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Trying to understand affirmations

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A little lost

Confident
I am struggling with trying to counteract what I've been told are 'negative scripts that I've been conditioned to believe'
Someone told me that I should look in a mirror and tell myself daily positive things that are the direct opposite to these negative 'beliefs' that are so ingrained.
I struggle with every aspect of doing this tbh. Looking myself in the eyes (in a mirror) is very difficult anyway. Self-praise is something that really doesn't sit well with me and feels just plain wrong, possibly a result of what I've been told was 'conditioning'. I'm not very good with the jargon so please excuse me if I use incorrect terms.
I have tried just telling myself the affirmations even without the mirror....but I just feel stupid doing it.
I am persevering with it even though it just feels like a load of hogwash...I mean I could tell myself the sky is purple, but it wouldn't make it true or end up getting me to believe it.

Does this actually ever work for anyone please? I have no idea how to move forward with this at all.
 
I have worked a ton with belief systems (or programs) that I have taken on during my lifetime. They are hard to bust down. They coloured so many basic things I did or thought about. At the bottom of these systems there are feeling and emotions. Words come after the feelings and emotions shift.

I wasn't big on just talking myself out of a belief that I had held (like I was an idiot, ugly, etc etc). I mean, I can't just look in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful when I have taken on other's ideas about my looks. There is too much data to substantiate that I am NOT good looking. So I have learned that before I do the 'I am so beautiful' thing in the mirror, that I need to get to what made me believe in the first place that I was ugly and on a subconscious level I need to challenge that first before I can start to vocalize the belief that I would like to replace that old belief with.

Who said I was ugly? Was that person someone who was looking after my best interests or theirs (most likely theirs). How did the thought of being ugly help me/serve me/destroy a healthy image of myself?

I used EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) for a lot of this belief stuff. there is also a ton of stuff out there regarding belief coaching.

Best of luck to you.
 
It helps me a great deal. I, too, felt weird as hell at first. I never, ever recall feeling beautiful. Lived my whole life being told how ugly I was from the moment I was born. My mom was convinced someone had switched the babies because she certainly couldn't have given birth to something that ugly. Gee, thanks for the warm welcome, mom. I'd become physically uncomfortable while trying to tell myself I'm beautiful in a mirror and couldn't do it for quite a while.

I had to start writing it in places I'd see it for a while (on the mirror, on dry erase boards I have hanging in multiple rooms, on a note on the fridge, on a note taped to the dash of my car, etc. - I'd sometimes just write Be-YOU-tiful, or some days I'd write quotes that resonated or something that really touched my heart), and would change it often to keep me engaged with it, or else I'd talk myself right into ignoring what my brain perceived at the time to just be foolishness. Meanwhile, I had to dig deep to find the roots of all those feelings forcing me away from the mirrors. Figuring out along the way which roots to dig up and dispose of and which ones to fertilize and let grow.

I made pocket rocks (smooth rocks I'd find on walks - or - you can buy bags of them at certain dollar stores in the craft/flower sections if you live in a concrete jungle) with a nice smooth rock and a sharpie (learned to later seal them so I didn't rub the letters off as I handled it) and a message I needed to see that day. For example: A.F.G.O - Another f*cking Growth Opportunity or Y.A.N.A - You Are Not Alone or sometimes just a heart to remind me to get back into my heart space and out of my head.

I often thank the different parts/systems/functions of my body when I look into my own eyes the mirror, too. Our cells are listening and continually absorb our thoughts and words. Our body rarely has a chance to hear anything except a list of symptoms we're trying to fight our way through and about what hurts the most within a day. I start thanking everything I can name from head to toe. That also inspired me to go learn more about my own innards, as what is out of sight typically remains out of mind unless it breaks down and stops working, and the little bit that's touched on in the schools (including higher education) is quite inadequate for a complete understanding that can benefit and empower us. Even the professionals separate us into specialties, dividing us up into pieces and parts rather than looking at us and treating us as a whole being.

