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Unbecoming The Victim

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Xibalba

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I know almost every therapy eventually works towards turning a PTSD sufferer from a "victim" to a "survivor". This ties in heavily with my Buddhist reading, too.

It's also the thing I am having the hardest time with. So long as I am still convinced I am a victim, I act like a victim, and attract people who see that weakness, and then take advantage of me, making me (literally) more of a victim. The cycle continues, but it needs to be broken.

Mindfulness throughout the day helps, but for someone with my symptoms (see? I am about to present myself as a victim to my symptoms!), I have difficulty maintaining it.

What have you found are helpful ways in undoing "victim thinking"?
 
For me, what helped the most with transforming from victim to survivor was to recognize that playing the role of the vicitm was really just my way of trying to get external validation of my pain. I needed people to see how much I'd sufferend in my life so I could get acknowledgement. The turning point for me was when I came to terms with the fact that I was never going to get the kind of validation I really wanted from the people I really wanted it from. I then began to work on validating those feeling on my own and accepting the only person I really needed acknowledgement from was myself. Realizing this and adapting to the fact that my suffering would never be fully acknowledged by those who hurt me was, as my therapist put it, a "huge step."
 
For me, what helped the most with transforming from victim to survivor was to recognize that playing the role of the vicitm was really just my way of trying to get external validation of my pain.

Realizing this and adapting to the fact that my suffering would never be fully acknowledged by those who hurt me was, as my therapist put it, a "huge step."

I think this is so beautifully put ronin! I can totally relate to this and couldn't have said it better myself. I think I still struggle with this to some degree by not being acknowledged by those who've hurt me. It is very painful to have to come to that realization.
 
I agree with Heather, that what you wrote (Ronin) is on the money. For me I can't get to:

... work on validating those feeling on my own and accepting the only person I really needed acknowledgement from was myself. Realizing this and adapting to the fact that my suffering would never be fully acknowledged by those who hurt me was, as my therapist put it, a "huge step."

My ego still wants my pain validated, and so the war is between my mind and my ego. Guess who's winning...
 
This is VERY timely for me to read. Only about a week ago I posted this thread on another forum, about how much distress I was in, and I think I was just wanting to have that pain acknowledged...which a couple of people did. What was interesting was that I also attracted some rather sadistic people who played with me, and manipulated my emotions, just to be mean, so that victim mentality was still definitely in place.

My ego still has trouble with wanting the pain to be validated, and for those who caused it to acknowledge what they did...but that will never happen. Those people were in pain themselves, and acted the way they did from not having their pain acknowledged either. It's this vicious circle.

I know that self-validation and acknowledgement is the way to go,but I am also having trouble with this. My ego doesn't want ME to acknowledge it, or doesn't find satisfaction in that...and my ego can be a real brat sometimes that has to get it's own way.

Thanks for starting this thread, it's something I needed to be reminded of.
 
Those people were in pain themselves, and acted the way they did from not having their pain acknowledged either. It's this vicious circle.

That's EXACTLY right, and highly attuned. What we are SUPPOSED to do is forgive those people, forgive ourselves, and let go of all the urges for validation or (worse) revenge. Forgiveness gets us out of everything, and we are healed.

Our damn ego and human nature keeps us from forgiving properly. Most of us don't actually know what forgiveness is.

For me, I have to forgive someone whom I want to ... um... do very bad things to. This is the greatest test I have been given in my entire life, and there's not a clear answer yet as to how this will end up. But it's been three years, and I have kept myself from doing anything, and every day work on forgiving, forgiving, forgiving. I may be treading water, but at least I am not sinking.
 
I prefer to think of myself as a survivor, but that has also been a block in dealing with PTSD and other issues. See, viewing myself as a survivor made me tough, capable of going it alone, putting the past behind me, and just about every other form of denial. The thing is, I am a survivor, but being a survivor doesn't mean I have to go it alone or place unrealistic expectations on myself. That sets a person up for failure just like "victim" thinking.

It seems this disorder revolves around extremes: emotions, thought processes, coping, etc. Hopefully someday we will all find the balance.
 
