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Sufferer Trying To Find Others

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LeeAnn13

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Hello,
I've suffered from PTSD since I was in the military for 10years. My most recent discovery was disassociation. I never had a name for it, although I was vaguely aware of it ( being mad at the 1st guy who, took advantage but not knowing why) stuff like that. As soon as I realized this I started seeing a psychotherapist. (since june 23rd) I've started trying to journal to recall....to be honest It terrifies me how often I "float" looking back I floated for 5months after the first one...but I'm in and out every day....i had to use my phone to recall so I could write in my journal....im trying to ground, journal, therapy, thinking and doing positive, changing my destructive behavior (was drinking and smoking but I noticed it fueled the floating) Maybe I'm just starting out but I'm so scared, is the floating permanent? My mom had other personalities, she had multiple rapes too, but I don't. It's just, a lot. Is there anyone who can share their experience? For a long time I believed I was broken beyond repair, asked myself and my dad if I was crazy...people look at me like I crazy when I float or dont fit right...like if a conversation gets too much...floating writing this, so anxious. Just reaching out for help, information, shared experiences, and techniques that worked for others. Am I going to be like this forever? Constantly managing, I will of I must, but the thought that someday if I work hard, ill be able to be here and whole again...i remember a time when I wasnt...so lost. Thank you whoever reads this and takes the time. Much love on your journey, Aloha
 
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Mahalo. :)

There is a really good thread on disassociation I'll see if I can link up... Because it is very much a spectrum.

Is there anyone who can share their experience?

I'm ADHD, so I've disassociated some my entire life / it's part of that disorder (and many others as well), but never had a name for it. It kicks in during hyperactivity (either in daydreaming or creative kathunk cognitively; or feel-no-pain -ahem or anything else-, during physical hyperactivity), as well as during a few other disorder related things (like taking a break from the constant sensory input).

PTSD-wise... Picked up the 1,000 yard stare version(s) in the military. Few different flavors, there. Very different from ADHD disassociation. It comes on some of the times I shut my emotions off, or they take a hike of their own volition, but not always. It comes on almost always when I'm in "wait" mode, or see-no-evil mode. It comes on when I get lost in my mind or my memories. That's the hardcore one. The others I'm still very aware of what's going on around me, that one is very much lights-on-nobody-home.

Lost in my mind... Shudder. I f*cking hate it. I've lost so much damn time that way! Argh.

And then, I've lost time for real, too. Sometimes due to disassociation: At one point last year I thought a car was driving back and forth in the street at night, the headlights kept bugging me. So eventually I dragged myself up to see what f*cktwat was doing... And it wasn't a car. It was the sun. It was the sun rising and setting. Holy f*ck. What damn day is it??? There are a few other similar examples but that one scared me into trying to find a trauma therapist in a serious way.

Other times, it appears not to be disassociation at all (it may be; like driving a car on autopilot is actually a form of disassociation, so this may be too), but I'm just stuck so much in the past my memories of the present just aren't logging correctly. Snort. Like my brain can only remember 1 thing at a time, and today isn't it. Gah. Freaking frustrating.

Between those 2... Disassociation (as I know it) & Memory problems... I lost about 6 months last year. Maybe 2 or 3 months the year before that. This year -touch wood- I'm only about 2 months "behind" according to my mental calendar.

***

Writing really does help me. In part, just normalizing things. I may not remember writing the damn thing, but it sounds like me / like something I would say, and at least I appear to have been pretty lucid that day... Even if I really, really don't remember it! More better, what also helps me in part, is remembering. Having my memory jogged by reading something I've written. Oh, yeah! That's right! I remember that now. Rushing relief. Okay. I remember. No lost time. Thank effing gawd.

Grounding, meanwhile, helps in minimizing the time I'm spending disassociated to begin with.

Avoiding mission-creep is another huge one. It's very, very easy for me to start a task, be present for it, get distracted & see something else that needs doing, then something else... And before I know it the day (or week) is gone, and I've lost a lot of time, and nothing is done, and I can't remember how or why I got from point A-M. Like, WTF am I doing over here at M??? I was supposed to be at pointA! Sometimes I can retrace my steps, other times I can't. I can, however, catch myself doing it. Which is badass awesome. Just give myself a quick shake & stop. Nope. No mission creep. Go back. Do what I set out to. Breathe. Take a break. Okay. NOW go back and do B. Breathe. Take a break. C. Be present. Stay focused. Check.

Those 3 are the most useful for me, personally.
 
Mahalo. :)

There is a really good thread on disassociation I'll see if I can link up... Because it...


Thank you for sharing your story man. It really is a big spectrum. Having adhd on top of it must be chaos . I admire your strength to keep pushing forward. And I agree f*n scary man. I feel u on the time thing , loosing the time is the worst part for me. Yours sounds pretty intense too. I do that one too, lost in intense memories...I am sorry for what happened, wish we all didn't have so much shit happen to us. The writing thing seems to help, seeing my own words...kinda freaky too. Helps me remember and I sound like I'm there...but I can't seem to remember without it. I'll continue to write and see if that helps long term. Grounding too, its hard. I go from grounded to gone real frustrating. I find being in nature helps too. It helps, knowing I'm not alone. Thank you for the reply and the advice on what works for you ❤ Much love and the best of luck on your journey ❤
 
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Welcome !!!! I have dissociative ptsd. You are not alone here!!!
Thanks man, its a hard road. Didn't even know I had it until now..10years later. It's intense...how can u work on something if u can't look at it...I appreciate the comment. Just that, knowing I'm not alone...it helps. Wish people could understand...instead of judge or think I'm crazy. But its too much for me, can't expect others to get it. I'm sorry for your struggle, your not alone either ❤ I can't help this crazy feeling that in time, we can get better. Maybe a fools hope, but hoping keeps me going. ❤ Wishing you love, adventure, laughter, and peace ❤ Aloha
 
@LeeAnn13 Welcome to the forum! :)
Thanks, I'm just starting I'm looking forward to using it more. I only have my phone now, but I'm going to try and go library so I can really check it out. Just reaching out, just found out, kinda, that I've been hyper focused on the PTSD aspect and not on the "floating" but I guess that is common too? So confused, now I know its there, trying to learn as much as I can. Hoping in time I can be more, present.
 
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