Whirlwind
MyPTSD Pro
My therapy took a big turn the last few months in that I suddenly started to have flashbacks, images, uneasy feelings, odd compulsive thoughts on seemingly random blips of memory.
(Please note I describe a situation below without going into much detail, I hope I don't trigger anyone)
Some memories I remember but they were in emotionless black and white, I never gave them much thought. These same thoughts came back in 3-D stereo and COLOR. It is shocking in that how did I never recognize them for their implication?!
The T and I have discussed a lot of what I do remember. I do have things left to share with him when I am ready…but oddly, unless “new stuff” comes in, I have nothing else to share. As in I literally do not remember anything else.
My T said once remembering allows reintegration to present and healing. I also asked him if it is possible I have remembered all bad things at "level 6" but repressed everything at "level 8". He said it was possible. We discussed if my lack of memory is "normal" so I spent a few weeks thinking hard and I made a list of every single tiny bit of memory/incident I can recall.
I have 28 memories. 3 from age 4/5 and they were confirmed so I count them. Remaining memories are 5+ to 12ish. I do not recall classrooms, friends etc. I have tried really hard to remember.
Considering this, it seems from my adult perspective that big chunks of years seem to be missing? Again, it is my gut feel but I really don't know if this is normal or not.
Another odd phenomena, I have always had the sense of knowing things that are not substantiated by actual memories. For example, I have always felt there was more violence when we were young and it slowed as we aged because we could "tell". It basically ended in teenage years excluding occasional incidents. I also "know" that (hitting us) "didn't count as long as he didn't use his hands". I have no idea why I "know" this. I do remember a bad incident watching my male parent kick the hell out of my 6 year old brother. He kicked his wife like that in later years, I remember/know that as I was in my early teens.
I know there was severe emotional abuse and neglect as this continued into later years. I have a few really disturbing memories which by their context gives me grave concern but ... I just don't remember anything specific along those lines. It is really frustrating, I feel that I have a few puzzle pieces but I am missing so much in between I can't make any sense of it.
I dearly fear remembering if there is more but if I cannot remember…how do I progress?
Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated, thank you for reading.
Whirlwind
(Please note I describe a situation below without going into much detail, I hope I don't trigger anyone)
Some memories I remember but they were in emotionless black and white, I never gave them much thought. These same thoughts came back in 3-D stereo and COLOR. It is shocking in that how did I never recognize them for their implication?!
The T and I have discussed a lot of what I do remember. I do have things left to share with him when I am ready…but oddly, unless “new stuff” comes in, I have nothing else to share. As in I literally do not remember anything else.
My T said once remembering allows reintegration to present and healing. I also asked him if it is possible I have remembered all bad things at "level 6" but repressed everything at "level 8". He said it was possible. We discussed if my lack of memory is "normal" so I spent a few weeks thinking hard and I made a list of every single tiny bit of memory/incident I can recall.
I have 28 memories. 3 from age 4/5 and they were confirmed so I count them. Remaining memories are 5+ to 12ish. I do not recall classrooms, friends etc. I have tried really hard to remember.
Considering this, it seems from my adult perspective that big chunks of years seem to be missing? Again, it is my gut feel but I really don't know if this is normal or not.
Another odd phenomena, I have always had the sense of knowing things that are not substantiated by actual memories. For example, I have always felt there was more violence when we were young and it slowed as we aged because we could "tell". It basically ended in teenage years excluding occasional incidents. I also "know" that (hitting us) "didn't count as long as he didn't use his hands". I have no idea why I "know" this. I do remember a bad incident watching my male parent kick the hell out of my 6 year old brother. He kicked his wife like that in later years, I remember/know that as I was in my early teens.
I know there was severe emotional abuse and neglect as this continued into later years. I have a few really disturbing memories which by their context gives me grave concern but ... I just don't remember anything specific along those lines. It is really frustrating, I feel that I have a few puzzle pieces but I am missing so much in between I can't make any sense of it.
I dearly fear remembering if there is more but if I cannot remember…how do I progress?
Any thoughts or experiences would be appreciated, thank you for reading.
Whirlwind