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Sufferer Veteran with ptsd, looking for support

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Roy

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Hello everyone. I'm Roy. I served in the military in the past. I won't say the branch, and I won't go into detail. But I was given some questionable orders. As a result I did some questionable things. I've never gotten past it. I fake it pretty well, but I've never really been comfortable with myself since then.

I do everything I can to make up for it and that helps temporarily. But I have a lot of regrets about it. A lot of guilt.

There are several other things that bother me, relating to it... I don't like guns and fire, for instance. They don't necessarily make me panic, but they... shut me down, so to speak. It's like I stop being aware of my surroundings and I just get lost in reminders and memories. It can be hard to pull myself out of it, and it can leave me in a haze for the rest of the day, easily.

One of the worst things is the only other vets I spend time with these days weren't there, and they've never been in a combat situation. And they think they get it... but they don't. Some of them are gamers, too, and joke a lot about guns and shooting. I don't find it funny. They never understand.

I think my biggest problem is how isolated I am... so that's why I joined here. It always feels like I'm alone in this. That there couldn't possibly be anyone who understands. And that makes me feel hopeless.

And no, I can't get a therapist, so please don't tell me to. There are several reasons that I won't get into. I just wanted to find other people who have been there. I just wanted to be around others like me, people who have an idea what it's like, and not just someone else offering their pity. I might not add a lot to most conversations, but I'll try to post where I have a useful thought.

I just can't talk about what happened, I can't bring myself to, it feels like it would be a violation of the event to speak of it specifically. And I'm very emotionally numb... I haven't been able to cry since then. That troubled me at first but I've come to accept it as just another part of me over time.

It's hard to get up enough of any feeling to really care about something. I know when I was younger I would have loved to have a girlfriend but now I just don't care, like the need isn't there anymore. I don't really enjoy anything. I don't really do anything for pleasure. I just do the daily grind to survive.

I'm sorry this has been so long. And I'm sorry if it sounds like whining. I just felt like I should talk to someone, if I ever want to be who I was before then. I don't know if I'll ever really recover from that, I'd never disrespect it by forgetting about it. But maybe being around others would at least help. So thanks for letting me join.
 
Roy thanks for reaching out. I stopped trying to reach out sometimes because no one seems to get me. Being married with kids forces me to interact but I do it in doses. I have to find my own space and recenter myself. Going through EMDR therapy at the VA helped to reconcile some things. Recently I started researching the effects of Mefloquine and how the symptoms mimic or could be related to PTSD. I took Mefliquine for 7 years. The Brits/ Canadian’s are going through the same problems. I know you said therapy is a no-go and I totally understand. I joined a veterans motorcycle association and I hunt and fish. I try to get involved in WWP events. Interact with fellow vets. Some will piss you off but you may find a good Ranger Buddy
 
Welcome to the club!

Have you checked out the vet centers? Not really affiliated with the VA - you can get counseling or not, but it may put you with people who are having the same struggles you are. Sometimes just realizing you are not alone is the huge first step

I'm doing the EMDR thing with the VA - its nice because you don't have to talk if you dont want to and it helps you reshape how you think about things. And if you do later decide you want to do therapy know that you don't have to talk about what happened. At first it can be just about learning to feel again, then coming to terms with what happened, then regaining your life. Important note: being here, reaching out, getting better --- won't stop you from respecting the memories. You wont lose them. You can learn to be at peace with them and still respect them

And in the meantime, hang out with us. If you are looking for a bunch of messed up peeps to help you see its not just you...here we are! :)
 
Hi and welcome Roy.
I glad you were able to find us now maybe you won't feel so all alone in this. I'm not a vet so I can not imagine what you have been through. There are lots of others who are vets. One thing that I have found with this site is we all have our separate varied stories that brought us to PTSD but are symptoms similar we suffer the same. It was nice to meet you in chat I hope you find the answers you need.

Peace be safe
 
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@Freida Thank you. I haven't tried a vet center, I haven't been around other soldiers who were deployed since I came back, and I don't really want to be around others like me in person again. I guess I'm worried it will make it too real again. It's easier online, where I can be anonymous. Maybe I'm also worried I'll be tempted to talk about it in detail if it's face-to-face, with people who would get it. But I can't talk about it. Understand no one but my platoon knows what happened. It's not something we can talk about. That's not just out of respect, if you understand. I haven't seen or heard from any of them since we got back, either. We have a kind of... eh, special relationship because of what we went through together. But I guess we're all just as scared to get back together. It would make it too fresh. I guess we should just consider ourselves lucky we all survived, though. About therapy, I actually would have liked to try it at some point, and it's not that I don't want a therapist, but that I can't have a therapist. Does that make sense?
Important note: being here, reaching out, getting better --- won't stop you from respecting the memories. You wont lose them. You can learn to be at peace with them and still respect them
Thank you for this. Some people know just the right thing to say, you know?

@Esterio Thanks. It was nice talking to you in chat, too. I hope we get to chat again sometime.

As a random note, not really to anyone in particular... just finding this place has already really helped. Finding others on the same wavelength has shifted something in me. I saw my Mother this morning and she remarked I had this quiet smile, hahah. Very unlike me. So thanks to everyone for that.
 
Welcome to the forums!

About therapy, I actually would have liked to try it at some point, and it's not that I don't want a therapist, but that I can't have a therapist.
There are lots of barriers someone can run into when seeking therapy - some internal and some external. Are you concerned about confidentiality, judgement from the therapist, or that the feelings from it being all too real will be overwhelming?
 
Are you concerned about confidentiality, judgement from the therapist, or that the feelings from it being all too real will be overwhelming?
I'm fairly certain I'm not allowed to say this, so I'll say I'm glad I can be anonymous here. I'm under orders. I can't go into further detail than that. Thanks for your concern anyway.
When I say I can't bring myself to talk about the event, I mean to the other people who were there. Otherwise, when I say I can't talk about it in detail to anyone, I mean I can't. Part of that is not talking to a therapist. And yeah... I'm sure having to keep it secret has probably messed me up more than it would have otherwise. But what can you do.
 
Welcome to the forum! It's been my experience that it helps a lot to be able to talk to other people who get how your mind works, even if they come from different experiences. I hope it helps you too.
when I say I can't talk about it in detail to anyone, I mean I can't. Part of that is not talking to a therapist
That's a lot for someone to ask of you. It's really not fair, and that's the best thing I can say about it.
 
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