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What am i doing?

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A little lost

Confident
Had the most painful soul destroying self inflicted session with my found this morning. I have no idea how I drove home, I don't remember leaving her room. I lost nearly 2 hours before I even realised I'm here with a stone cold coffee next to me that I have absolutely no recollection of making.

Long story short...I just ransacked my dad's alcohol cupboard and had a drug of every single spirit that was open....even the ones I hate! I don't feel any better for it and I'm struggling to keep my head here....can't stop the years pouring down my face no matter how hard I've tried to pull myself together.
Swear words directed at myself are just streaming through my head....I absolutely f*cking hate myself right now and my dad is going to go ape-shit if he sees I drunk his booze....and it hasn't even touched the sides! Feel absolutely no effect at all from it. I am not normally a drinker but last week I drank nearly a full bottle of rum (dad's again) in one sitting on my own under a duvet to stop the memories dragging me back there again.
Please...what am I doing ...and how do I stop this?..I'm scaring myself with this behaviour, and it isn't working.
How do I deal with what I did what I've torn open today that has destroyed me even more than I was before I opened my big mouth.

my found this morning

Sorry autocorrect changed that....counsellor, not "found"

Oh heck, just found another autocorrect mistake, just going to re-read and see what I need to change.
can't stop the years

not 'years'...tears

had a drug of
a 'swig'...not drug
Autocorrect is not my friend .
Ok, the rest seems ok, sorry.
 
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Food, Now! Go get something in your stomach. You aren't going to solve anything until you sober up a bit.Just because you don't feel it, doesn't mean it isn't affecting your thinking.

You are going to be ok. I know it hurts like hell and then some. Just remember that you are enduring this pain now in therapy so you don't have to feel this way in the future.
 
If you are able, you need to contact your counselor and ask for an extra session because your symptoms are worsening and you need some tools. Be candid and frank... or just print out what you wrote here and bring it with you.
 
I hear you. This problem we have and alcohol is the yin yang from hell. I guess I can only speak of myself, but it temporarily cures me of my symptoms...general anxiety, cold hands, fear, inhibition...it often will make me into the most gregarious person in any party, because it can often free me from the physical symptoms of my PTSD which are the some of the most personally hated. Thus throughout my life I've gone from being the life of a party to the shy, akward one from a Saturday to Monday morning and while at first people seem perplexed, it never took long, whether it was high school or college or after, for people to catch on that "something isn't right here." I never drank like others, I drank to medicate, to get by certain times. I never became a daily drinker but I used it to maintain a social facade. I could write pages about this. Its never been an answer, and I use to laugh at comments like that and mumble into my beer "F you, if you only knew..." But, hey take it from me...I've had this bad stemming from an incident when I was 14. See, what happens to us with ptsd is our glutamate systems get hijacked. Glutamate is an excitatory neurotransmitter. It elevates our flight/fight response and doesn't allow it to shut off, so wretched insomnia, forgetfulness, and such a long list I can't do it right now, ensues. This is worse the younger one is when trauma takes place. Anyway, I really love u all and I'm 30 and have weathered many storms, please feel free to use me to ask anything. I've spent half my life reading and learning as much as possible about this issue. I might be able to help out a few people which would mean the world to me, because frankly, this really sucks. Theres no real cure either, but you can learn to live with it...
 
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