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Urgent Need of Advice - Boyfriend Has Cut Contact With Me

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Myaleah22, Nov 21, 2007.

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  1. Myaleah22

    Myaleah22 New Member

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    I think my boyfriend suffers from PTSD. He mentioned it before his 2nd deployment this past April to Iraq. he had begun to have anxiety breakdowns (just emotional) but I was there and got him through it by holding him. He was terrified to go back. Where he went ended up being very safe as opposed to last deployment in the middle of Baghdad and high combat and rocket attacks. Now he is in Baghdad International Airport, basically made into a huge base. We got closer and closer over the past 6 months and were doing so well. He said he felt safer than ever before and was doing so well besides a few days here and there of him being kinda sad and down when instant messaging). We grew up in school together and are best friends and so in love, on the same page in what we wanted in life, have mutual friends, he wanted me to move to GA when he comes home. to and everything was perfect. His shift changed (nothing new) but he said it was for a new mission. Then I didnt hear much from him for over a week (thinking he is adjusting to the new schedule and sleep and all). He then sends me a quick email through myspace and says he is having troubles with his anxiety. That if it gets worse he will go to a doctor. I encouraged him that I am there for him and love him. Then a week later he IM's me (5 weeks ago) and says I think we need a break. I say why are you doing this? He says he needs to think about the rest of his life. Since when?? I ask him questions and he says he already told me why and says he needs to sleep. I beg him not to leave me and he said he loves me too and got off line. I have written him and left love comments telling him I promised him I would stand by him so I am keeping my committment. He took my pictures down that next day from his myspace and moved me off his top friends (front page) and not a word but yet he is allowing me to leave love comments, left in a relationship as his status and hasnt erased or blocked me. I just dont get where all this came from. Until a week ago when my GF whose husband is at the same base writes me and says there was a mortar that hit a chow hall somewhere on that base and it killed 2 men and injured like 40. I checked the dates and it waas the day after he said he needed a break. So now I am thinking something triggered his PTSD, maybe hearing rokets and mortars the days around that time before one got in. I dont know but he is gone. He wont respond to any of my messages but he keeps reading them. I have stopped asking questions and now all I say is that I love him and am there for him, that I can't wait until he is home and of course I apologized for anything I may have done to cause this.....He contacted his family but they said he was short and got off quickly saying he is fine. He hasnt even told them about his anxieties as he did me. I dont know whats happening or what to do. He is the best man I have ever met, truly a loving, loyal and genuine gentleman and this is not like him, he is like someone else to me. Being in a loving emotional relationship is new to him too being overseas. Normally he would never want me hurting and would never leave me so I dont know how to fix this. My son is also in love with him and they were so close before he left. I want to keep my committment but I am so scared he will come home in January for his 18 day leave and not see me, when origionally he was going to stay with me because I live near his family. His deployment isnt up until probably atleast July of 08 and he really doesnt need to be there with his condition but I am sure he hides it. I cant lose him, we were so happy and I just want to help him through it. Has anybody heard of this being done to someone or know what I need to do???? Please help me. I have been sick over this and I feel like I am losing it.
     
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  3. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Welcome to the forum Myaleah, lovely to have you. I am sorry for your hurt with your boyfriend at present. However, if he does indeed have PTSD and has asked for a break, you must respect his wishes. PTSD sufferers go through periods where they need space, especially from loved ones. Any efforts on your part to keep contacting him will only serve to push him away further. My advice to you, as hard as it is, is to wait until he contacts you first. In the meantime, you may wish to educate yourself about PTSD as much as you can, so you may understand his actions. There are many helpful articles upon this forum. This article is an excellent place to start:

    [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread2296.html[/DLMURL]

    Take good care, and hang in there.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2015
  4. Sapper

    Sapper Active Member

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    I don't have PTSD, I'm a carer. But I have been deployed and I have broken up with girls while deployed. Regardless of being on operations though, if I told a girl I wanted a break and she kept writing me saying she loved me and so on, well damn. That's the last thing I'd want to hear. I'd feel like a total heel, not to mention it would piss me off after a while. It would make me want to talk to her even less. Look, taking you off his myspace account is a pretty big clue as to how he's feeling at the moment. He's obviously serious about not wanting to communicate with you right now. I know your hurting, but bugging him about it is just going to make things worse. I suggest you leave him alone, talk to other friends for support and so forth. If your ever going to get back together with him, pushing him is not the way to go about it.
     
  5. Umus

    Umus New Member

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    Myaleah, I understand very well what you are going through. You might not like to hear it, but you MUST respect his wish to have more space. It is very hard to accept, I also had to learn the hard way...This forum is a wonderful place to learn a lot and also to communicate with people who do understand. I am sure you will get a lot of good advice. Read as much as you can and listen what people on here will tell you, it helped me a lot. I wish you a lot of strength in this difficult situation and sincerely hope you will understand soon.
     
  6. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

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    Hi Myaleah. I must say that I have to agree with what the others have written as hard as it may be for you.

    Take care.
     
  7. Nonie

    Nonie Member

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    I understand what you're going through. My bf broke up with me mid-deployment and there was no true answer as to why he did it. We have had so many ups and downs during this deployment and we even had a period of no contact which was on my request because i couldn't handle what was happening between us.

