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Sexual Assault Was i assaulted? why do i now struggle with intimacy?

  • Thread starter ConfusedFrustration
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ConfusedFrustration

I had a male friend who was much older than me (I was 22 at the time, he was 55). We met online through common interests and a mutual friend. We talked for a good year or so, nothing flirty, usually about movies, news in the world, general things and we always had a good laugh. I was meeting up with a group of friends in NYC, which is where this guy lived, so I figured I could fly out a day earlier than my friends and hang out with this guy in person. I know what you're thinking - that you should never meet people from online on your own. However, I knew people who knew this guy in real life and had no concerns that he was not who he said he was.

So we met up, and it was fine. We had coffee and dinner, talked a lot about our interests. Again, nothing I would consider flirty whatsoever. More like 'banter'. We ended up in a bar, had many beers then we decided to take a late night stroll around the city. As we walked, I vaguely remember him reaching to hold my hand. I was a little confused by it but figured "he's my friend, sure I'll hold his hand".

It eventually got very late (or early) and I told him I should go back to my hotel as I was meeting my friends in the morning. He said he would walk me back to the hotel, which I did not mind. After a mishap with my luggage on the flight over, my case was waiting for me at the reception. I tried to bid my friend goodnight but he offered to help bring my luggage to my room. I argued that I would manage fine but he insisted. So up we went. In the room we had a look around then I thanked him for his company all evening and said he should be getting home, which he agreed. I led him to the door, said goodbye and hugged him (I'm a hugger, we also hugged when we met), but as we parted he kissed me. I was taken aback and laughed nervously. We had both had a lot to drink and I thought that was all it was. I tried again to say goodbye and that he should go but he kissed me again. As I pushed him away I told him "I don't want this". I grew very nervous and told him he had to go. He smiled at me and leaned in to kiss me again but I backed away. At this point I think I said something along the lines of "please, I don't want to". I did not want to be impolite to this man, he was my friend after all. A few moments passed that I don't remember but the next thing is that he began unbuttoning my jacket. I held the two sides together and backed up as he tried to pull it down my shoulders. I pleaded again and told him this was not what I wanted. Then I could back up no further as the bed was behind me. As he leaned in to try and kiss me again I ended up sitting on the bed to try and avoid it. At this point I began to realise that he had no intentions of stopping. I believe I continued to argue only a little more, as I did not want to become aggressive or nasty. I could not try to leave because this was my hotel room. Where would I go on my own in the middle of the night in NYC? As he slowly pushed me to lie on the bed, I resisted but should have resisted more. My mind was hazy and I remember questioning whether the situation was even really happening. Lying there and seeing him looking down on me, I resigned myself to the fact that this was going to happen and I should just get it over with. I didn't put up much of a fight when he removed the rest of my clothes but I could not look at him. Panic set in when I realised I had no way of protecting myself. Also, I was a virgin and I had no idea what to expect. As I felt him penetrate me, I could only think about the pain and where I might have given the vibe that I wanted this. Did he plan this all along? How could I be so naïve? What if I got pregnant?

I decided that since I was unprotected, the safest option was anal sex. From there, I don't remember an awful lot more about that night. I think I eventually passed out. I woke up feeling sick, ashamed, shaky, angry, confused... He was still in my room, asleep in my bed. I brought my things to the bathroom and locked the door. As I showered, I cried. I wanted to scream. I didn't know what to do, what to say. As I got dressed, I heard him moving around. I thought he was getting his things together to leave but then it went still again. Wondering if he had left, I came out of the bathroom. Nope, still in the bed. He woke up and said good morning. I mumbled a response. He saw that I was getting ready to leave and began to get dressed. I told him I was going to be late to meet my friends and he complained that he had a headache. An awkward walk to the reception later, I said goodbye and he went to hug me. I returned a half-hearted hug then we parted ways.

My mind was all over the place. I should have been so excited to see my friends but I felt sick, some parts of me hurt and I did not feel like having company. I didn't know whether I should tell them what happened but when we were walking through the city, one of my friends said I was quiet. She asked how the previous evening had been and I could not respond. Do I lie? Do I miss out telling them how the night ended? I decided just to tell them a very brief version of events. I tried to laugh it off but in all honesty I did not find it funny. For my next few days in NYC I worried about being pregnant. I wondered whether he remembered what happened. That I tried to say no. I was more angry at myself than him for not fighting him more. Why did I give in? I felt used when I thought that all of our conversations had been leading me to that night. How did I not see it coming? I was stupid. I thought we were genuine friends who just enjoyed each others company. How could I be so stupid?

I haven't spoken to him since and he has not tried to make contact. That was over 5 years ago. When I left NYC I thought about it a lot. As time passed I thought about it less and tried to erase it from my memory. It made me angry and upset that my virginity was taken that night and I still refuse to accept that he was my 'first', but I thought I had gotten over it.

Now, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man whose personality compliments mine in almost every way. He tries every day to make me happy and would give me the world. At the beginning we had sex often. We were very affectionate and said we loved each other every day. We flirted by text when we were apart and could not wait til we could see each other again. After about 2 years, I began to lose interest in sex or intimacy. I obliged but wasn't really into it. Then occasionally I would start to refuse and he was very understanding that no meant no. I began refusing more and more until it reached a point where I did not want sex at all. As more time passed, I stopped letting him see me naked. I felt too vulnerable and insecure no matter how much he tried to reassure me that he thought I was perfect. Gradually, touch became an issue for me. I would push him away if his hand slid onto my ass or tried to cop a feel in any way. He never made me feel guilty or got angry. He has always been so patient and understanding. More recently I have developed an aversion to all advances whether it be a kiss, cuddle or hand holding. I want none of it whatsoever.
My thinking is that if I do any of those things, I get his hopes up for getting something more and I just can't. If he tries, or if I even think he's going to try, anxiety and panic sets in, I feel overwhelmed, stressed and angry and I lash out. The feeling of touch anywhere from my knee upwards makes my skin crawl and makes me want to curl into a ball to protect myself.

This long winded post brings me to the question: is this behaviour related to the experience I had in NYC? Am I having a very delayed response to being betrayed, as I see it, by somebody I thought was my friend? It is affecting my relationship and my partner as he feels I am repulsed by him. I want so much to be able to make him happy again. What do I do to make this better?
 
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