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Relationship Uncomfortable In Healthy Relationship Settings

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LoveAVictim

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Hi there,

I personally do not suffer from PTSD, however, am close to somebody who is and need advice.

I've known this guy for 9 years. We are very close. We dated for a year previously, but he ended it very suddenly and without reason a few years ago. We recently decided to take our relationship from friendschool to dating again. He frequently reminds me that I'm one of the few people he trusts, and the only one who hasn't hurt him in some way, and that he deeply cares. He's aware that I'm deeply in love with him.

He had a history of physical, emotional, and mental abuse as a child. He has been married twice, both women who were abusive and in my opinion psycho. He is a war vet as well.

We recently had a serious discussion about our relationship as he's back and forth with how he acts emotionally. He told me that me being so "normal" and "good to him" makes him uncomfortable. He expects to subconsciously sabotage the relationship. He says that chaotic abusive relationships are comfortable for him. He gets distant because he's so scared of unintentionally hurting me. The way he described it is as as a crazy paradox: the one thing he wants he can't function in.

All of this surprisingly makes sense to me. Maybe it's after being allowed in his head through all of these years. I'm not willing to walk away for something easier so quickly. However, I'm at a loss as to how to help and support him through this. I want to try to push him to see what he deserves and to show him that he can have something good. He doesn't know how I can help him. I've been holding back a lot of normal relationship things for fear of pushing too hard (I miss/thinking of you's, sharing verbally how I feel although he already knows, initiating physical contact and only going wit b it when he starts). Maybe I need to do the opposite?

Can somebody who has been through this please give some advice? I'm at a loss and it's killing me. Have you been with somebody who was similar? Were you that person?
 
This may not be what you wish to hear, but it may be best that you both stay friends only. Not only for him, but for yourself. If he has that mindset, a romantic relationship with him can and will be disasterous. You can't fix him. He will need to go through possibly years of therapy to undo some of the damage. I hope things work out the way you want them to, but be cautious.
 
This may not be what you wish to hear, but it may be best that you both stay friends only. Not...

Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate it. He has been in therapy for at least 10 years now. Although he admits to just opening only so much to the therapist. Ultimately I don't think he's getting anything from it. He won't open up and he doesn't take his meds.

I am being very cautious, especially with the last abrupt breakup, which was due to these fears (I only learned that much later). He is much more improved from the last time we tried this. I dont know that I can back off just yet, but I am being very careful for both of us.
 
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