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Relationship Trying to save him, can't save myself, drowning us both

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PenelopeB

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This past weekend, my CPTSD sufferer and I almost broke up. Basically what it comes down to is that he needs a lot of space, independence, and flexibility while I need more consistency, plans, and someone to be there and to be a part of my family. Both of us are trying so hard, but I know that because of where we are coming from, his needs are going to win out over mine. However, I very often feel like I’m twisting myself in ways that aren’t natural to me and giving up so many things that are important to me, including my own happiness, to meet what he needs. Aside from these issues, while he sees some of our differences as a strength in our relationship, I see them as incompatibilities. When I think about my past relationships and a potential future with him, I’m not sure that I have the same values when it comes to building or being a part of a family or that I could be as truly happy with him as I might be with someone else because of these differences. It’s not a “no” to a future, but it’s not a “yes”. It’s an overwhelming “I don’t know”.

After a final straw incident last weekend, I was distant in texting him as I knew things had come to a head and we needed to talk, but I didn’t want to blindside him. At the end of the week, I told him that we needed to meet in person. When I met him, however, he was with another friend who also has PTSD and they were both several drinks in. They continued to drink and talk for the next hour and half. I don’t know if he had mentioned to her the possibility of us breaking up, but his friend was constantly making comments that I am “the one” for my boyfriend and that she’s never seen him happier and that I am good for him. When my boyfriend left to use the restroom, she specifically told me that she’s lost several relationships due to pushing away and that my boyfriend may push me away, but he needs me there and that if I just hang on, she knows he’ll come back stronger and that I have his whole heart and he’s a wonderful guy deserving of every bit of happiness. Needless to say, it was already a lot of pressure.

As the bar began to close for the night, the three of us headed out. His friend drove off leaving us to talk, but within a few minutes the world was spinning for my boyfriend and he was puking in the parking lot, stating how he wished I wouldn’t see him like that and how he had been drinking to deal with the idea that I was going to break up with him. I stayed with him, taking care of him and just being with him. Once he had sobered up a bit, we finally talked. It kind of came down to that he would try to make some changes to meet my needs. He still couldn’t guarantee that he’d be there and couldn’t plan ahead without panic attacks, but he would try to text more, we could call each other more often, and he would meet my family, which has been a major thing for me in terms of different values (although he did make clear that he wasn’t exactly looking forward to it). He also mentioned that I should maybe state my needs more directly, which is entirely fair. However, given his past and knowing how he deeply he loves me, I told him that I needed to know that he would be okay if things ever got to be too much for me and I needed to walk away to put on my own oxygen mask and protect myself. He said that anything that might happen wouldn’t be on me, it would be his actions and his actions alone, and that a person should be in a relationship because he or she loves the other and enjoys the time together, not because he or she is afraid of leaving. However, while it would be completely on him, he was honestly unsure if he would be able to recover and move past it if I left.

I am willing to see how things go and if we can learn to compromise and better balance what we both need in order to build a viable future together. I do very much care for him and I do love him, but I just fear that sometimes it isn’t enough with our differences in core values. I am so afraid that if I need to walk away that I will destroy him, and I don’t ever want him to hurt himself, especially on my account. Push comes to shove, it feels like I am trying to pull him out of the water, but instead I am drowning us both. On top of that, I am feeling so much pressure from people who are not in my situation. PTSD sufferers, including him and his friends, are telling me to stick it out while my family and friends don’t understand why I’m not leaving him and what I see him. Do any PTSD supporters out there have any advice on how to deal with this and how to better face the isolation/challenges of being a PTSD supporter? Are there any group meetings for PTSD supporters specifically like Al Anon? Being on this forum is a HUGE help, but I feel like online can only carry so far, and it would be very nice to be able to turn to other people in similar circumstances in person. Thank you!

Tl;dr: My CPTSD sufferer and I are having difficulties in balancing our needs and different core values. We are going to work on it, but following an honest discussion of what we are to each other and what each of us needs, I am scared that if I leave him, he will harm himself or will never be able to recover emotionally
 
I'm so sorry to read this, and feel so deeply for how you have expressed your feelings, and your partners feelings. What he has expressed is pretty much spot on. Sometimes we have issues making commitment, and yet we crave it. But we push people away. The push pull syndrome. He's is also correct that should anything happen if you break it off with him... it is ON HIM. His choice. But it sort of hit me like it was also emotional blackmail too. Sort of threatening that if you leave, something might happen. That wasn't fair at all.

The drinking..... how often? Is it a pattern? It's sometimes a coping skill, not a great one, but a coping skill. It's also unfair for other people to offer suggestions that you should stay. The ONLy person that you have a responsibility to, is YOU!!!! You come first!!!!

PTSD sucks, and unless he is really in treatment and working on getting better for HIMSELF, then this is just a Merry-go-Round that just keeps going.....
 
Is he in therapy/treatment working on becoming more stable?

If not, do yourself a favor and end it. If you think there is a real possibility of self harm, call his family/friends when you do and/or police if you think he'd be an imminent danger to himself.

