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Was Raped, Molested, And Abused. Now I'm A Cutter.

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renee-des

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Hello all.

I'm very new to this site. I'm sure there are many topics about self-harm. I just need someone to read mine and tell me that everything will be okay.

I'm very young. I'm 19. When I was a child I was molested for 3 years by my uncle. I told my mum when I was 8. She had recently married a new man after leaving my dad because he was abusive. She called the police and they investigated but the case eventually just faded. Nothing came of it. We do not speak to my uncle anymore.

I started to move on and finally make peace with what happened. I confided in a male friend when I was 14. I told him of the abuse I had suffered as a child. Unfortunately, instead of helping me, he saw how vulnerable I was and he took advantage of that. He raped me. I told my mum after 3 weeks. Again, she contacted the police. They did not have evidence for it happening so it was his word against mine. Having a history or sexual and physical abuse, they believed I must be craving attention. All through high school I walked the halls that held the person that caused me such grief and fear.

Shortly after my freshman year in high school, I began to cut myself. It helped calm me down. It made me feel better. I stopped the summer before my sophomore year because it became incredibly hard to hide. And by then, I was becoming a more confident person. I started again just 6 months after ending. I stopped again and started again. You can see the pattern. And the problem is I am addicted. I can not stop.

I started again about a week ago. I use any sharp object I can find. I recently cut on my shoulder, wrists, forearms, thighs, and the crease when I bend my arm. I am spiraling out of control. The desire to go deeper is much stronger now. I cannot tell my family or friends about it. I just can't. I haven't a clue what to do to make this stop. But my depression has gotten worse as well. Does anybody have anything that might help me get a grip and not cut or at least not have to desire to cut so deep?

Thank you so much for reading this if you did.

renee-des
 
Dear renee-des
I'm so sorry to hear what have happened to you. I used to cut too, but please trust me cutting yourself won't make anything better though it might make the pressure in your heart feel less painful. Those scars won't make the scars from your past disappear. We are all here to help you get through your depression. What happened to your wasn't your fault, and you are beautiful. I hope you know that. You can always come to this site when you need to talk, no one will judge you here.

Welcome to the site :giggle:
 
Thank you. I honestly appreciate that. I just need to find ways to help stop so i don't have anymore scars. And I'm sorry for whatever made you want to cut. But I'm glad I saw the words "used to".
 
There are some posts on this site with safe alternatives to self-harm. I struggle with cutting myself, but still haven't managed to find a way to stop long-term. I wish I had some good advice for you, but all I have to offer is to advise you to read the threads and try some of the ideas there. Some might help you.

Personally, I find the urge to cut is a lot worse when I am bottling up all of my emotions. Eventually they are just too much to bear and that is the only way I can find to release those emotions. Do you have a therapist that you see? If not, I would strongly recommend you seek help locally. Even if it is simply someone to talk to about what you are feeling, it can be a huge help.

I am sad to hear everything you have been through. I hope you are able to find the support you need. If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Please take care.
 
Thank you so much. I have seen therapists in the past. I guess I got the bad end of all of them. I saw a couple who were very judgemental. Therapists should never be judgemental. I will check out the other threads. Thanks again!
 
I cut too. I was molested for several years by my grandfather when I was around 4-7. When I was in first grade he raped me. I have a feeling it happened many times before while I was drugged. To say that I felt pain when I was a child is an understatement. It was excruciating. You may feel the same way, and if not for the physical pain then without a doubt the emotional. I cut because that type of pain feels so good to me. Maybe we could msg more if you want because I do live another type of lifestyle that allows for pain and pleasure to go hand and hand, consensually of course. This definitely keeps tabs on my bad cutting habit.
 
I'm sorry Renee.... Things will get better. Don't give up. I can't tell you to stop cutting because that is something hard to stop. However, I do urge you to use something clean :) and we can work on that habbit later. Just be safe... I"m sorry you're going through all of this. Being discredited is a horrible feeling. Its one of my pet peeves...I hope things get better for you and that you can get everything under control. PTSD and depression is not a good mix at all... :( I hope you know that you're loved and that you're a very special girl. :) Take care of yourself. There are people that care. :)
 
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Hi Renee.

I self harm too. At one point I was cutting multiple times a day. It became a major problem in itself. It's what got me into therapy because a teacher found out.

Anyway, you are definitely not alone with this. I really hope you can take control of it, it doesn't work in the long run. I have found that the urge is much less since finally opening up.
 
Hi Renee-des,

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and that you are struggling in this way.

You're definitely not alone. My father molested and raped me for years when I was a young child. I used to self harm. The way I did it changed after the other sexual assaults and partner rapes as a teen and adult. I started hitting, biting and scratching myself at age 5 and it progressively changed to burning myself at around 13 and got worse until I finally stopped at age 26, after drinking a chemical (not to kill myself, but to feel pain). I also used to abuse drugs and alcohol, from 13 to 20, as a way to self harm.

