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Trying To Find Some Answers

Discussion in 'General' started by Umus, Aug 31, 2007.

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  1. Umus

    Umus New Member

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    I have been in a relationship with a war veteran (desert storm) for 7 years. Like so many times before I broke up once again 4 months ago, he FINALLY tried to get help with his many problems and was diagnosed with PTSD. One of the many problems in our relationship was his cheating on me with other women.
    He never talked about what happened to him in the war, when I asked the only answer was "What do you think people do in wars? They kill people. So I killed people." In his therapy he now found out that he completely locked that experience from his memory and punished himself for what he had done by not letting himself allow to get close to anyone else. For me this is very difficult as I do not know if I should accept this as an explanation for all he did to me.
    I have tried to read as much as I can on PTSD, still all is very confusing to me. To me it seems that for him at the moment his diagnosis is a good excuse for all the wrong he did.
    If anyone could tell me her/his experiences it would be great! Thank you.
     
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  3. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    I lived with a Vietnam Vet for 7 yrs. He was a chopper pilot the first tour and a medic his second. His chopper was shot down and his co pilot took a bullet in the head. David had to blow up the chopper with his buddy still in it, and he crawled through the jungle for 3 days till he was rescued.

    Needless to say he has PTSD...He has never dealt with his issues.

    I have PTSD....From sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I used sex as a weapon, a tool, a payback, and for whatever reason I could find. I thought that love was sex, and sex was love.

    David on the other hand could NOT have a sexual relationship. He could never find the bond....That emotional attachment like with his buddies in the service. We had sex a grand total of 11 times in 7 yrs.......I got frustrated and moved out.

    2 different people, both PTSD, 2 different ways to cope.....

    What are you willing to put up with???? What are you not willing to put up with???? Just remember this is life long.........It never goes away. It CAN get better, if he works his butt off, but if he won't ..........Well .......Then you have what there is left.
     
  4. ptsd_cracker

    ptsd_cracker Member

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    I would have to agree with she_cat.

    I would have to agree with she_cat. I also have a different way of handling things and everyone has their limits. I re-act badly to the family members when they trigger memories and continue to breach my boundaries therefore I have decided to cut all ties with them and move on with my life. They also had that option. Somethings will never change and somethings might change you have to decide your own limits and enforce them.
     
  5. Umus

    Umus New Member

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    Thank you both for your inputs. The sex was never the issue with him, well wrong, it was very much the issue with him, I think it is his way to being ablte to get somehow close to other people, at least in a physical way - just not only with me but with so many others as well!
    The other thing that is very difficult for me to deal with is that he just wont let go... We are seperated at the moment but still he contacts me all the time, sometimes very nice then again he threatens and insults me. And at the same time I can not let go because I still feel he might need me! Its always this pushing away and not letting go at the same time, and I always react...Very confusing!
     
  6. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    So now may be a good time to look at your own behavior in all of this....He has done things you don't like and approve of, yet you allow it. He calls you and is abusive and yet you do nothing.

    This is called enabling.......You might want to look into co-dependency on your part.

    You need to put down boundaries and not allow him to cross over them. Being abusive is one of them. Just because he has PTSD does not allow him to do whatever he feels. He needs to be accountable for his actions too.

    Wendy
     
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