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Was This Reasonable? Need A Detached Viewpoint.

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@Sandstone
Im also sorry if I said something wrong.

Was trying to support you and saying that what your mom says and how she accuse you and manipulate you is not the way to treat any kid. Got a little wrapped up cause it reminded me of my own past.

You are not makin a fuss -Im for one is glad you made this important thread to bring up such an important issue. You do deserve help and support - hugs if accepted and please take care of your valuble self.
 
@Sandstone
"(Your traumatic response) was perfectly justified, and the damage is valid..." That's what I said, & having had the chance to reconsider those words..? Nope, not changing that statement. The way you're feeling is justified. Your pain is valid.

And despite how it may have been interpretted, I'm the last person who's gonna underestimate the amount of damage done to a child when someone who should love them, doesn't. Or when someone who should care for them, doesn't. When you were a child, the message you got from mum was "I don't love you, I don't care about you, you're an inconvenience." And it wasn't just this one time, although this event no doubt symbolises how you felt throughout your childhood.

I defy anyone to survive that kind of treatment as a child, to grow up in that environment, and not be traumatised by it.
 
I'll add my sorry too. I wasn't sure if what I wrote would seem like I was minimising it all - and not what I meant to do as a lot happened back then for me that I have never really gotten over. I was just meaning to say when I put it in the context of the time etc I felt less abandoned/betrayed.
Ah it's too easy to get hurt/ misunderstood on the dam Internet!
I have been! Several times!
I really hope you don't go. )-:
 
@Sandstone please understand that written word can very much be miss interputed in its intent. I have miss understood intent here as well many times.

I re-read this entire thread and I dont see anyone saying in any way that your pain isnt vaild, that you are complaining or making a fuss for no reason, and that you dont have vaild points and dont deserve help.

I understand the trigger & pain well of miss understanding intent but please understand that we all care about you and want whats best for you and want to help you the best we can! I think i can speak for everyone here (though I tend to try not to speak for people) I do believe everyone here cares for each member and wants the best for them.

We care about you! :hug:
 
People say things to me sometimes like, "your abuser? he was just a psycho getting his rocks off". Yeah, it hurts. Why couldn't I see that as a kid? Why did I take it so personally? Why can't I just see it that way and move on already?

But then, of course I couldn't see it that way when I was a kid. And I have to stop my head from distorting what they're saying because they aren't trying to minimise what happened to me, they're just helping me see it differently, as an adult who is now removed from the situation, so that I can try and start healing from it.

Your mum was a dud. The pain is real. The damage is real. I'm certain that despite your head wanting to use this as another stick to beat yourself with (coz that's what our heads do), people are trying to find ways that might make it easier for you to heal from your trauma, not pretend it wasn't traumatic in the first place. Because it was.

Sorry it hurts. I really am.
 
Validation is so important. Especially from a parent. We don't seem to out grow the need. It might even get stronger as we get older and our perspective changes. We see through eyes of an adult and perhaps as parents ourselves. We understand things are more complicated and we've made our share of mistakes. Sometimes this makes us think that our parents might have had time to reflect, grow and change. We want to hear, "I'm sorry for the pain I caused you."
Unfortunately most of the time in situations when a parent didn't give us what we needed it's simply a matter of they don't have it to give.
They are too wrapped up in themselves and only interested in taking. It's hard letting go of the expectations and walk away. People will say things like you only have one mother or father, they are getting old now, let go of the past and make peace, accept them for who they are, blah blah blah.
Me personally, I don't see it as walking away because I'm holding on to a grudge from the past. I see it as clearing the path to make room for people to come into my life who will like me for myself and when I am with them I feel good at the time and later too. Life is too short to spend it with people who hurt us and when we are alone conversations are replayed looking for hidden meaning. I want to be healthy, that won't happen forcing myself to be around people who are unhealthy for me. Your mother sounds like a narcissist. Not seeing her child's cry for help but how it was an inconvenience. Look up narcissistic mothers and see if you recognize her in what you read.
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This is for all who responded. Not one of us intended any harm. We shared our experiences. and we do understand. So let's not beat up on our selves. We all aplogized. but, we are not responsible for how someone interprets our words... We all wish her many hugs and support.
 
