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Veteran - My Anger is a Sign

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Remnarc, Oct 5, 2006.

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  1. Remnarc

    Remnarc Member

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    Hello.

    Not sure where to really start, how about a name? My name is Gregg. As the title states I am a Veteran. When I came home we received the usual briefings about how to conform back to life in the states. They touched on so many subjects in such a short time that they really didn’t delve too far into any one area. Most of us were just alleviated knowing that our tour was over and that we could start back on our civilian lives. I have been back for almost a year now and have been getting progressively worse with my anger and general social skills. I have spent 12 years on active duty status with the Army. I had a 2 year break in service and then joined the National Guard. After about 6 months of NG status my battalion got deployment orders to Iraq. We were deployed for 16 months. I work as a federal employee at FT Dix NJ and wear an Army uniform. My Federal job is actually tied to my status in the NG and as such I have a civilian ID and a military ID. We just wear the uniforms to save money on buying outfits for our work environment.

    I fly off the handle at pretty much anything revolving around idiocy. That could involve things life threatening as cutting me off on the road or as little as having a cashier roll their eyes at me. I have these surreal visions of doing harm to the person that usually sets me off. What scares me the most is that these visions are things that I know I am capable of doing. At first I just marked them up to combat experiences, but recently these visions have involved my wife. The pathetic part of this is one of the times it was just over an argument on one of her pillows she uses to prop up her legs in bed. More often then not I just blast the person about common decency and respect, with several colorful metaphors. My work environment is not an issue, the only thing I can think of about that is a pavlovian response mechanism of military customs and courtesies. I still have the images of course but I don’t rant and rave in their face when they are acting like an ass. Groups of people tend to piss me off. Not that they are doing anything wrong but I feel compelled to roll up in there and disperse them and send them on their ways. My wife has banded me from going shopping with her, at least once every trip I would spout off at someone for standing in the middle of the isle along side their cart blocking the path. God help someone if they gave either me or my wife or son a dirty look. At that point in time I would just riddle them with insults about a flaw they could of possibly had I.E messy appearance = jobless bum or thief, blemish or other unusual visual mark, would receive the disgusting pig remark.

    I have sought private help with this. I have a buddy that works with me here in Ft. Dix and his days are numbered. He and I spent the whole time deployed together. The only difference is he started having the effects a lot sooner and went the VA route. A lot of good that did him! They are now discharging him from the NG, and for that he is going to lose his federal job. Like I said before, our jobs are tied and we cannot hold one position without the other one. This is probably the biggest reason that I have procrastinated; it is a F’ING shame that I have to pay out of pocket to try and fix something that is broke that I am not responsible for.

    Well that is quick view of me, rather a sour and ignorant man for the age of 33. I don’t want to become a bell tower sniper nor do I want to be that old crusty man that is completely antisocial. I just need a place where I can talk to people and express my views and reactions without being told that I did the wrong thing. I still know right from wrong, I just have a hard time trying to slow my response time with negative comments.

    Gregg.
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Welcome to the board, Gregg! I am sure you will find plenty of people who can relate to how you feel and the negative though patterns, like me! Spend some time around us and there are many on here who can help guide you in the right direction and are a lot of help.
     
  4. scarlette_crimson

    scarlette_crimson Active Member

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    Hi gregg

    I think it is so normal to want to sometimes attack people.I shop on line it 's more peacfull.I think groups of people trigger us becuse something about them makes us think there so stupid they have not gone through anything.Why are they evemn in my face.Or some times the voices blend together so much it'slike balking chickens and if it was chickens nagging you you would kick them out of your way.I use to black out a lot in public that was my way of dealing I guess.It use to make me so angery that people coul tell that I was going through somthing so they would stare harder.Even when I had not blacked out.Really why should we have to deal with throngs when we have not even taken care of ourselfs.Whats worse for you is you have to work so you don't get time to deal unless there is times in your day that you don't have to do anything.I had to quit my job becuse I was very out of it and even now I could put people in danger. I use to beat the living sheet out of a proped up dumbie taht way the rest of the day I felt like nanana I feel good .better then all the shaking allthe time or wanting to hit some one else.My brother taught me to do that.He lives on the streets.I use to think I was the only one that felt like crowds were stupi.People were stupid.Some people did not even have the right to be in my air becuse they were whimps and there was no way in hell they would have survived what I did.:rofl: talk about me being full of crap.
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Gregg, welcome to the forum. Yep... it all sounds too familiar. Let me take a guess at this one. You could relate yourself to basically being two people, in that when you go into work, you change... you conform to what you have thrown yourself at 110%, being the military. When you leave work, you then have all this spent up frustration about why you feeling the way you do, which then comes out as anger.

