying to get healthier and I work out regularily when I have marijuana that is and I skateboard again not as much as I used to but more and I actually enjoy it I wish I wasn't in such a confusing situation because my stress stems from mostly external things for instance I got kicked out my local grocery store for complaining about old food and my family now has nowhere to get groceries except for the rare time we get a ride to go places the factors in my life are odd and make it very hard for me to find healthy ways to vent
 
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yeah I feel excersise helps a lot but I tend to over do it a lot because of how much stress I have and im sore for days after where im unable to find a vent because I do not want to damage my muscles im a bit self destructive in nature but not on purpose...... usually I go for a walk or something when this happens but sometimes I cannot calm myself for very long periods of time sometimes I feel as if ill never stop and the anger will just keep building I guess in a way I feel over stimulated and it bothers me I usually play music or something else to calm down because I enjoy creative things I was just wondering personally what helps other people with PTSD manage their stress without medication is exercise and nutrition and venting the only ways to manage it or do some people use different methods like breathing techniques or anything like that I have a problem with hyper ventilating when I get very mad so maybe someone can describe to me some better methods like that stuff I have almost recovered from the worst part of my PTSD I believe eventually if external factors in my life start to improve than my mental health will too and ill be less dependent on medication
 
and no I am not in therapy I kind of disagree with it because of how many therapist believe im addicted to marijuana because they'd rather not do their job and ignore my issues my so called addiction to marijuana is not an addiction its a dependency and I know this because ive experienced an addiction serious ones and marijuana if anything is as hard to quit as coffee or as hard as quitting social smoking which I did up until a couple months ago but the general effect I get is a relapse of PTSD when I quit smoking........... and yeah I never thought of hitting my pillow im usually to mad to care if I hurt myself but ill try to do that next time or maybe put some padding on the metal reinforced sections of my wall and use that I have low income so a punching bag isn't exactly in my budget.... right now I have to go the rest of the week without medication I managed to get enough money to order enough to last me a little bit so im not very worried about another outburst now but I will take all the reccomendations into consideration and I appreciate the time everyone spent reply to my thread thank you.
 
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