I was pretty much convinced it wouldn't work before ever trying it, as I was with many of the other things that has helped me the most. But luckily I persisted anyway and can now verbally and mentally love myself up with or without a mirror and no longer feel weird about it. I now kinda view the mirror thing as being a bit rebellious against the typical use for it. We're so used to using it only to check our outer appearance in hopes of being good enough to meet others' approval. f*ck that, I now use it to meet my own damn approval, from the inside out. Take that, society!!

I also had to work hard at sifting through and finding various practitioners I could resonate deeply with to help me sort my mind well enough to be able to make room and time for the affirmations. So much conditioned shit up there to sort through, I knew I couldn't do it without some major guidance. Pema Chodron and Teal Swan are two that always come to mind when I remember struggling through the beginning stages of self-love. Both are on you tube. Best wishes in finding a more comfortable groove.
 
I hear you! I totally get the looking in the mirror part and would definitely start without doing that. I am not big on the affirmations that just sound like fluff or are totally unbelievable to me. I searched (a lot on Pinterest and other places with quotes) till I found some that were not yet believable, but felt possible if that makes any sense.
I also think there is lots of other work that has to be done to change the negative beliefs and distortions....this is just one piece of the puzzle.
 
I have finally gotten the hang of this, and it has changed my life. When you talk to yourself, pretend you're talking to someone you love very much. Someone you would never talk shit to. So, if you make a mistake, instead of telling yourself you're stupid/an idiot/worthless, etc, think about what you would day to someone special. Probably more along the lines of, everyone makes mistakes, that doesn't make you any less wonderful, or smart, or whatever.

I had to put stickies EVERYWHERE to remember to do this. First few days, I felt like an idiot. Next few, I felt like I was just quoting lines. After about a week, the words started making sense to me. Now, a year later, I believe them. When I do occasionally catch myself in negative self-talk, I don't criticize myself. I feel sad for the person who believed all those terrible things for so long. I feel self-compassion and self-love.

This was the most important key in my recovery. You can do it too, I know it!
 
I have a nasty reaction to positive affirmations and have given up on that strategy. I throw a lot (like, a L O T!) of thought diffusion at recurring problematic thoughts (thank gawd for thought defusion!), and I've done a lot of work on my warped core beliefs to some degree of success.

Getting all "positive" on myself, when my starting point was something along the lines of "I'm a monster from hell" was too far in the opposite direction of what I firmly believed. These days I work towards self acceptance: I'm flawed, and that's ok. Not 100% heavenly goodness, not pure evil, just human, flawed, and doing ok. I don't need to be hearing my inner critic telling me I'm successful or beautiful or popular etc. because a lot of days (most days)? I'm not. And for me (and it's definitely a personal thing here), not hating myself would be awesome. I could build meaning for myself in that world, the one where I'm not a heinous, toxic demon. That's recovery to me.

I think it depends on what you're trying to achieve. If you're trying to introduce some habitual and positive thinking patterns, and creating a new inner dialogue? Then I can understand why so many people swear by them. But if you're trying to do a complete U-Turn on core beliefs that have defined you for decades? Not so much!
 
Positive can mean many things for different folks. Using words like beautiful, successful, and popular may be helpful to some, but those are only a very small portion of things that can be viewed in that manner. Those words never worked for me as they only served to trigger and remind me how little I had accomplished in the eyes of others. When I use the term beautiful, I change it to be-you-tiful, to remind me how critical it is to actually be me, not just the me others wished me to be.

Many of the words often used in typical places I'd find lists of affirmations were also heavily linked to those twisted core beliefs I'd been conditioned to believe from birth, so that added a whole new level of thinking that kind of stuff was just another way to try to get me to comply with even more fictional bullshit.