That's EXACTLY right, and highly attuned. What we are SUPPOSED to do is forgive those people, forgive ourselves, and let go of all the urges for validation or (worse) revenge. Forgiveness gets us out of everything, and we are healed.

A while ago I read a text about the pain-validation thing which said that we DON'T have to forgive them for all what they've done. There are things that just aren't to be forgiven, it just won't be right to do that. One can accept that they happened and understand why those persons did it, that they had personal problems, were ill or whatever.
But forgiveness is a different thing.

I very much liked that text, in a way it was what I'd always searched for :p. People did things to me which aren't to be forgiven but I can understand and accept that there were reasons beyond themselves and their free will which made them do it. This has helped me much in my inner healing.

I still can't forgive myself for some things I didn't do, but I don't know if I really have to. Maybe it would be better if... But I understand why I wasn't able to do something then.
 
I prefer to think of myself as a survivor, but that has also been a block in dealing with PTSD and other issues. See, viewing myself as a survivor made me tough, capable of going it alone, putting the past behind me, and just about every other form of denial. The thing is, I am a survivor, but being a survivor doesn't mean I have to go it alone or place unrealistic expectations on myself. That sets a person up for failure just like "victim" thinking.

It seems this disorder revolves around extremes: emotions, thought processes, coping, etc. Hopefully someday we will all find the balance.
I also prefer to think of myself as a survivor, but that doesn't mean that my thinking doesn't sometimes fall into the mode of victim, much to my displeasure. I think it's important to acknowledge that when a person is mistreated in some way that they have been the victim. That doesn't mean they can't overcome that and become a survivor, but for that to happen, it's important to first acknowledge that they have fallen victim to someone elses predatorial urges. There's no shame in calling a spade a spade.

I have gone it alone for years, and only just been made aware of this thinking that is still present in me, when I thought it was gone.
 
That's EXACTLY right, and highly attuned. What we are SUPPOSED to do is forgive those people, forgive ourselves, and let go of all the urges for validation or (worse) revenge. Forgiveness gets us out of everything, and we are healed.

Our damn ego and human nature keeps us from forgiving properly. Most of us don't actually know what forgiveness is.

For me, I have to forgive someone whom I want to ... um... do very bad things to. This is the greatest test I have been given in my entire life, and there's not a clear answer yet as to how this will end up. But it's been three years, and I have kept myself from doing anything, and every day work on forgiving, forgiving, forgiving. I may be treading water, but at least I am not sinking.
Yes, it's very rarely as easy as everyone who is not the person going through all that, likes to think it is. It's far easier to just say to someone "Just forgive them" and relinquish any real need to empathize with what the person is going through.

I think forgiveness is a process, like most things in life. You can be willing to forgive, but that doesn't mean you absolutely DO forgive that person then and there...it is something that takes times to really, REALLY forgive.
 
Maybe I have trouble viewing myself as a victim, because deep down, in some twisted way, I felt like I deserved it. Not at all logical, but there none the less.
 
A while ago I read a text about the pain-validation thing which said that we DON'T have to forgive them for all what they've done. There are things that just aren't to be forgiven, it just won't be right to do that. One can accept that they happened and understand why those persons did it, that they had personal problems, were ill or whatever.
But forgiveness is a different thing.

I very much liked that text, in a way it was what I'd always searched for :p. People did things to me which aren't to be forgiven but I can understand and accept that there were reasons beyond themselves and their free will which made them do it. This has helped me much in my inner healing.

I still can't forgive myself for some things I didn't do, but I don't know if I really have to. Maybe it would be better if... But I understand why I wasn't able to do something then.
I think it's a valid point you made.

One can choose to dwell in the state of unforgiveness as a way of feeling more strongly, a sense of their own importance. If you were to 'just forgive them', wouldn't that be the same as saying "It doesn't matter what you did to me because I don't matter"?

It's a form of self-respect to not forgive someone I think, but ultimately it's better for your own health that you do come to eventually, in your own time.

You don't have to forgive their actions, but forgiving the person for being human (unless they did something so inhuman that is?) is important so that YOU aren't filled with all that anger, which only hurts YOU more.
 
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