This past weekend, my CPTSD sufferer and I almost broke up. Basically what it comes down to is that he needs a lot of space, independence, and flexibility while I need more consistency, plans, and someone to be there and to be a part of my family. Both of us are trying so hard, but I know that because of where we are coming from, his needs are going to win out over mine. However, I very often feel like I’m twisting myself in ways that aren’t natural to me and giving up so many things that are important to me, including my own happiness, to meet what he needs. Aside from these issues, while he sees some of our differences as a strength in our relationship, I see them as incompatibilities. When I think about my past relationships and a potential future with him, I’m not sure that I have the same values when it comes to building or being a part of a family or that I could be as truly happy with him as I might be with someone else because of these differences. It’s not a “no” to a future, but it’s not a “yes”. It’s an overwhelming “I don’t know”.
After a final straw incident last weekend, I was distant in texting him as I knew things had come to a head and we needed to talk, but I didn’t want to blindside him. At the end of the week, I told him that we needed to meet in person. When I met him, however, he was with another friend who also has PTSD and they were both several drinks in. They continued to drink and talk for the next hour and half. I don’t know if he had mentioned to her the possibility of us breaking up, but his friend was constantly making comments that I am “the one” for my boyfriend and that she’s never seen him happier and that I am good for him. When my boyfriend left to use the restroom, she specifically told me that she’s lost several relationships due to pushing away and that my boyfriend may push me away, but he needs me there and that if I just hang on, she knows he’ll come back stronger and that I have his whole heart and he’s a wonderful guy deserving of every bit of happiness. Needless to say, it was already a lot of pressure.
As the bar began to close for the night, the three of us headed out. His friend drove off leaving us to talk, but within a few minutes the world was spinning for my boyfriend and he was puking in the parking lot, stating how he wished I wouldn’t see him like that and how he had been drinking to deal with the idea that I was going to break up with him. I stayed with him, taking care of him and just being with him. Once he had sobered up a bit, we finally talked. It kind of came down to that he would try to make some changes to meet my needs. He still couldn’t guarantee that he’d be there and couldn’t plan ahead without panic attacks, but he would try to text more, we could call each other more often, and he would meet my family, which has been a major thing for me in terms of different values (although he did make clear that he wasn’t exactly looking forward to it). He also mentioned that I should maybe state my needs more directly, which is entirely fair. However, given his past and knowing how he deeply he loves me, I told him that I needed to know that he would be okay if things ever got to be too much for me and I needed to walk away to put on my own oxygen mask and protect myself. He said that anything that might happen wouldn’t be on me, it would be his actions and his actions alone, and that a person should be in a relationship because he or she loves the other and enjoys the time together, not because he or she is afraid of leaving. However, while it would be completely on him, he was honestly unsure if he would be able to recover and move past it if I left.
I am willing to see how things go and if we can learn to compromise and better balance what we both need in order to build a viable future together. I do very much care for him and I do love him, but I just fear that sometimes it isn’t enough with our differences in core values. I am so afraid that if I need to walk away that I will destroy him, and I don’t ever want him to hurt himself, especially on my account. Push comes to shove, it feels like I am trying to pull him out of the water, but instead I am drowning us both. On top of that, I am feeling so much pressure from people who are not in my situation. PTSD sufferers, including him and his friends, are telling me to stick it out while my family and friends don’t understand why I’m not leaving him and what I see him. Do any PTSD supporters out there have any advice on how to deal with this and how to better face the isolation/challenges of being a PTSD supporter? Are there any group meetings for PTSD supporters specifically like Al Anon? Being on this forum is a HUGE help, but I feel like online can only carry so far, and it would be very nice to be able to turn to other people in similar circumstances in person. Thank you!
Tl;dr: My CPTSD sufferer and I are having difficulties in balancing our needs and different core values. We are going to work on it, but following an honest discussion of what we are to each other and what each of us needs, I am scared that if I leave him, he will harm himself or will never be able to recover emotionally
After a final straw incident last weekend, I was distant in texting him as I knew things had come to a head and we needed to talk, but I didn’t want to blindside him. At the end of the week, I told him that we needed to meet in person. When I met him, however, he was with another friend who also has PTSD and they were both several drinks in. They continued to drink and talk for the next hour and half. I don’t know if he had mentioned to her the possibility of us breaking up, but his friend was constantly making comments that I am “the one” for my boyfriend and that she’s never seen him happier and that I am good for him. When my boyfriend left to use the restroom, she specifically told me that she’s lost several relationships due to pushing away and that my boyfriend may push me away, but he needs me there and that if I just hang on, she knows he’ll come back stronger and that I have his whole heart and he’s a wonderful guy deserving of every bit of happiness. Needless to say, it was already a lot of pressure.
As the bar began to close for the night, the three of us headed out. His friend drove off leaving us to talk, but within a few minutes the world was spinning for my boyfriend and he was puking in the parking lot, stating how he wished I wouldn’t see him like that and how he had been drinking to deal with the idea that I was going to break up with him. I stayed with him, taking care of him and just being with him. Once he had sobered up a bit, we finally talked. It kind of came down to that he would try to make some changes to meet my needs. He still couldn’t guarantee that he’d be there and couldn’t plan ahead without panic attacks, but he would try to text more, we could call each other more often, and he would meet my family, which has been a major thing for me in terms of different values (although he did make clear that he wasn’t exactly looking forward to it). He also mentioned that I should maybe state my needs more directly, which is entirely fair. However, given his past and knowing how he deeply he loves me, I told him that I needed to know that he would be okay if things ever got to be too much for me and I needed to walk away to put on my own oxygen mask and protect myself. He said that anything that might happen wouldn’t be on me, it would be his actions and his actions alone, and that a person should be in a relationship because he or she loves the other and enjoys the time together, not because he or she is afraid of leaving. However, while it would be completely on him, he was honestly unsure if he would be able to recover and move past it if I left.
I am willing to see how things go and if we can learn to compromise and better balance what we both need in order to build a viable future together. I do very much care for him and I do love him, but I just fear that sometimes it isn’t enough with our differences in core values. I am so afraid that if I need to walk away that I will destroy him, and I don’t ever want him to hurt himself, especially on my account. Push comes to shove, it feels like I am trying to pull him out of the water, but instead I am drowning us both. On top of that, I am feeling so much pressure from people who are not in my situation. PTSD sufferers, including him and his friends, are telling me to stick it out while my family and friends don’t understand why I’m not leaving him and what I see him. Do any PTSD supporters out there have any advice on how to deal with this and how to better face the isolation/challenges of being a PTSD supporter? Are there any group meetings for PTSD supporters specifically like Al Anon? Being on this forum is a HUGE help, but I feel like online can only carry so far, and it would be very nice to be able to turn to other people in similar circumstances in person. Thank you!
Tl;dr: My CPTSD sufferer and I are having difficulties in balancing our needs and different core values. We are going to work on it, but following an honest discussion of what we are to each other and what each of us needs, I am scared that if I leave him, he will harm himself or will never be able to recover emotionally