I had gotten to a point where I realized that I could no longer live the way I was living and so I stopped. I stopped other behaviors as well. It's been 8 years since I last hurt myself. It gets easier with time, but it's a daily struggle. When I'm triggered, even in the tiniest way, my first impulse/thought is still always to burn myself. But I've learned healthy coping skills and I try my best to use them. It took years of forcing myself to do some of these things before I finally was able to stop. I don't know if these things will help you, but it's all I have to offer.

When I feel that impulse I force myself to reach out and ground myself by doing the following....
- I call someone I trust, someone who knows my about my past and knows about my history of self injury. I tell them that I'm feeling like hurting myself and I talk about what triggered those feelings. Initially, talking about it was hard, but now I know it saves me, so I force myself to do it and it's easier now.

- If there is no one to talk to, I go to online forums and try to "talk" to someone there.

- If that doesn't help or is not an option, I write down what I'm feeling and what just happened that brought about the impulse to hurt myself. I don't feel safe writing things out in a journal, so I usually write in on a sheet of paper and then rip it up and throw it away.

- I go outside and try to focus on nature, something outside of myself... trees, birds, clouds, the moon, etc. I try to go for a walk, but sometimes I'm too afraid to do that, so I just step outside my door.

- I do something to calm down and take care of myself... take a shower, watch a funny movie, etc.

- I ground myself by standing or sitting with both feet firmly on the ground, and looking around where ever I am and listing 5 things I can see, hear, feel, etc... When I get through all senses, I am usually much calmer and I can think straight enough to do self talk.

- I paint or draw. In those moments I try to draw my feelings. So it won't necessarily be an image it may just be deep, dark marks in red, black and blue.

- Most recently I realized that every time I have the impulse to self harm, I feel like I am a child, my inner child. I feel young and vulnerable and scared. I feel like everything is out of control and I have no choices and I'm trapped. I don't feel like an adult at all. So now I repeat over an over again, out loud if I'm alone... "I'm 34 years old. I am not 6 years old. I am safe. I am an adult. I will be ok."

- I use aromatherapy to kind of wake myself up. I guess I may be dissociating a little when I feel like hurting myself. I feel like I'm in a trance and not in control. I keep strong but nice/sweet smelling lotions all around my house and in my bag and car. When I feel like hurting myself, sometimes just rubbing lotion on my hands and arms (over my old scars) helps me stay in the present moment. It makes me remember that it is 2012 and I am safe and in charge now.

- I do positive self talk a lot. But I have to do the things above first before I can try to self talk. If I don't ground myself first the self talk is completely my father's voice. All I hear is that I am a monster and I deserve pain. It makes it harder to avoid self harming. But when I ground myself first, I can say "I don't deserve pain", "I'm not a monster" and half way believe it.

I hope at least some of this helps. You can always PM me if you need to talk.

Safe hugs, if ok.

PurpleHope
 
Hi renee-des. Although I've never done this myself, I have a brother who does.

DO go back over how blameless you were in those situations. (And still are.)
DO NOT pick apart how wrong other people were in those situations. Hard to do, I know, but it's just upsetting for no gain.
DO think about how you deserve better.
DO NOT think about how others deserve worse. Not worth it, not useful.
DO NOT exaggerate self-blame.
DO quickly take responsibility and move on when you screw something up. (If you don't, it'll come back as the one above.)
DO think about tomorrow.
DO NOT think (too much) about yesterday.
DO plan how things will be.

I'm a rigid guy and, while that has its failings, it's made a difference between myself and my brother. Also you have your mother so there's that.
 
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I cut too. I was molested for several years by my grandfather when I was around 4-7. When I was in first grade he raped me. I have a feeling it happened many times before while I was drugged. To say that I felt pain when I was a child is an understatement. It was excruciating. You may feel the same way, and if not for the physical pain then without a doubt the emotional. I cut because that type of pain feels so good to me. Maybe we could msg more if you want because I do live another type of lifestyle that allows for pain and pleasure to go hand and hand, consensually of course. This definitely keeps tabs on my bad cutting habit.

I'm so sorry to here of your abuse. It really is a horrible thing to go through. I know what you mean about the physical and emotional pain. It is unbearable at times. I hope that you can find an alternative to cutting if that is something you would like to see happen.
 
I'm sorry Renee.... Things will get better. Don't give up. I can't tell you to stop cutting because that is something hard to stop. However, I do urge you to use something clean :) and we can work on that habbit later. Just be safe... I"m sorry you're going through all of this. Being discredited is a horrible feeling. Its one of my pet peeves...I hope things get better for you and that you can get everything under control. PTSD and depression is not a good mix at all... :( I hope you know that you're loved and that you're a very special girl. :) Take care of yourself. There are people that care. :)

Thank you so much! That really encourages me! It's a good feeling to know that there are people that truly care, even if you don't know me :)
 
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