This isn't about self-harm. It's something different. I'm not actually doing anything physical, but I have urges to. What I want to do is what was done to me during a trauma that I'm talking about a little in therapy.
I especially want to punch myself repeatedly in the stomach, which was done to break my resistance at the beginning.
Something I am doing is getting crazy angry with myself and calling myself horrible things, which I was called by them. I really mean it when I say it.
I'm feeling abusive towards myself, and not in an indirect way like drinking but directly. It seems to be the things that were done to scare me into submission, and not other things. With me, everything seems to be about the fear in some way.
I wish it felt like processing but it doesn't. It feels like hatred and violence that I've internalised. Which is an awful thought and makes me feel controlled by them still. I don't know how to get it out and away from me. I'll talk to my therapist but wondered if anyone here has any thoughts or advice.
I especially want to punch myself repeatedly in the stomach, which was done to break my resistance at the beginning.
Something I am doing is getting crazy angry with myself and calling myself horrible things, which I was called by them. I really mean it when I say it.
I'm feeling abusive towards myself, and not in an indirect way like drinking but directly. It seems to be the things that were done to scare me into submission, and not other things. With me, everything seems to be about the fear in some way.
I wish it felt like processing but it doesn't. It feels like hatred and violence that I've internalised. Which is an awful thought and makes me feel controlled by them still. I don't know how to get it out and away from me. I'll talk to my therapist but wondered if anyone here has any thoughts or advice.