Hello everyone. I'm Roy. I served in the military in the past. I won't say the branch, and I won't go into detail. But I was given some questionable orders. As a result I did some questionable things. I've never gotten past it. I fake it pretty well, but I've never really been comfortable with myself since then.
I do everything I can to make up for it and that helps temporarily. But I have a lot of regrets about it. A lot of guilt.
There are several other things that bother me, relating to it... I don't like guns and fire, for instance. They don't necessarily make me panic, but they... shut me down, so to speak. It's like I stop being aware of my surroundings and I just get lost in reminders and memories. It can be hard to pull myself out of it, and it can leave me in a haze for the rest of the day, easily.
One of the worst things is the only other vets I spend time with these days weren't there, and they've never been in a combat situation. And they think they get it... but they don't. Some of them are gamers, too, and joke a lot about guns and shooting. I don't find it funny. They never understand.
I think my biggest problem is how isolated I am... so that's why I joined here. It always feels like I'm alone in this. That there couldn't possibly be anyone who understands. And that makes me feel hopeless.
And no, I can't get a therapist, so please don't tell me to. There are several reasons that I won't get into. I just wanted to find other people who have been there. I just wanted to be around others like me, people who have an idea what it's like, and not just someone else offering their pity. I might not add a lot to most conversations, but I'll try to post where I have a useful thought.
I just can't talk about what happened, I can't bring myself to, it feels like it would be a violation of the event to speak of it specifically. And I'm very emotionally numb... I haven't been able to cry since then. That troubled me at first but I've come to accept it as just another part of me over time.
It's hard to get up enough of any feeling to really care about something. I know when I was younger I would have loved to have a girlfriend but now I just don't care, like the need isn't there anymore. I don't really enjoy anything. I don't really do anything for pleasure. I just do the daily grind to survive.
I'm sorry this has been so long. And I'm sorry if it sounds like whining. I just felt like I should talk to someone, if I ever want to be who I was before then. I don't know if I'll ever really recover from that, I'd never disrespect it by forgetting about it. But maybe being around others would at least help. So thanks for letting me join.
I do everything I can to make up for it and that helps temporarily. But I have a lot of regrets about it. A lot of guilt.
There are several other things that bother me, relating to it... I don't like guns and fire, for instance. They don't necessarily make me panic, but they... shut me down, so to speak. It's like I stop being aware of my surroundings and I just get lost in reminders and memories. It can be hard to pull myself out of it, and it can leave me in a haze for the rest of the day, easily.
One of the worst things is the only other vets I spend time with these days weren't there, and they've never been in a combat situation. And they think they get it... but they don't. Some of them are gamers, too, and joke a lot about guns and shooting. I don't find it funny. They never understand.
I think my biggest problem is how isolated I am... so that's why I joined here. It always feels like I'm alone in this. That there couldn't possibly be anyone who understands. And that makes me feel hopeless.
And no, I can't get a therapist, so please don't tell me to. There are several reasons that I won't get into. I just wanted to find other people who have been there. I just wanted to be around others like me, people who have an idea what it's like, and not just someone else offering their pity. I might not add a lot to most conversations, but I'll try to post where I have a useful thought.
I just can't talk about what happened, I can't bring myself to, it feels like it would be a violation of the event to speak of it specifically. And I'm very emotionally numb... I haven't been able to cry since then. That troubled me at first but I've come to accept it as just another part of me over time.
It's hard to get up enough of any feeling to really care about something. I know when I was younger I would have loved to have a girlfriend but now I just don't care, like the need isn't there anymore. I don't really enjoy anything. I don't really do anything for pleasure. I just do the daily grind to survive.
I'm sorry this has been so long. And I'm sorry if it sounds like whining. I just felt like I should talk to someone, if I ever want to be who I was before then. I don't know if I'll ever really recover from that, I'd never disrespect it by forgetting about it. But maybe being around others would at least help. So thanks for letting me join.