barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
I've been going to therapy for almost three years. I have shared trauma events with my therapist and we have held that as a context of the work. Most of the time, we have worked on here and now stressors (that may or may not be directly related to old trauma) and managing current symptoms/spikes etc.
Whenever we have attempted to do "the deeper work" around trauma, my defences massively kick in and I tend to dissociate. So, it always leaves me stuck - I think I want to do it, so I try to do it, then loads of resistance shows up and I just can't keep my head in the room. So...we haven't directly "gone there" for quite a while, which has been frustrating for me but I have been trying not to give myself a hard time about it.
Anyway - there have recently been signs that things are shifting and my therapist agrees that I have made some significant progress (esp around tapping into old feelings, feeling the feelings and not dissociating).
My therapist has said that something has clearly "been evoked" and that that's something we can work with/on together and that it's huge progress that I am feeling things and not dissociating. We both seem to think this is a promising window of opportunity. When I then asked "So, what's next, how do we do that?" (i.e. how do we "do the work") she smiled patiently and said "Well...let's just see...let's see whatever comes up and then we'll follow it..."
The old trauma stuff is now...calling to me...? It feels like it's jumping up and down, waving at me, shouting my name and trying to get my attention.
So...it has got my attention...but now I don't really know what to do with it! I feel like I want to focus my session times on working on some specific historical stuff. But I don't actually know what to say. I feel like I want to talk about it. But I don't know what to say about it.
Does that make sense?!
I don't know what "doing the deeper work" around it really means or looks like.
Any thoughts on where I go with this? Or should I just tell my therapist something like I've just written (e.g. "I feel like the old doctor stuff is calling to me and wanting attention and I feel like I want to talk about it but I don't know what to say...") and hope my therapist takes charge a bit? Though I'm not sure that she will after she said "let's just wait and see..."
I'm going to therapy fortnightly now - would much prefer weekly but it's for financial reasons - so I really want to make each session count and it feels like I'm on the cusp of something really significant and that this has been the most promising opportunity we've had for months. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself. I'm genuinely feeling like this feels like the right time - and that I'm in the right headspace - to dig into this topic again. I just don't know where to start. And I don't want that to stop me doing it because I suspect my therapist will wait for me to start bringing stuff up instead of trying to lead it herself. What exactly am I meant to bring up?!
Trying not to overthink this. I really do feel a strong desire to talk about it. But, what to say, what to say... Sounds stupid because it feels like, if I really want to talk about it that much, I should surely know what it is that I want to express...? But I don't. Or, do I and I am somehow missing something?!
I have a session tomorrow and am not sure how to make the best use of it.
Any thoughts much appreciated!
Whenever we have attempted to do "the deeper work" around trauma, my defences massively kick in and I tend to dissociate. So, it always leaves me stuck - I think I want to do it, so I try to do it, then loads of resistance shows up and I just can't keep my head in the room. So...we haven't directly "gone there" for quite a while, which has been frustrating for me but I have been trying not to give myself a hard time about it.
Anyway - there have recently been signs that things are shifting and my therapist agrees that I have made some significant progress (esp around tapping into old feelings, feeling the feelings and not dissociating).
My therapist has said that something has clearly "been evoked" and that that's something we can work with/on together and that it's huge progress that I am feeling things and not dissociating. We both seem to think this is a promising window of opportunity. When I then asked "So, what's next, how do we do that?" (i.e. how do we "do the work") she smiled patiently and said "Well...let's just see...let's see whatever comes up and then we'll follow it..."
The old trauma stuff is now...calling to me...? It feels like it's jumping up and down, waving at me, shouting my name and trying to get my attention.
So...it has got my attention...but now I don't really know what to do with it! I feel like I want to focus my session times on working on some specific historical stuff. But I don't actually know what to say. I feel like I want to talk about it. But I don't know what to say about it.
Does that make sense?!
I don't know what "doing the deeper work" around it really means or looks like.
Any thoughts on where I go with this? Or should I just tell my therapist something like I've just written (e.g. "I feel like the old doctor stuff is calling to me and wanting attention and I feel like I want to talk about it but I don't know what to say...") and hope my therapist takes charge a bit? Though I'm not sure that she will after she said "let's just wait and see..."
I'm going to therapy fortnightly now - would much prefer weekly but it's for financial reasons - so I really want to make each session count and it feels like I'm on the cusp of something really significant and that this has been the most promising opportunity we've had for months. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself. I'm genuinely feeling like this feels like the right time - and that I'm in the right headspace - to dig into this topic again. I just don't know where to start. And I don't want that to stop me doing it because I suspect my therapist will wait for me to start bringing stuff up instead of trying to lead it herself. What exactly am I meant to bring up?!
Trying not to overthink this. I really do feel a strong desire to talk about it. But, what to say, what to say... Sounds stupid because it feels like, if I really want to talk about it that much, I should surely know what it is that I want to express...? But I don't. Or, do I and I am somehow missing something?!
I have a session tomorrow and am not sure how to make the best use of it.
Any thoughts much appreciated!