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Was i sexually abused by my mother?

Discussion in 'Childhood' started by Anon00, Nov 25, 2017.

  1. Anon00

    Anon00 Guest

    So I'm not particularly sure about how to start this, so I guess I'll start off by saying that I'm 21 and I'm female to male transgender (I was born female but been living as male since the age of 16). I know what I'm about to talk about is minute compared to what a lot of you have experienced, but I do believe it has affected me. I'll begin by giving you all a small backstory. My mother's always been a controlling woman when it comes to her kids, on the outside she likes to make it look as though she's doing a perfect job, but the reality's far from it. She's constantly held me back in life, stole from me, manipulated me and done anything to keep me from leaving her, thankfully a few months ago I managed to have the funds to move out, I'm still in contact with her, more so for the sake of my siblings. She is a single parent and always has been, she still lives with my two younger siblings (I won't divulge their age). So why do I think I was abused? I'll just explain a few situations which seem inappropriate when I look back. Firstly, when I was around 4/5??? She would make me stay in her bed and she would not let me use the toilet, I would be made to go into a bucket which she had at the side of the bed. Maybe she just didn't want me going to the toilet in the middle of the night but I don't know. There wasn't much more to that, but when I got around the ages of 10/11 she began speaking to me rather openly about sex, she'd tell me about the sex she'd had with men and she'd bring it up pretty much whenever she could. Now this is the part which bothers me the most, I was 12/13? (I'm not too clear on the ages) and she was talking to me about masturbation, she asked me if I knew how to do it and if I'd like her to show me how. I said no and that was it. But what if I'd said yes, would she have touched me? Masturbated in front of me? Around this time my mental health went downhill, I was getting bullied in school, I didn't know who I was, I started self harming and being suicidal, things which still affect me to this day which I will talk a bit more about later on. I also began being sexual with peers around this age, I would masturbate guys my age and perform oral sex on them. Another situation was when I was around 14, we would go to a family friends house regularly. My mums friends husband would often talk about masturbating and how he liked to perform anal on himself with sex toys and how good it felt, he even offered me one one day, right in front of my mum who said nothing at all. Fast forward to the age of 18 I became seriously mentally unwell, I attempted to kill myself and ended up being sectioned and in hospital for 2 months. After I got out of hospital I was still vulnerable, clearly. But my mum decided it would be a good idea to get me drunk and on this one occasion she asked me to show her my genitals, I did and I feel disgusting for it. I really don't know what to make of all this, it's only recently that it's all come back to me and I don't know if I'm making something out of nothing. Did she ever touch me and I don't remember it? Please any reassurance or anything would be greatly appreciated, I feel ridiculous.
    IamJenna, Intrepid and Cyberluddite like this.
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  3. Rumors

    Rumors I'm a VIP

    I think what your mom did was abusive yes. It was awful. Please don't minimize your experience by comparing it to others. I am sorry you went through this. I hope you have a therapist you can talk with about this.. hang in there.
  4. Suzetig

    Suzetig Still the Staff Kitteh... Moderator Sponsor $100+

    Sexual abuse doesvt always involve sexual contact or being involved in sexual acts. What you describe is incredibly abusive.
  5. Intrepid

    Intrepid Well-Known Member

    Yes. What you describe is sexual abuse. There doesn't need to be physical contact.
    LilLynx, IamJenna and Cyberluddite like this.
  6. Cyberluddite

    Cyberluddite Active Member

    Agreed, it was sexual abuse. As others have stated, it doesn't require genitals to mess with someone's head.

    But there are many ways to groom a victim, so @Rumors is correct in saying that comparing your experiences with someone else's runs the risk of diminishing the importance of speaking up.

    In life, the only person you ever need to compare yourself to is yourself. This is your life, nobody else's.

    And you're already winning by being strong enough to be here today. It is an honor to meet you.
    LilLynx, IamJenna and Intrepid like this.
  7. IamJenna

    IamJenna Active Member

    Wow. Thank u so much for ur honesty.

    I was sexually violated by mum too.
    It was sexual abuse but I find it so difficult to accept it under that label ATM.
    I too have trouble with denial & comparing it to others. Cos the incidences were framed as "normal things a mum does with their daughter" or that it was "a joke" & that I'm making too much of a big deal out of it.
    It's really horrible to have to live with the affects of it yet feel somehow that it's my fault & that I'm over exaggerating.
    By reading ur experiences it's helped me to step out of denial a bit more.

    If it helps I can tell u that what u have experienced is not normal behaviour. & im very sorry that u had to experience that.
    U hope u find the help & support u need thru this journey of healing!
    Here to chat anytime if u want. Inbox if u want?

    Take care!
    Jenna x
    Cyberluddite, joeylittle and LilLynx like this.
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