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Wanna Get F#%*d Up!

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Chava

MyPTSD Pro
Therapist will be gone for a month. Our session ended weirdly because she had to pull me out of dissociation most of the time and we didn't get to talk about things I could work on while she's away. I just wasted a session curled into myself.

And I HATE current physical therapy. I have to go one more time just to decide if I want to quit or want to stay (like maybe I'll have the guts to ask more questions...like get out the creepy clinical room, stop touching me without telling me what your are doing, etc....I'd rather be in a gym.

I just took 2 ambien and am in no position to drive to the gas station for another pack of cigarettes. I picked gross stumps off the garage floor to smoke a bit.

I'd love Pilates lessons...they = empowering. But I can't afford them. So my therapist is gone, and insurance is paying for physical therapy I loath and am not making use of. I have no support. I'm just back in I-WANNA-GET-f*ckED-UP-LAND....where I don't have to care about any of this.
 
You will have the support of your T again in one month, at least you know that to keep you going. You have the support of people on this forum too.

Can you look into watching instructional videos on pilates? At least they would be free.

I don't know what ambien does for you, but it sounds like a good idea not to drive Chava. I wish you all the best in climbing out of the wanting to get messed up to feel relief. :hug: if you want one.
 
Sometimes a break in therapy can be a bit of a relief (not having to talk about trauma for a bit). And your therapist is coming back.

Has your therapist taught you grounding exercises or safe place visualisations? Anything like that you could practise while she's away. And of course you have here to come and talk 24/7.

Hope you're feeling better soon.
 
Thanks @rainy_daze and @Meadowsweet ....I quit physical therapy. I've totally dreaded every aspect of the new PT situation and today everything felt like too much. I could ask my doctor for a different recommendation later but I'm just taking that off my plate...will work on some stuff on my own. But I still want to numb out because all I have are bad feelings right now (that's common, but I also feel bad about how poorly this round of PT has been and feel stupid for not being able to tolerate it...and a little helpless and stuck, and all those other feelings I know I bring on myself but this PT situation was just making me feel worse and worse and worse). Just stuck in a familiar pattern of not being able to feel good feelings, but it would feel "good" to blot myself out or something. I'm angry this PT experience wasn't more positive. I went in open-minded but felt like I was just drowning right away...bad feelings right away. I feel so stupid though.

(sorry for the low class title, but that pretty much sums it up)
 
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Getting f*cked up is counterintuitive. Your body is already there, so I recommend you get out of that end of the pool! PT pretty much sucks for everyone in pain. Another healing procedure that feeds into the pain. Have you considered acupuncture? I think I remember you're not wanting that environment. But I mention it because when I was so sick after my chemical injury, I had zero money and the acupuncturist did me for free for a month. And it helped me feel better. I was always apprehensive but I was so desperate I stuck with it. It was my first experience with Eastern philosophy. Given the carnage that Christianity dealt me, it was a calming outlook.

Anyway, while your therapist is gone, you have us and hotlines to carry you through. So write away.
 
Getting f*cked up is counterintuitive. Your body is already there, so I recommend you get out of that end of the pool!

This is good perspective. Ha.:)

Acupuncture is sounding more possible after this (lots of super hands-on manipulation on a clinic table...omg I thought I was being open-minded but I was slowly seething with dread that I found I could not escape from). Just the wrong therapy for me. I wish I was not such a freak, but... :whistling:

Anyway, while your therapist is gone, you have us and hotlines to carry you through. So write away

Thank you. I'm also considering some new creative options for the coming month, whether I try sound/vibrational therapy or some other movement class. Just have to decide what I can afford.
 
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