Justmehere
Sponsor
I've been confronted (with kindness) by several people lately on all the ways my self contempt shows up in my life: my self hatred, relentless inner critic, low self esteem, tendency towards perfectionism, negative self talk, deep shame, guilt, etc...
At the core of it is a prideful distorted belief that it was all my fault and I'm inherently a terrible person.
I believe this kind of thinking is prideful. Here's why: if I think it's all my fault, then that means I have super human powers to control other people and cause them to become violent abusers. It also implies I could have the power to force them to become good decent human beings.
The reality is that I do not have such powers.
But I hang on to my self contempt all the same...
My therapist recently asked me, "What it would mean if (the abuse) it wasn't your fault?"
I became angry at the question itself. I began to list all the things I did wrong as a child and adult, to try to tell her I have made mistakes! She knows this! I have indeed made very big mistakes in my life. To every mistake she said nope, no that's doesn't cause people to become abusers. That doesn't make it you deserving of the way you have been treated.
She's right. (Damnit) I know this stuff... but I'm still resisting this soooo much, it's driving me up the wall.
I'm trying, so hard, to believe that I really was powerless to stop what happened to me... When my therapist and I talked about it, my symptoms immediately spiked. That's when I realized that all this self hate isn't just a distorted way of seeing the world, but it's how I am trying to cope. It's become my basic way of viewing the world, and my therapist is concerned how it's holding me bck.
This self contempt is a maladaptive coping skill to try to lessen the pain of the truth that I was hurt very badly, and I was truly powerless to stop it from happening. Take it away, bam, I'm hit with PANIC.
I'm scared to believe I can be a success. I'm working so hard, but I'm getting stuck, paralyzed and essentially running away from opportunities, out of fear. I feel like the version of me that can succeed is a fraud and my flaws will invariably mean horrible rejection and disaster. I'm stuck, so stuck. I'm getting in my own way. I feel like I'm in a dirty fight with myself over this fear of stepping out of the self contempt. I do have value.
I'm rather annoyed with myself at the moment, and posting this because I'm hoping someone can relate - and I'm totally open to any feedback. I don't really trust my thinking and what I believe about myself very well on any of this.
At the core of it is a prideful distorted belief that it was all my fault and I'm inherently a terrible person.
I believe this kind of thinking is prideful. Here's why: if I think it's all my fault, then that means I have super human powers to control other people and cause them to become violent abusers. It also implies I could have the power to force them to become good decent human beings.
The reality is that I do not have such powers.
But I hang on to my self contempt all the same...
My therapist recently asked me, "What it would mean if (the abuse) it wasn't your fault?"
I became angry at the question itself. I began to list all the things I did wrong as a child and adult, to try to tell her I have made mistakes! She knows this! I have indeed made very big mistakes in my life. To every mistake she said nope, no that's doesn't cause people to become abusers. That doesn't make it you deserving of the way you have been treated.
She's right. (Damnit) I know this stuff... but I'm still resisting this soooo much, it's driving me up the wall.
I'm trying, so hard, to believe that I really was powerless to stop what happened to me... When my therapist and I talked about it, my symptoms immediately spiked. That's when I realized that all this self hate isn't just a distorted way of seeing the world, but it's how I am trying to cope. It's become my basic way of viewing the world, and my therapist is concerned how it's holding me bck.
This self contempt is a maladaptive coping skill to try to lessen the pain of the truth that I was hurt very badly, and I was truly powerless to stop it from happening. Take it away, bam, I'm hit with PANIC.
I'm scared to believe I can be a success. I'm working so hard, but I'm getting stuck, paralyzed and essentially running away from opportunities, out of fear. I feel like the version of me that can succeed is a fraud and my flaws will invariably mean horrible rejection and disaster. I'm stuck, so stuck. I'm getting in my own way. I feel like I'm in a dirty fight with myself over this fear of stepping out of the self contempt. I do have value.
I'm rather annoyed with myself at the moment, and posting this because I'm hoping someone can relate - and I'm totally open to any feedback. I don't really trust my thinking and what I believe about myself very well on any of this.