    The reason your fine at work, is because if you have the same ethics I did towards my employment within the military, I conformed when I walked through the gates or had the uniform on, because I gave my 110% to the job. The job means also the rules, thus we conform. When we go home though, who is the person/s in the direct firing line of our daily frustration? Our family, specifically partners, and often children will wear the brunt also.

    The private counselling your getting yourself, did they tell you they think you have PTSD? Hence why your here?

    I can tell you how to help yourself with the quick comments, though this takes some practice to get used too, though will not always be effective when your PTSD gets worse, and is currently uncontrolled and slowly spiraling worse. When someone says something that immediately pisses you off, gets under your skin, etc... you have to really focus on stopping. Don't open your mouth, don't allow your immediate response your brain produces to come out. It is hard, I know it myself. Wait 10 seconds, which allows your brain to actually calculate the more appropriate response, then answer. Some people may look at you, as 10 seconds is a long time, but you only need to use it when what is said too you gives you that immediate thought or has provoked anger / hostility within you. It works, but it takes practice.
     
  6. Remnarc

    Remnarc Member

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    No official diagnostics have been done yet. I have mostly been trying to get help through my friend. It is just recently that I have scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist. However, I know that I have to talk to someone and seeing as the earliest I can get my appointment was next month I did research on the web and found your forums.

    I should of made that more clear. :crazy-blu

    Gregg
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Mate, just from what you have outlined, I think you just might have PTSD... Possibly you think this also, as your friend has been diagnosed with it, and your actions are replicating his no doubt... all too familiar.

    I did the same thing initially actually, where I went private counselling so the military here wouldn't find out, though I ended up having to inform them because it got so bad I was going to end up killing someone for sure.
     
  8. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Welcome Gregg. I can't imagine the stress you are under to maintain your job and get help all at the same time. It does seem quite unfair.

    I hope here, you can vent your frustrations and hopefully be on your way to recovery. Your wife is also welcome as we have a spouse forum.

    We're glad you've found us.
     
  9. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    welcome, Gregg, you made me think of my brother, he spells his name like you do. not very many do (two g's). There is a lot of help here, if you want it, and a lot of encouragement.
     
  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Welcome Rem!

    It sounds like your in the right place!

    Bec
     
  11. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Hi Rem, welcome to the family!

    I'm sorry you to hear about your suspected PTSD. It sucks. Period. Nothing more, nothing less. Just plain SUCKS.

    I can totally relate to the part where you talk about being able to hold it in at work and then losing it a home. I am the same way. It baffled me until I read Anthony's explanation to you, then it made complete sense. But, people at work know I have it and they are very good to me when I am having a rough time (I am a middle-school math teacher, dealing with 12-, 13-, and 14-yr-old know-it-alls all day long).

    Anthony's advice about counting to 10 is a great one. It does take time and practice, but if you work at it, it will work! It is a technique I use with my own kids, husband, co-workers, and students; if I didn't, I would've been fired a long time ago! Also, I try to think of somewhere else I'd rather be, a good place, a happy place while at the same time simmering down. It's worth a shot, but don't give up if it doesn't work the first time or second time or tenth time or even the hundredth time. You'll find it gets easier and more effective the more you practice it.

    Stick around; we'll help you as much as we can!
     
  12. Farmer

    Farmer Active Member

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    hi Rem

    That counting to 10 does help, I wish people who did'nt have PTSD would do it more often to.
     
  13. Miander

    Miander Active Member

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    Damn that's wrong!

    Gregg - I am so frustrated that you have to pay for your help, after serving our country for over 14 years! That is just wrong! I do have to say that I am glad you are getting help now, I am sure that you will find a lot of help here too, and it's free!
     
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