    Just like everyone else has suggested, it's best that you leave him be for now. He will come back to you when he is ready, but i'm pretty positive he thinks about you all the time.

    My (ex) bf tells/told me that he thinks about me all the time, and he is always thinking about the times we had together, and he misses me dearly...but this is just a period where he needs to be alone and gather his own thoughts.

    I know it's hard, believe me, i know!! It's aweful!! But just hang in there....i know it hurts to know that he removed you from his MySpace and is trying to cut off all communication with you...my ex did similar things of that nature too...but it's only because he doesn't want to hurt you either with his troubles, and also because he needs time to re-think his plans, his life, and how he can move forward to things in the future. It's a time of reflection for him, and a time to regain control of his own life.

    My ex has had countless run-ins with danger also in Iraq. Mortars flying everywhere, people being injured on base, soldiers being killed due to hits on the base. It's a lot to take in and process, and can be extremely overwhelming...they don't have time to sit there and ponder what happened...it happens so quickly..and if they slow down to process feelings and emotions, it can be really dangerous for the enviroment they're in right now.

    I believe my ex is taking this time apart from me right now because he needs to gather his thoughts and situate his life. He also doesn't want me to feel what he's feeling, because he doesn't want me to hurt..and also because he feels embarrassed about what goes through his mind and what's happening to him.

    Give him some time and space, and he will come around eventually. It might be a slow process, but just be a friend to him for now. There's one thing i learned and that is not to smother them when they are feeling this way. It only makes them push you away even further..because you become another thing/person he has to worry about. Don't take that in a negative context...he just has a lot on his shoulders right now...but i'm sure you are always in thought.

    Be positive, and hang tight. My ex has begun to slowly open up to me about his stuff when he pleases...i don't dig for it, and that's very comforting for me. I learnt the hard way...but you should do this the right way!!
     
  8. Myaleah22

    Myaleah22 New Member

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    update

    thank you all for your replies. I found out from another friend on contract (through the postal service there) who is actually on the way home (he quit) that there has been attacks since the exact day he wrote me, which were not occuring before, so his safety net is gone...I know once he is home he will be ok. I am still on his myspace just not his top rt now but many of our mutual friends have given me strength. He will be ok wit continued prayer. Thank you so much...God bless. :)
     
  9. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    I am glad you are feeling better Myaleah, however I am a bit confused. He will be OK once home? Are you saying he doesn't have PTSD? I am a Christian myself, I believe in prayer, however if he does have PTSD, prayer will not help nor cure him. I am not saying this to make you feel badly. Merely I am a bit concerned that you are setting yourself up to be hurt. PTSD doesn't just come and go with circumstances, it is permanent. In any event, take good care.
     
  10. Sapper

    Sapper Active Member

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    Yep I have to agree Mya, if he has PTSD and your thinking everything will be all better once he's home, that's a pipe dream. It's a nice fantasy but your in for a rude awakening, sorry to say.
     
  11. Myaleah22

    Myaleah22 New Member

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    I am sorry. No I dont mean he will be fine and it will be gone. I have seen it before he even left and he was home. But just that when he was home we got through it together when he would break down and I know if he were here or comes home I can be there for him and help him through, or atleast try my hardest. I am helpless from so far. I am doing my best. He said before he left that if he changes, becomes distant or starts forgetting to stand by him and so I am trying. Keeping faith and not letting it run my whole life is what has been so hard.
     
  12. Myaleah22

    Myaleah22 New Member

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    Anthony

    MY BF is overseas for his 2nd time in iraq. He and I were doing so well, having been gone for 6 months when suddenly out of nowhere he said we need a break and I havent spoken in 6 wks. I believe he has PTSD or is getting it as before he left he broke down with me about going back and he has big anxieties. Then for him one day while over there to be like I am so in love with you and I finally found everything I ever wanted in someone to I need a break just made no sense to me. We talked all the time and I noticed he stopped being online as much and started sayign he was tired which when he breaks down he always wanted to sleep. Well he wrote me on day and says he is having trouble with his anxieties but everything will be ok and then 5 days later he needs a break and cuts me off. He took my pics down from his mysapce page can moved me off his front page. At home he would never do something like that. He is so loyal and loving so I am not sure how to get him to come back around to himself or to open up....I write him all the time and say I am here for you. I love and miss you. He reads them and doesnt reply but when I leave him love comments he leaves them up and doesnt delete them. It all is confusing for me. Do you have any insight on what may have happened and why he would so suddenly need to cut me off and all he could say is he needs to think about what he wants to do with the rest of his life when a few weeks before we were on the same exact page. Please help if you can. I have done so much to stand by him and so I have been sick for 6 wks now not knowing what to do. We were so in love and have known each other since we were teenagers in school.
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi,

    My advice is the same as already given.... there is not way to say whether he has PTSD or not. He could have endured something that has shaken him, who knows. You have to ask him and speak with him. If he is acting out of character, then you need to have him address it, as only he can help himself. Nothing you do will help him. I know that is tough, but it is fact. Nothing you do or say will change anything in his mind at this time. He needs to help himself first, and unfortunately you are a casualty of all this.
     
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