mylunareclipse
MyPTSD Pro
I have a weird problem that is causing me a lot of distress, particularly in therapy.
I am very self critical in general and because of what happened in my life in the last few years on the job as well as my family, I believe that I am truly a burden and a bad person. I didn't used to always feel this way. The last few years at work I was literally psychologically abused, called names, put down, given extra work, yelled at, and especially called a mean bad person as well as sensitive. I ended up having a mental breakdown, which started my recovery in a way because I then seeked therapy. Now I know that my work situation is not the main issue why I have been depressed since I was 11. When I first seeked therapy I saw someone for two sessions only and when I tried to explain my work situation she said: oh you cannot handle criticism?. And because of all this other stuff she said in two sessions i.e. People in war don't get depressed, I have seen hundreds like you that's why I know what medicine to prescribe five min after seeing you etc. I decided not to go back.
I started with the current therapist I have seen for two years now. But needless to say my trust in therapist was shattered and I don't think I have been able to regain it back.
Anyhow despite lack of trust we have been able to do some good work to a certain extent with my therapist. The problem I have however is that when I describe things in my life with my parents or my co workers she tried to help me I guess by making comments such as: you have black and white thinking, you are rigid in your thinking, you have emotional reactivity, you punish yourself etc.
I think she tries to help me with pointing out these patterns. But all I hear is you re bad, you're bad. Your family and coworkers were right you are just a sensitive and bad person. I then use all of these suggestions from therapy to torture myself during the week and sob thinking about what a bad person I am and how I have been a burden in everyone's life. And if I didn't have these faulty patterns then maybe I would have been loved and maybe people would have liked me. I tried to talk to my therapist about this but I don't think we reached a conclusion about how to help me.
I just feel really helpless. I feel like a monster. And instead of starting to feel better I end up feeling worse. Anyone else deals with this or has any advice?
I am very self critical in general and because of what happened in my life in the last few years on the job as well as my family, I believe that I am truly a burden and a bad person. I didn't used to always feel this way. The last few years at work I was literally psychologically abused, called names, put down, given extra work, yelled at, and especially called a mean bad person as well as sensitive. I ended up having a mental breakdown, which started my recovery in a way because I then seeked therapy. Now I know that my work situation is not the main issue why I have been depressed since I was 11. When I first seeked therapy I saw someone for two sessions only and when I tried to explain my work situation she said: oh you cannot handle criticism?. And because of all this other stuff she said in two sessions i.e. People in war don't get depressed, I have seen hundreds like you that's why I know what medicine to prescribe five min after seeing you etc. I decided not to go back.
I started with the current therapist I have seen for two years now. But needless to say my trust in therapist was shattered and I don't think I have been able to regain it back.
Anyhow despite lack of trust we have been able to do some good work to a certain extent with my therapist. The problem I have however is that when I describe things in my life with my parents or my co workers she tried to help me I guess by making comments such as: you have black and white thinking, you are rigid in your thinking, you have emotional reactivity, you punish yourself etc.
I think she tries to help me with pointing out these patterns. But all I hear is you re bad, you're bad. Your family and coworkers were right you are just a sensitive and bad person. I then use all of these suggestions from therapy to torture myself during the week and sob thinking about what a bad person I am and how I have been a burden in everyone's life. And if I didn't have these faulty patterns then maybe I would have been loved and maybe people would have liked me. I tried to talk to my therapist about this but I don't think we reached a conclusion about how to help me.
I just feel really helpless. I feel like a monster. And instead of starting to feel better I end up feeling worse. Anyone else deals with this or has any advice?