If he is working on stabilizing with a therapist, I'd go see a therapist myself and come up with a list of boundaries, deal breakers and support you need or can deal with. Then communicate them to him directly. When you know what you want and your boundaries, if he's crossed them then you'll know it's time for you to leave. It'll also give him a chance to decide if he's willing or even able to meet your needs. I might even ask to do a sess or 2 of couples counseling with him. You're going to need strong outside support if you're going to stay in this.

You cannot save anyone, you cannot change anyone but yourself. The most you can do is support the changes they're making themselves. If they're not in a place to be self motivated to get help (and believe me i know it can be hard to get there) there is nothing you can do. You must care for yourself first. You deserve care, kindness, love and stability even if he's suffering. You cannot save him. This is coming from a sufferer btw. This stuff is insanely painful and difficult for us, but that doesn't mean it's not crazy making, painful and potentially traumatizing for those closest to us as well. Take care of yourself.
 
He may not ever be able to meet your needs.

He told he has legitimate problems planning ahead. That is not something he can decide to change. My vet struggles with the same issue. He wants to do the things we plan. He even looks foreword to them. However PTSD breaks your stress reaction. He starts to fret about things the closer it gets to happening, then he works himself up into such a state he cannot go. Or sometimes he gets overwhelmed because it's good stress, which can be just as crippling. It's not that he "changes his mind" or "flakes"... it's that he cannot make himself go. It is beyond his capability at that time. It's a reaction to a symptom of his PTSD that he is working on. It's a process. I can't expect him to change that for my benefit. He's hanging on by his fingernails in that aspect.

CPTSD can bring up a lot of family issues, especially if he has had childhood trauma. Meeting your family, taking part in family functions, being part of a large family, etc., may be very triggering or stressful for him. Do you know what the source of his trauma is? Is it possible this is an issue for him?

I'm not saying this to discount your needs in a relationship. They are just as valid as his. However, if you decide you want a long term relationship with him, you're going to have to make adjustments for his symptoms. He has a mental illness. It's like making adjustments for physical illness. For example, my sufferer is physically disabled from combat, and I have to make adjustments for that. We can't do things that aren't accessible because he has mobility issues. I've had to accept that is part of our lives. It's the same with his PTSD. It just "is".

You are allowed your deal breakers. If it is important to you, it is important. You cannot become a martyr for this relationship, or you will be miserable. You also cannot allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into staying when things aren't healthy for you. You are not responsible for anybody else's mental health. If he is threatening self harm, or hanging the responsibility for his mental health on you, then that is emotional blackmail. That is a no-go. Also, comments from the peanut gallery should be treated as such. Nobody else should have a say in your relationship.
 
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I'm so sorry to read this, and feel so deeply for how you have expressed your feelings, and your partners...
Thank you, SheCat! I have definitely noticed the push-pull of it all but have kinda come to accept that as a part of the PTSD. I know it is logically on him if anything happens, but it is SO hard to detangle logic from emotions and just based on who I am, if something happened, I know I wouldn't be able to separate the two.

I have noticed that he drinks and smokes on his bad days as a coping mechanism, and it does bother me, but while I worry about it, I'm not sure of how to say anything. It particularly bothered me this weekend, however, as he knew I seriously needed to talk to him but then decided to go drinking with a friend after I said that we needed to meet, without really telling me that the place he intended to meet me at was a bar and that he would be with someone.

Between him drinking, what his friend said, and what he said at the end of the night when I asked him if he'd be okay, it did seem like emotional manipulation. I have wondered in the past if he has intentfully manipulated me but have ultimately chalked it up to his PTSD talking and not HIM, if that makes sense. And to be fair, before we parted ways, he did say that it was clear that I had thought a lot about where we are and where we might be going and he asked me if I wanted a break. I said no, but after getting home and thinking about everything, I kind of wish I had said yes. Either way, I don't think he is taking any medications and his therapist dropped him a few months ago when she didn't have room in her schedule for him anymore. I had, at one point when things were hard on both of us, asked him if he ever wanted to do a couples session or something, and while he appreciated the gesture, he stated that it wasn't something he would be very comfortable with. It's just frustrating all around at times...
 
He may not ever be able to meet your needs.

He told he has legitimate problems planning ahead. Tha...
Thank you for your insight and sharing your own experiences Sweetpea76! His CPTSD mainly results from his work, but he has told me that his family is dysfunctional as well and that he lived in a toxic environment as a kid so I'm sure that has contributed to some extent. He generally tries to keep me away from his family, but from what little I have seen, I can tell that there are some issues there and they aren't exactly the warm and fuzzy type. Either way, it is hard separating the emotions from the logic (for both of us). Although I do think it was completely unfair the amount of pressure that was put on me this past weekend, I kinda gave him a pass on the entire situation because I know he was distraught and not in his right mind. I know it's done and past and we both talked about some things we could work on, but I kind of do want to say something to him about how it was unfair when I see him next. Would this be wrong?
 
difficulties in balancing our needs and different core values.
This is what stands out to me, especially the "different core values" part. Those aren't going to change, right? That's why they are our core values? Meaning...they will always be there and require balancing. Something to keep in mind. If either of you is trying to alter or temporarily modify your core values to appease the other or to lessen the pressure on the relationship, I can't see how that can last for very long. If you can't stay strong in your needs, your core values, and what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship, this relationship has the potential to be very damaging.
 
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