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Weekends Are So Hard For Me.

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falling_wave

MyPTSD Pro
I feel so lost and alone. I am not one to give up on hopes and dreams. For me that would equal giving up on life which I am not ready to do. I always feel like there is a giant chasm between me and happiness. It is blocking me from achieving goals and dreams and from having connection with other people who love and support me.

Every weekend and at night I get this overwhelming sense of doom and a massive amount of emotion that I'm holding back at all costs. It's only Friday and it's already here. I feel dread over a weekend spent alone with these feelings and grief over relationships that I've lost recently. At work in the week I feel fine most of the time but I keep rushing to get home for no good reason because then the feelings start. I hate being with myself. And what I hate more are people telling me I choose to let myself be that way. I am trying every means to connect and trying to go deep in therapy too but she keeps it surface and tells me it's normal given the circumstances.

What it feels like: Running a high speed marathon straight into a brick wall. Every time and then repeating.

I want and need someone who genuinely wants to be around me and my whole world would change. I can't stand this pain. It's like I need to be able to cry out all of my tears with someone who can hold me and make me feel safe. Then maybe I could move forward.
 
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Wow, this whole post resonates with me. I haven't felt safe relating that this happens to me. Not every weekend, but seems like it.

For me, it helped that my counselor at the time told me:

1. PTSD is a huge energy drain on your body/mind as you "spin your wheels" during the week trying to trick yourself into a semblance of safety.

2. Feeling that one must mask and hide all pain and emotion and only show positive mood is exhausting when it's not authentic.

She challenged me to just vent when I don't feel well at work to trusted co-workers. What's the worst thing that can happen? She asked.

I don't know if you have any friends or co-workers at work who you feel you could relate some of this to, but I highly recommend that you take a small, calculated risk and ask someone if you can sit down and close the door and if you can talk about something. For me, females feel safer to talk to, but when I've worked on this and taken the risk to open up to a male, it has felt really good to treat myself to a conversation of sharing my woes and being listened to and validated, by the person, especially when they say, "You should never have been treated like that," or something validating.

I usually go home and cry, but instead of crying alone, I feel that the person's caring attitude is brought with me and held in my heart.

One counselor is not enough for me. I tend to need to get things off my chest more liberally. Not everyone is that way. Some people are more private and only want one person to know what's happening inside them. And then, they prefer less verbal and more "just being together" and maybe a comforting hug or something like that.

Would it be helpful to you to describe in detail what specifically you want someone to do?

Have you seen the classic American film "Harvey" staring Jimmy Stewart? I love the line when the psychiatrist describes his fantasy of a beautiful woman just saying "There, there, poor thing" as he pours out his heartache and troubles. He would have her patting his hand as he cried.

My husband recalls this as his wish for a "mother figure" of compassion.

We all of us with a soul have a wish for some comfort. A good person can sense what the other person needs sometimes, and using trial or error, but it's healthy to know what it is we wish for and then try to find a form of it where we can.

Hugs if you will accept them, and you are not alone. Even with a family, I so often feel this same way that you describe, the chasm. But you're right, in the moment of the comforting, sometimes, the chasm is only in the background, and it is a comforting distraction.

Nobody can make us happy. We must learn how, and I'm right there with you. I am not there yet.
 
"I always feel like there is a giant chasm between me and happiness. It is blocking me from achieving goals and dreams and from having connection with other people who love and support me."

Au contraire, you need to learn/acquire the skill of being comfortable with yourself. What you share with the world comes from the same "font"/fountain. Examine your focus. Learning how to be in quiet, peace and calm with myself was hard but is doable. If we get the "someone" before we acquire the skill... we shoot ourselves in the foot and rely often far too heavily on the person. Get it first. Perspective, does after all come from ... solely from YOU.
 
Thank you all so much. It eases the pain a bit even to have you all relate. @mrsps it is like I'm going out of my mind and don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to help.myself with this one. @Muse thank you. Your ideas are so helpful. I do mask it all week and I almost trick myself into thinking I'm fine. I have one awesome co-worker who I won't tell everything to but I'll let her know if im having a hard day. The thing is around her I feel much better. My psyche saves it up until I'm alone for a night or a weekend and then it comes with force. I think the compassion thing is huge. Everytime my therapist told me she sorry I went through that and it never should have happened I feel weight lifting and connected. I don't feel like I want sympathy or anything but knowing someone else is with me in the journey does wonders.
 
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In the end... when it comes down to it gal, you got to acquire being comfortable with yourself. Sooner is better than later, trust me on this, and I've seen enough end stage (of life) to know. I view things pretty much through that prism.
 
@The Albatross I know this but I don't think people were meant to go it alone. If I had support I would be okay with who I am outside of those people. I just have too much going on inside me to be okay without someone else.
 
People are social beings, however, people who are ill at ease with solitude are often too reliant on others and wear out their support. I don't come by this opinion lightly or easily. Your post says weekends. That's 48 hours.
 
@The Albatross the only social interaction I have during the week is in a work setting. I have no way to recharge or talk to someone who I don't need to show my professional work responsibility to and the feeling really brings me back to being isolated and alone most of my life. I think that pumps the effects several times higher.
 
You can look at it various ways, of course. It can be a growth experience. An opportunity, or it can be a source of dissatisfaction/resentment/regret/grief. Choice of course is yours.
 
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