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Using The Thoughts Of Trauma As Self-harm

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cedum

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One of the criteria for PTSD involves actual or preferred avoidance of circumstances resembling or associated with the stressor. I can really relate to it, and it constitutes a great problem for me, since one of my stressors is psychiatric care, from whom I need help.

But I've also realized that I use the memories of my trauma as a way of either coping or harming myself, when life is too overwhelming. It's like the thought of what really has happened, in combination with what could happen if I have to seek help again, is a mental wound I can't stop picking at. When I go to bed, my thoughts often wander to places where I've been totally exposed, and of course this affects my dreams and lead to night mares. I don't really understand how these things can exist at once: both the complete terror for everything associated with the trauma, and the inability to stop thinking about it.

Does anyone recognize this? Any thoughts?
 
Yeah... it's a thinking behavior... I just responded to another member about it and it was one that was something that I experienced. Compulsive overthinking. I put up a Wiki-How link... don't think they'll mind if I put it up for you here: "How to Survive Overthinking in 12 Steps" http://www.wikihow.com/Survive-Overthinking

Anthony also has articles on thinking patterns. I'll see if I can dig one up?

Added in edit, try this: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/unhelpful-thinking-styles.13778/#post-174045
 
I don't think about my trauma much at all. But through my life I've done a good amount of reenacting (which to me seems equally confusing). But probably both are different manifestations of the attempts to organize a disorganized experience, understand it, or gain mastery.

Trying not to think about it maybe doesn't help much, right? (pink elephant?). But I'm wondering, have you ever tried creating in your mind or imagining a different outcome? Like someone comes in to save you? Then you finish the scene/thought, perhaps, so it stops playing in a stuck way relentlessly. ?? This is something my therapist suggested once when nightmare content was disturbing me even into the day for a while, or when I was having images of being trapped and couldn't get out of that. Just some ideas.
 
I've done similar in that I've gone through phases of reading (almost compulsively) about Csa and its effects.

I've recognized now that sounds want information to do this is a warning that my mood/coping is dropping.

From your post I think the issue is mostly around the impact to your sleep. Maybe decided that you no longer want to think when you are in bed. When you find yourself thinking about it, try distraction or other things to help. You'll need a list of alternative things to think about.

When I tried to stop a particular group of thoughts I started with trying to stop/change them for just 5 seconds. It took a long time, but I have control over those thoughts now.
 
I don't really understand how these things can exist at once: both the complete terror for everything associated with the trauma, and the inability to stop thinking about it.

Something i learned in the early pages of the DMT workbook i just got yesterday (cant quote it as i dont have it with me now) but do this; close your eyes, think about your favorite cartoon character (bugs bunny, mickey mouse, a super hero etc); really imagine every detail, what they look like, what color, what are they wearing or not, fur? What color or texture? Really get the imagine sharp a clear. Once you have it:

Now try not to think about it, at all. Its impossible. Your brain keeps putting small images and thoughts of it no matter how you try hard to not think of it. Actually the harder you try, the more your brain will think of it. Its the same for our feelings, thoughts, trauma etc. Its very possible to fear your trauma, hate your trauma, etc but once you do that you are thinking of it and you wont be able to stop. Thus why you shouldnt deny feelings & thoughts but learn how to better manage them or change them.

I have a very confusing feeling of my trauma. I hate it, i hate it was done to me, i hate what i was forced to do BUT i also find myself ALL OF THE TIME thinking good thoughts about it, even sexual thoughts and/or arrousal and then that makes me very angry/hatred of myself this i then need to 'punish'.

I find it all very confusing but im slowly learning of the mixed signals/emotions/thoughts/teachings on how to behave etc within my trauma that causes this and thus can take one, figure out it wasnt acctually 'good', learn what is better or proper or correct and then do my best to change that in my life.

Not sure if that helps or even if thats what you are talking about. CBT & DMT seems to be working good for this by the way. :hug:
 
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