I had to personalize my mantras/affirmations/thought processes and such and seek out quotes that deeply resonated and sparked some forward momentum within, rather than just choosing from lists of affirmations already existing. Incorporating my own flavor of flaws into my affirmations helped a great deal in the acceptance of them. Otherwise, I was only working to continue to hide them, and that never turns out well for me.

Picking language/words/expectations of others who we've been trying like hell to live up to for much of our lives doesn't fare well for us much of the time, as we're often already stuck in a default thought loop of never feeling worthy, so that just gives us another chance to quickly feel as if we've failed, yet again.

Some days, acknowledging my breath is the only positive affirmation I can drum up. Perhaps thinking we have to set the bar in some perceived positive place we feel that others feel we should already be in is what causes us to decide this kind of thing simply isn't for us.

The only way I was able to change the life damaging core beliefs I'd been programmed from birth to believe was, first, by being repeatedly abused the most by others who supposedly held the same core beliefs. What a shitty way to have to learn, but it leaves a lasting impression, that's for damn sure. Those experiences planted the seeds of me doubting anything else that came out of their mouths.

Also, making me wonder what the f*ck was going on with these supposedly highly respected and upstanding holy hearts and the stuff they'd claim with their mouths, but were then being the same damn ones who were real quick to bring so much f*cking harm other living beings with their beliefs, hands, mouths, and ongoing daily actions and choices. I also noticed many of those same folks are quick to pray (prey) for change, but not often much into actively doing things to make differences that really mattered, especially where it was needed the most.

Then later, being willing to totally unlearn and let go of all I'd been taught and learned to better read and trust my gut and my heart, while also working hard at re-learning how to more healthily love my self, from the inside out. My gut had been trying to tell me some major stuff all along, but had been repeatedly labeled and diagnosed as many other things along the way and quickly redirected to the wishes of others, instead.

However, I had to be catapulted into that particular learning experience via the emergency room. Yet another way I wouldn't recommend, but it surely was effective for me. It's only taken 50 years to finally feel like I'm onto what more healthily works for me, and it looks nothing like I was told it 'should' be. Imagine that.
 
For me, it's not about telling myself I'm awesome in every way. It's about accepting my flaws, understanding where they came from (the abuse), and telling myself that I did the best I could with what I had to work with. It's about compassion. Rather than call myself stupid a hundred times a day, I tell myself it's ok to make mistakes. It's normal. Or, if I do catch myself telling me I'm stupid, I remind myself that I was conditioned to believe that by people who wanted to control me.
 
I'm really appreciating this thread. I have the same feelings about affirmations as you @A little lost. The thought of patting myself on the back makes me want to vomit. Saying something doesn't make it true.

This little nugget right here really reframed it all for me.
When you talk to yourself, pretend you're talking to someone you love very much.
I have four kids. Two are daughters and I know that I have heard my seven year old talk down about herself on many occasions. As a mother it breaks my heart. I correct her with as much compassion as possible when I catch it. I also remind them all frequently about how much they are loved. So why is it okay to think those same negative things about myself?
 
I'm really appreciating this thread. I have the same feelings about affirmations as you ...



Welcome to the forum, val! I'm glad you found us. I had never really thought about my self-talk until I heard my daughter, who was around seven as well at the time, use the same ugly words on herself that I used. It killed me to hear them. So, it's not ok to think those negative things about yourself. We need to let go of our conditioning and acknowledge that we're NOT loathsome, or stupid, or worthless, or (insert insult here).
 
I have a nasty reaction to positive affirmations and have given up on that strategy. I throw a...
(((Ragdoll)))

Yes, you're flawed. Your abusers made sure of that. And I don't care how you react to this - I've read you enough to know that you're caring and compassionate and authentic and so very sad. You've done the best you could with what you were given. You've never given up the fight.

Nothing about you suggests *bad* . Troubled, yes. Bad? Only to yourself, I bet. I get that you don't believe it's ok to be kind to yourself, but that does not make you unkind. You're someone I would be proud to connect with irl.
 
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