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Wanting To Hurt Myself The Way I Was Hurt During Trauma

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Hashi

MyPTSD Pro
This isn't about self-harm. It's something different. I'm not actually doing anything physical, but I have urges to. What I want to do is what was done to me during a trauma that I'm talking about a little in therapy.

I especially want to punch myself repeatedly in the stomach, which was done to break my resistance at the beginning.

Something I am doing is getting crazy angry with myself and calling myself horrible things, which I was called by them. I really mean it when I say it.

I'm feeling abusive towards myself, and not in an indirect way like drinking but directly. It seems to be the things that were done to scare me into submission, and not other things. With me, everything seems to be about the fear in some way.

I wish it felt like processing but it doesn't. It feels like hatred and violence that I've internalised. Which is an awful thought and makes me feel controlled by them still. I don't know how to get it out and away from me. I'll talk to my therapist but wondered if anyone here has any thoughts or advice.
 
*huggles*

I sure can relate.

Dunno if I'm right (still trying to figure out all this pts stuff) but sounds like it could be a form of flashbacks. I struggled a lot with them after therapy sessions. Talk to your therapist & see if they can help you develop your use of grounding techniques. I've found them invaluable in stopping flashbacks/panic escalating. But at times all I can do is ride the wave and wait for it to pass.

Xxx
 
I think I can somewhat relate...

It's not unheard of for sexual abuse victims to want to re-enact their trauma during sex. I feel somewhat ashamed in saying this, but I am one of those people. What I crave the most is the same as how I was abused. Messed up, huh?
 
It's not unheard of for sexual abuse victims to want to re-enact their trauma during sex. I feel somewhat ashamed in saying this, but I am one of those people. What I crave the most is the same as how I was abused. Messed up, huh?

I don't think it's messed up. I did this while I still had amnesia about what had happened. My therapist said that subconsciously it was about trying to gain control over it, trying to make it like I had some control at the time by having control/choice now. I don't know if that makes sense, she said it better.

Hmmm. I wonder if what's happening now is along the same lines somehow? In my upside-down mind.

Ugh. It's hideous. I feel horrible telling my T, but I will.

Thank you both for your replies.
 
Sadly I do think this is fairly normal. I know that I tend to say things to and about myself that often mirror those things my father would say. Hell, I even use a favourite slanderous name he had for me as my user name here... and don't really know why.

As an adolescent, I did a lot of self harming that reflected ways in which he would abuse me, and sometimes still struggle with these urges. For whatever reason, I think it's just a sad way in which the trauma replays in our minds. I am reminded of a discussion we had at my trauma programme recently, where we talked about how we take the abuser into ourselves in so many ways and end up perpetuating the abuse they inflicted in a variety of different ways. There is so so much shame attached to that horrible phenomena, but a quote from an article that resonated with me is "The darkness inside of you isn't yours."

And it's true.

Maddog
 
My therapist said that subconsciously it was about trying to gain control over it, trying to make it like I had some control at the time by having control/choice now. I don't know if that makes sense, she said it better.

Funny, because I beg for it. Yes, I beg for it, but everyone is so reluctant. Geez, in a normal sexual relationship it's not kinky or dark or masochistic or anything like that. I guess I do want control over it?
 
I relate very much and it is horrific to me. Very confusing and shameful. I go from thinking I am just crazy, to disgusting, to it being a type of re experiencing, to it being an introjection, to it being some sort of re enactment. I don't get re enactments. What on earth is that about! :cry:
 
This is something I've experienced too often and at times I have hurt myself as other people have hurt me.

I don't know if it will work, but at the moment I'm doing some work to allow my inner child to come out. And when I feel like hurting myself, I remind my adult self of the little child inside - and I find I can't hurt myself if I think of myself as a child.

It's difficult for me to explain here, I'm sorry if I've not made any sense.
 
"The darkness inside of you isn't yours."

Yes, I also like this very much. I read an article once called "Take back what doesn't belong to me", after the Sinead O'Connor song. I thought the article was problematic in some ways, but it did resonate that in acts of violence and violation against us, the perpetrator's unconscious aim is to transfer their own, unbearable negative feelings about themselves onto us. It makes it harder to think that when the things coming up are those that were designed to frighten me into obeying. Perhaps this is about projecting feelings of powerlessness?

Abstract, I'm sorry you also experience something like this. It really is horrific. If we mean the same thing by re-enactments then I think they're processing of some kind. But this feels more like a deep part of me emerging, as if I've been forever changed by them. I have to hope I'm wrong.

Meadowsweet, I'm glad you've found something to help. Personally, I don't relate to inner child work. However, this trauma was as a young adult and I can connect to her. You've given me something to think about. Thank you.

I'm grateful to everyone for sharing about something so difficult. It's helping me to think this through.
 
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