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Trying to grieve - but inner voices tell me to stop complaining

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ghotiff

MyPTSD Pro
In a previous thread it was suggested to me (very wisely) that I need to grieve.

So, I would like to, but how?. I started writing in my diary all the major things that I have lost due to my childhood abuse....but as soon as I started writing it out (and feeling a bit sad) I heard all the other voices in my head telling me how grateful I should be because my current life is pretty good (limited but okay). I also keep hearing voices reminding that what I suffered was not that bad, and how much worse off other children were, how much worse off other adults are. And with those thoughts all my emotions stopped.

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice for this? Did anyone else have to work through this, giving yourself permission to grieve?
 
Well, for me I had to arrive at the grieving stage after the anger stage which was the longest in my recovery. Grieving came naturally as the emotions tied to the grief, I.e, sadness simply came up and I wept a lot. When the anger finally ended the grief was underneath-an utter devastation at the sadness of the whole situation. So no I did not need to give my self permission as mine was a spontaneous catharctic process.
 
Have you tried telling them to shut up? Sometimes that's what I do. If those voices were true, then only ONE person on the planet would be able to heal as the rest of us would have to suck it up and just get over it. I say this so you know just how ridiculously wrong they are.
 
If those voices were true, then only ONE person on the planet would be able to heal
Thank you. I needed to hear that truth (so obvious now you have pointed it out). I'll try the telling them to shut up. Great suggestion.

grieving stage after the anger stage
I'm trying to skip this stage if I can. Its not doing my family any favours.
 
I really respect you sharing your process. I expect that I will likely have to go through anger before I can grieve properly. I just am very afraid of anger. But maybe I can grieve a little first, and have my anger stage a little softened. :)
 
It will come when it comes and you will be able to handle it just don't push yourself. You are already incredibly brave for surviving what you survived; you have nothing to prove to a therapist who is not as strong as you are and did not survive sevete trauma. You are doing great-heal at your own pace<3
Tatiana
 
I am not sure what you mean by inner voices. I hear actual voices of abusers. They are like hallucinations (I know they aren't real and a product of my mind.) My therapist thinks that they are the internalized voice of my father. I feel that it extends to many other people. But it is an internalized version of them. My father was hyper critical, controlling, and obstructive and the voices are as well. Perhaps if your abusers/parents spoke to you this way and you internalized this. It sort of sounds like they are shaming you into not validating your feelings.

The only thing I have been able to do is force my mind to go blank and force my self to sort of obliterate their presences in my mind's eye. I remind myself of where I am and focus on being alone, the solitude, and the silence. Its a work in progress but that has been the first step for me.
 
Thanks for your thoughts @jmni

By inner voices I mean the simple day to day voices that occur in my head. I'm constantly talking to someone in my head and I believe this is quite 'normal'.

I do however think you are right with your comments. I told people, who were around me through my teen years, of my problems (I reached out a lot), and they listened interestingly but never did anything to help. I really think the message I received from those events was invalidation. That my problem wasn't that bad, that I would be fine and to 'suck it up'.

So while I don't think my inner voices are a psychiatric thing (sorry, don't know the terms), I do think that my internal thoughts are governed by my life experiences which have inadvertently told me "stop complaining", "its not that bad", "focus on the good" etc. Interestingly, I don't have any memories of my abusers voices which is really weird as one of them would have spoken to me regularly (outside of the abuse), but I can't recall any trace of a voice or words....maybe this memory will be uncovered one day ... not sure if I like the idea of that.

I can never make my mind go blank. I have tried various mediation methods over the years and 'blank' is not something I have ever got anywhere close to achieving. I think my mind chatter is a actually a distraction and keeps me away from my feelings. I'll have to think about that more....
 
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I started with the multi-culturally blessed habit of attempting to build my happiness on the unhappiness of others. "Other people have it so much worse."

On a physical level that is like saying, "Get up and walk on that broken leg because there are people who have no legs at all." The more I think about it, the more I believe it compounds to some hideous levels. I have too often been the one on the "loser" end of that consolation and it is not a blessing I wish to do unto others. Not nice!

Pain is pain, ghostiff. It exists to let us know something is wrong. Fix it.
 
I too struggle with thinking that my traumas were not bad enough to warrant this many issues. I also have a problem with accepting that my past is really affecting me now. I think that right now is a good time for me to address it as I have started with a new therapist (a trauma therapist at that) and we are going over my past in detail. It's uncomfortable for me when she responds to my story with sadness. She isn't inappropriate, I just can't connect with the emotions, so its awkward. Anger is also a scary emotion for me, but my therapist said that I honestly need to become a little angry at what was done to me. Not necessarily who, but what. She said this will help validate my feelings and issues for myself. Until I can do that though, I am having to learn to trust her validation, if that makes sense?

Something she has me do in session is she will ask me to look at it from an outsiders perspective. If it was someone else, how would I respond to them? Often times we have such hard times being compassionate to ourselves but not others so taking a step back helps. I am new to this as well, but please be gentle on yourself. Something else she told me that really does help is that I TRULY do have PTSD, I have near every symptom and it's been confirmed 3 times now. I did not put PTSD on myself, it developed from past traumas. Traumas that were bad enough to scar my brain, not something I could do myself. It is outside of my control right now to just "get over it." just like @arfie said, you can't just start walking on a broken leg. You HAVE to allow it to mend and wear the proper equipment (cast and crutches) to let it heal. Same with PTSD. You have to accept that it happened and you are hurt, then take the proper steps in helping to mend it.
 
This is something that I struggle with too. I've expressed great anger at the looks of pity I get from people if I tell them any of my story. Usually I just boil it down to "I basically grew up in a drug house" and bad things happened. That's when the sad eyes come up. I don't like for others to feel sorry for me so why should I feel sorry for myself.

When I told my T how I felt when someone gives me what I call "lost puppy eyes" he responded said, "someone needs to mourn the loss of your childhood." It's not bad to feel sorry for the loss of the part of ourselves that our trauma has damaged. We grieve for ourselves when someone we care about passes, we should be able to mourn the loss of that part of ourselves. That part of us is important and deserves to be remembered. I'm really trying to understand this myself.

On a physical level that is like saying, "Get up and walk on that broken leg because there are people who have no legs at all."
That's an excellent way of putting it.

Something she has me do in session is she will ask me to look at it from an outsiders perspective.
My T has had me do the same thing. I had a hard time doing it as I have so much higher standards for myself than I do for others. I can feel sorrow and grieve for others and even see their loss but not my own. It can take some practice.

My doc than asked me to feel as if my child were telling me this happened to them. That got me in touch with my anger. I'm still working and trying to direct this and feel this for myself though. I think it's going to take some time.
 
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