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Vicious Cycle

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My husband and I are trying to work things out after he had an emotional affair with a female friend. Long story short, they never physically did anything that I know of, but he said to her that he thought of her as his soulmate, and would always love her and be in love with her. While I give a little leeway for his ptsd, he's still responsible for his choices. He's never volunteered any information to me, I have found out a lot of things on my own and then pry the details out of him. And now he wants to rekindle his friendship with her claiming things will not go as they did before, and promises to follow any restrictions I request. They had a falling out when he and I separated because he got drunk and embarrassed himself in front of her mother. So now he wants to patch things up between them. All I think is that I can't commit fully to our marriage because I can't trust his intentions. I think he wants to keep his friendship as a plan B because I've told him I don't know if things will work out between us. I think he won't tell all about what happened between them because of his loyalty to her. Another reason they had a falling out was because I wrote a letter to her and exposed some things I found out about their relationship. She assumed he violated her privacy, so I really think this is why he never volunteers any information, he doesn't want to hurt his friend by exposing their secrets. So we are stuck in a rotten cycle. I can't commit to someone I can't trust because he is still loyal to her confidences, and he won't committ himself to the marriage because I can't promise that things will work out. Any ideas on how to break this stalemate?
 
Your guy really needs to commit one way or the other. Thats the issue. From what you wrote I percieve his behaviour as profoundly egoistic and self centered. I have PTSD and I dont know why this would play any role in this, besides him being accustommed to getting away with things/getting his way.

I have been there once, and it took a big shock to wake me up and realize that having PTSD does not mean I cant be a spoiled, little prick.
 
I can't commit to someone I can't trust because he is still loyal to her confidences
You typed the answer yourself!

Regardless of PTSD he should consider your feelings, if he loves you and HE would and should walk away from this so-called friendship he has. The fact he wants to remain in contact with her says to me there is no boundaries in your relationship - whatsoever and he continues to keep abusing your trust, taking advantage of your willingness to work at the relationship. . .he isn't going to keep away from her unfortunately and like you said with what I have quoted here, you said, " I can't commit to someone I can't trust!"
Walk away and let go. I know this alternative is going to hurt you, but what other alternative do you have? Stick it out for him to continue to lie, abuse your trust and hurt you all over again?!
 
f*ck Him. Seriously. PTSD does not cause cheating, which is what he did... and now he has the nerve to want to continue contact with the chick he cheated with? Hell naw.

I'd tell him he can go be with her. The nerve!
 
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