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Unsure About My Memory, And If Memories Are Missing, How Do I Recover?

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Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
My therapy took a big turn the last few months in that I suddenly started to have flashbacks, images, uneasy feelings, odd compulsive thoughts on seemingly random blips of memory.

(Please note I describe a situation below without going into much detail, I hope I don't trigger anyone)

Some memories I remember but they were in emotionless black and white, I never gave them much thought. These same thoughts came back in 3-D stereo and COLOR. It is shocking in that how did I never recognize them for their implication?!

The T and I have discussed a lot of what I do remember. I do have things left to share with him when I am ready…but oddly, unless “new stuff” comes in, I have nothing else to share. As in I literally do not remember anything else.

My T said once remembering allows reintegration to present and healing. I also asked him if it is possible I have remembered all bad things at "level 6" but repressed everything at "level 8". He said it was possible. We discussed if my lack of memory is "normal" so I spent a few weeks thinking hard and I made a list of every single tiny bit of memory/incident I can recall.

I have 28 memories. 3 from age 4/5 and they were confirmed so I count them. Remaining memories are 5+ to 12ish. I do not recall classrooms, friends etc. I have tried really hard to remember.

Considering this, it seems from my adult perspective that big chunks of years seem to be missing? Again, it is my gut feel but I really don't know if this is normal or not.

Another odd phenomena, I have always had the sense of knowing things that are not substantiated by actual memories. For example, I have always felt there was more violence when we were young and it slowed as we aged because we could "tell". It basically ended in teenage years excluding occasional incidents. I also "know" that (hitting us) "didn't count as long as he didn't use his hands". I have no idea why I "know" this. I do remember a bad incident watching my male parent kick the hell out of my 6 year old brother. He kicked his wife like that in later years, I remember/know that as I was in my early teens.

I know there was severe emotional abuse and neglect as this continued into later years. I have a few really disturbing memories which by their context gives me grave concern but ... I just don't remember anything specific along those lines. It is really frustrating, I feel that I have a few puzzle pieces but I am missing so much in between I can't make any sense of it.

I dearly fear remembering if there is more but if I cannot remember…how do I progress?

Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated, thank you for reading.

Whirlwind
 
In my writing, as I was growing up, I always wrote about something being there that I could not talk about but not knowing what it was. When I was a young girl I was attacked by my female babysitter. Though I think there was more that happened then what I remember, my mom refused to talk about it and even got angry when I brought it up last year. I'm in my forties, so you would think it would be alright by then. Though I do believe that there are false memories, I also know, by experience, that your brain does block out things in order to protect you. When I was in 9th grade a group of boys attacked me in broad daylight. They were suppose to be friends. Anyhow, a few years later, I brought it up with my sister in order to warn her to be careful. Imagine my surprise when she told me she was there and that there were more boys there then what I remembered. I did not remember her there. I think it was easier not to. So I don't believe naysayers who say that you don't repress memories.

I think it is better to get things out so that they don't have control over your life. I wish my mom would have talked to me about the incident with the babysitter, but it was during a time when people believed if you didn't talk about it then it was okay and dealt with.
Make sure you have good support.
 
It must have been shocking to realize there was a witness/proof, but I suppose its good to have validation, its something.

I think that is a tough part for me, they didn't take pictures of us as kids, we were isolated and ignored, no birthdays..relatives, friends, friends of parents, its feels like I didn't exist before a certain age.

So I don't believe naysayers who say that you don't repress memories.

I wonder about this, thanks for your perspective. I have a tough time thinking any but a rare few would WANT any of this. If I could erase my memory this moment and be told it would not affect me anymore...I think I would say yes. I only accept them now as I want them to take a permanent back seat to my life. Forever.
 
I have large chunks of memory missing from my worst trauma which was a total captivity situation over 4 years. I only have enough memory for less than a year of it. I know my memory ceased at the time I truly believed I would die (gun against head etc). I think my brain has blocked out so much due to the severity of it and it's a good coping mechanism and I don't want to remember anymore, I already remember enough.

I was really worried about the missing stuff and talked with my T about this and she said we won't be digging for missing memory, if I do remember more, we'll deal with this as it comes. If not, it can stay there locked away. She explained that I don't need to remember every part to have healing. It was a huge relief as I don't want to remember anymore.

I think it's okay not to remember everything.
 
Some of my memory is only starting to come back 5-6 years later, random things, out of the blue, that are triggered by something someone says or does.

Makes me feel like I'm the world's best fiction author, Class A fraud.
 
I think your brain blocks things in an effort to protect you. I wish mine would unlock some of the stuff so that I can get on with it. It feels like something more is there, like that word on the tip of your tongue. But it evades me.

Bubzilla, you are definitely not a Class A Fraud.
 
I have blocks of time missing from my past...I call them gray screens. Regardless of the visual absence of time, the emotional connection to those periods, is alive and writhing. Some mornings, when I wake (with the guilt and shame from blaming myself for experienced traumas), I will just bang on the floor and repeat over and over..."I didn't do anything wrong!", My personal tendency, is to punish myself for being raped, or molested. or held up, etc. So, while the visual memories are absent, I deal with all the emotions involved with each violation I have experienced. (However, had I been smarter I would not have been in that particular place at that particular time...and the trauma wouldn't have occurred. Therefore, it's my fault.)...with the absence of visual memory, the emotions get all tangled up and I do not recognize which one belongs to what; or what is reality for the present moment. I disassociate quite frequently...too many radios blasting in my head. T says it'll all come out when I'm ready to deal with it. Oh! If things only worked like they do in books and journals.
 
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