Validation is so important. Especially from a parent. We don't seem to out grow the need. It might even get stronger as we get older

Alice, I 100% agree w/ this! I am almost 35 yrs old and I still so badly need my Daddy! I needed him at 6, I needed him at 9 & 12 when I begged him to take me w/ him instead of just my brother, leaving me there alone, and I need him now to admit his short comings. Admit his part in my past. BUT, he wont. He lives in a state of denial where, he thinks, if he tells himself it didnt happened, then it didnt. Or if its not bad enough then its not abuse.

I can understand why, though it doesnt suck any less, but all 5 of his daughters were sexually abused...my 4 half sisters (previous marriage before my mom) by their step dad & he let their step dad adopt them and me by my step dad & mom and he let them isolate me from him & didnt fight for me in court. He's 74 & im sure he has a lot of guilt that he is running from....denying.

I also badly need a mom and it hurts so bad that I never got to have one and still dont. And it hurts that she not only allowed the abuse but participated.

Sorry, not meaning to hijack this thread but this is all I wanted to say: In the words of Dr Phil, sometimes we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from another.
 
No parent is perfect. Is it perfectly reasonable to have a parent who completely shuts down over the thought of losing their child? YES! (How can we as sufferers who quite often freeze and shut down chastise another who freezes and shuts down?) However, this scenario has hurt you deeply so I suggest discussing this in therapy so that you can move past the pain.
 
I came of age in the 70's. I ran away and wasn't even missed. When I finally missed my bed and came home, nobody said a thing. I routinely hitchhiked as far as I could go in a day out of boredom. I'd crash somewhere and then hitchhike back home. No one noticed I was missing.
My mother told me many times that my kindergarden teacher told her I was too young for first grade but she put me in first grade because she was sick of having kids at home.
She has never comforted me in any way. She came from a strict baptist life in the Midwest and is a racist.
If my daughter is hurting, I can intuit it. We are very close. Whatever I learn about healthy attachments I tell her and act with live in my heart.
All my friends mothers were about as useless as mine. They had no birth control, had too many kids, drunk husbands, married young, never went to college, and my mother has no moral compass. I believe it was status quo ft that time. My sisters and I were full on into the woman's movement back then. Now my mom is really old and dying and I feel no compassion for her, despite being an Empath. I feel so sad for all of us that didn't grow up with hugs and encouragement. I hear the media say that my parents generation was the best there ever was.,that's just bullshit. Our fathers came home from WWII with PTSD and were monsters.,they started all the companies that polluted all our waterways and air and now they're old and sucking every ounce of free healthcare they can.
I'd have hugged you so relieved you were safe. I would have gotten family therapy to help you move forward and I would try to find things to do together: shopping, cooking, hiking. That's how I raised me children.
On a light note, my son said her ran away one night but came right back when he heard coyotes!!!
 
Thanks for all the apologies. I was thrown because the consensus moved so quickly to " Yes it was reasonable of her to behave like that because you upset her" Pretty much what she always told us all
and then to " You need to go and have a nice chat with her so she can explain how it was all your fault" Which I can't do because it is not a subject I am allowed to talk about, even if I wasn't physically hiding every time she walks past.

And I've said over and over on here that I know everyone else has real genuine traumas and I have trivia. I've read what you have all posted in forums and in a few diaries and I understand that. It makes me feel so guilty and ashamed about asking instead of giving. I realise I have no right to be as ill as I am.Having no therapy, and no knowledge of whether, what or when I might get in the way of therapy I realise I'm probably being over demanding at the moment.

As so many of you have made clear, running away like that was a stupid way to express my distress at the time, and given my background could easily have led me into so much more harm.

As it has just been Mother's Day, I'm more aware of he contrast. My daughter wrote in a card
"Every year as I get older and go through more life experiences I'm amazed at what you have done for me and **. Without your love and strength (and occasional telling off) I wouldn't be where I am today Thank you for everything".
Even discarding half of that as being her encouraging me because I'm not well, she sounds as though she knows I loved her, which was always my paramount aim.

I should focus on being grateful for rhe good people who came into my life from my mid teens, and for the model they gave me
 
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