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Sufferer Veteran with ptsd

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RCD_VET

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Good day!
I find it really hard to talk at ALL about PTSD. In the last year I have discovered that I suffer from PTSD and have for years. There was an incident while serving as an armoured crewman that has forever changed my life. I didn't feel it was "severe enough" to make me have PTSD and figured it was all just bad memories. Life happens and the many times of soldiering on makes you feel you just need to take it and move on.

I'm beginning my journey to seek some help and have found this site to be a great resource. It is time to come out of the shadows. Not medically diagnosed as having PTSD yet but from going through the VA page on PTSD it's not possible that diagnosis won't happen. :( As you can likely tell, avoidance is a huge problem for me but one of my biggest challenges is that it's been so many years and this last 1.5 years have probably been the worst. It feels like I'm falling apart. Why can't I keep it together like I have for so long? The challenge of being able to soldier on by yourself for so long....
 
MyPTSD has a section for Military related issues... where you can talk to others that really get what you are going thru...
I appreciate that you 'came out of the shadows' even people who don't have military related PTSD feel deep shame for not being able to 'control' what is going on... you are not alone. This is a very hard journey. We don't know why things go ok, then our world falls apart. I have had PTSD my whole life... so to me is 'normal'....

I'm just glad you reached out. There is something to be said for being with a group of people who understand what you are feeling and why we act the way we do at times.... so hoping you check out the Military thread and see if you relate more there.... of course we are here for you also. Best of luck to you.
 
Why can't I keep it together like I have for so long?

Because PTSD will have It's acknowledgment with or without your cooperation. Stepping out of the shadows is huge so kudos for being brave! And yes the diagnosis sucks because we are taught to suck it up. But guess what? There are a ton of us out here with you. Sometimes we still hide in the shadows, but we are there. You are not alone
 
Good day!
I find it really hard to talk at ALL about PTSD. In the last year I have discovered that I su...
I understand 100. Took avreturee e7 neighbor to help me begin realizing what ptsd means to vets and how the VA works in regard to that. Are you a US vet? Not sure with the icon, but I can advise on my experience either way.

You need to simply tell your primary care physician your having issues related to your deployment. You can be vague or specific but ensure he understands it’s related to the war and not necessarily physically. They should refer you to mental health(MH) doc, which was hard to accept my first time!!! I actually went to a civilian doc my friend was seeing before I went to the VAs. That doc confirmed I had ptsd and wrote he a note that I then submitted to the VA compensation board and then it was official. I’ve had 3 MH DOCs because we’ve moved in the last six years, and they’re all different.

This is gonna suck, but I’d advise trying the meds they recommend. First one I tried worked, but I couldn’t deal with the side effects it had on my sex life. Second was the right one for me. It helped with anger, hyper awareness (still have it but it lowered the paranoia factor by like 10), and I could still perform!!!

So we know there’s a stigma around MH and I have one personally versus over medicating... however my first doc explained it well, combat related ptsd (I’m no expert on all of them just mine mind you) affects brain chemistry elevating it so you always in a state of readiness in case you have to respond to contact, death, the enemy, etc. the entire deployment were ready at a moments notice because were trained to be AND after that first “oh shit this is for real” moment you damn sure are... we come home and the brain chemistry is kinda stuck at the new level.

The meds help get it back to normalish’. Before the meds here’s my reason for getting them... I had my boy before deployment down range. I cried and felt incredible joy in my heart. Got back had my daughter and felt clinically detached the entire time... like “is she healthy? Good.” That and I had no emotions I could display that wasn’t being faked bc I knew it wa expected. The only thing that made me emotional was and is our national anthem and seeing reports of Soldiers coming home in caskets. Hell even war movies but he on edge... I understand you.
 
That and I had no emotions I could display that wasn’t being faked bc I knew it wa expected.

@MP7 Sometimes I think that's the worst part.....more than the hyper vigilance..more than the always looking over your shoulder..more than having your back against the wall. The constant strain of having to "act normal" is exhausting. Of course I say that just as my Ts are teaching me to feel again and that sucks too! Ugh.

you can likely tell, avoidance is a huge problem for me but one of my biggest challenges is that it's been so many years

@RCD_VET Your deserve help!. It took me a long time to get my head around that and I wasted a lot of years being ashamed I was such a loser for not being able to cope. It's a tough road but just keep putting one foot in front of the other.....
 
@MP7 Sometimes I think that's the worst part.....more than the hyper vigilance..more...
Man, @Freida your the first person to get that... that’s the reason I jumped on this forum. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and this was a last ditch effort, really out of options now 7 years out and while I’ve had episodes, I really felt like I was fraying... if that makes sense. At least here I’m just another commenter but I can get it off my chest and out of my head... HA! I’m almost normal here... how funny is that? I’d drink a beer if it wasn’t 9 in the morning!!!
 
At least here I’m just another commenter but I can get it off my chest and out of my head...

The anonymity is the best! I say things and ask questions here that I would NEVER say in the real world because here no one can use it against me. Plus this is the first place I've found where it's ok to be broken and people understand. My Ts are always after me to let down the facade that I'm ok....yea. Like that's gonna happen. Here people get that
 
I understand 100. Took avreturee e7 neighbor to help me begin realizing what ptsd means to vets and how the...

Hey there MP7. I'm a Canadian vet. I've started working with a Legion representative that helps work with the VA. Really funny that after I work up the nerve to email them their response says give me a phone call. LOL

You're right with the stigma on mental health. It's one thing that really bugged me when I first discovered I likely have PTSD. I felt more broken or messed up than before. It also brought relief as I learned some symptoms though. One thing that really bugs me is my inability to remember things around the event. Things like my crew commander's name. Who the victim was before the accident. All the real valuable, important things to remember. It really bothered me. Now I can blame it on the beast as I try to fill in the gaps in my memory.

It's been great floating around and seeing so many other people dealing with similar issues. The comments of how people just act normal to fit in. It feels like that at times. I have a very supportive wife though which is a great help.
 
Quote.........”One thing that really bugs me is my inability to remember things around the event. Things like my crew commander's name.”

I wonder if that is better for you in the long run, as mine come back in my nightmares, where I go through all events again, and they are so vivid in every detail. So bad,bthat when I wake up screaming and sweating, that it takes my brain a while to figure out where I am, and that can be worse than the nigtmare itself. Good luck, I hope things improve for you.
 
Hey. I don’t post much cuz many times the right words just don’t seem to flow when I write. But your posts resonate....(I’m a vet too, for what it’s worth) I’m frustrated I was able to hold it together so long until the ends frayed and it started creeping into life and I couldn’t keep it under wraps. Every day I feel just like some of you mentioned you feel....exhausted after working to “act normal” and fulfill expectations. It’s like you’re a fraud, cuz you carry all this turmoil around with you that they can’t see. Smile thru the discomfort of trying to be polite and friendly all the time. Constantly doing your absolute best to remain in control cuz you’ve seen chaos.....I think this stuff applies to so many of us on the forum (not just combat related).

I also have memory blanks, but as I work on this, more of those blanks come into view. I’ve been lucky to not have regularly remembered dreams, but that has started as I journey thru....and unfortunately the majority are bad. RCD_Vet I hope you don’t experience the same.....but if you do, just know you’re not alone in many of the things that happen to us.

Oh and emotions.....damn. I forgot about those many moons ago and now I gotta learn. It SUCKS.

I still have a hard time even writing that 4 letter word....cuz of stigma and shame that is just the way many of us were trained/raised to think.....but, I have PTSD. There, said it.
 
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