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What Bad Shit Have You Done - Daily, As it Comes To You, Your Past, Lets Be Honest

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I was just listening to Diana Krall singing "The Look of Love" ... I started to sing along, stopped after a phrase or two, and said to myself, "I used to be able to sing like that."

Why don't I now? Because I smoke cigarettes. I have seriously damaged -- perhaps ruined -- my voice. I'm poisoning myself.

My mother smoked heavily while pregnant with me (1958-59); both parents smoked everywhere (including the car -- windows rolled up during winter!!!); all of my sibs smoked -- and all have quit, except me. My mother died of emphysema in 2002.

(Anyone who's been a serious cigarette junkie and stopped for good...how'd you do it? What made the difference? -- Thanks.)
 
I got a pink slip in 3rd grade (can't really remember which grade it really was?)for cheating on a spelling test for the word "coffee" and never told my parents about it. They still have no idea, not that they'de care after this much time, but if they knew then...I dont want to think about what would've happened. :smile:

I got alot more.....TBC
 
Taking trains and buses without paying for tickets (in Russia)

LOL!!!!!!:rofl: I did that all the time cuz the busses were so damn full and the lady collecting the money and giving the tickets either never got there in time cuz of so many people she couldnt move anywhere or I'de kinda move about avoiding her. Cant avoid paying for the маршрутка though. Oh, except someone I was with one time only had a 500 ruble note and the guy didnt have any change for it, and we got to our destination and just didnt pay. So we kinda caught on, pay with 500 rub note and get ride for free. alot of the time they did have change but sometimes not. or they'de just kick you out, lol!! I love Russia, It's such a great place!
BTW- its amazing how they drive and handle all the money coming towards them and getting all the change back to everyone while driving in those crazy Russian streets, esp in winter.
 
Once, when I was 7 maybe 8, I had to go to the bathroom soooo bad. I ran to the bathroom and didnt really look, just went. Then I relized the lid (is that what it's called) was down. I did'nt clean it up, I booked it outta there hoping noone would know it was me. It was in a church too, which (in my mind) somehow makes it worse. :smile: :smile:
 
cheated on high school sweethart numerous amounts of times he even takes care of my 2 kids that he didn't father!
i 2 was a stripper and sold cocaine as well as did my product!
drank drank and drank somemore.
tried overdosing on darvacets, recently tried hanging myself! (that's what put me in the pshych ward and got me help)
used, and used people men, and friends.
I am not proud of my past one bit and your damn right if i could go back and know what i know now it would be diffrent but that cant happen. so, i accept it and lord knows i have learned from it, thats really all you can do i belive. and of course guide your children (if any) as best you can . I have the perfecxt example of what not to do in life.
 
I remembered that when my brothers and I were young, we would stand in our porch and encourage the kid next door to eat dirt. She did, we laughed.

As we got older it turned into sexual stuff. Not nice. I am ashamed to even think about it.
 
I used to give myself poison ivy to avoid going to school. I'de walk out around the house, find some and rub it all over my face, arms and legs. I was extremely allergic to it and even had to go to the hospital once beacuse it was swelling up my throat so I was having trouble breathing. I did this probally 3 or 4 times throughout elementary school. I never told anyone, they thought I got it by accident, playing outside or something. :smile:
 
I have Been caought of the police one to many times for having a sort of crises attacks
and have acting out on the wrong people when i have had a drink or two..
i feeling kind of sad and guilty for that
i know it i`sent my one fault but i have a choice to not drink but i do that anyway
and every single time i end up in a police car
 
well, since 2003, I've treated every man in my life like **** buddies. Never allowed into my home, shit not even allowed into my world. I didn't get mentally close, and I didn't reveal anything about myself that could be used as ammo later.. Basicly, I called when the physical need was there. All were kept at a distance and if they even acted attached I'd treat em like complete dog shit until they didn't want to call me ever again. I've publicly insulted their competence, intelligence, the whole nine. Perfectly nice guys, I'm sure.... but it turned out I liked verbally and mentally abusing what I saw as weak, undisciplined, underclassed..
I am pretty tough on the people around me. Outside of my home, I am pretty unapproachable. I have a 5 foot rule, if you are closer than 5 ft, you will have problems. People say I look mean, or serious, and at work, I'm pretty quick to point out others' faults, mistakes, short comings. Not only will I lay you under the bus, I'd drive it. Huge bitch. But then I get home to my children and turn into the biggest teddybear.
My live in boyfriend for a year now, is another story. Lately I've been irritated with him like he's just taking up my space. Everything he does or says I deem stupid, illogical, la la landish... In my episodes, I've kicked him out several times now, and he still won't leave. He talks to me out of ending our relationship when I'm not so desperate and passionate to reclaim my life and space. Great guy, great with my kids, but sometimes I want rid of him to have one less part of my life to focus on. In a lot of ways, I've become dettached and I really can't fault him because my PTSD warps my perception sometimes.
Not so proud, but done.
 
I used to give myself poison ivy

Cypher, this reminded me of something that I did, twice in my elem. school yrs.


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At about 9 or 10 yrs. old, once I went out into the thick of woods nearby home, dressed only in shorts and short sleeve (decided it's best that I take off the top for greatest exposure to mosquitos and ease), and forced myself to sit still while blood sucking mosquitos attacked me.

The other time, and just inside my yard, there I sat, pulled up the back of my shirt for as long as I could, and let the mosquitos bite.

My thinking then: One way, or another I will find myself help, up and out, even if it meant ...in my distressed and childlike thought... creating a physical need that might perhaps put me in the hands of a helping professional. I was successful then in my aim of withstanding the pain and achieving many bites, but failed miserably then in that indirect and manipulative approach. Though I later complained of my many bites, I couldn't even get my mother to show much, if any concern. And, besides I might've known then, that I was already in the mind-set & condition, that had I been, in front of a helping professional, I'd freeze up, shut my mouth and not utter a word of those disasterous ongoing living conditions, isolation and varied abuses at home.

I worked then with what I knew and understood in desperation. Mine was manipulative then, hence considered bad from a perspective of indifference, or one of ignorance. From today's perspective, my then desperate cry for help, though faulty & ineffective, was nothing more than a manifestation of my terror that I would die, if left unaided, to remain existing (while already ill and internally threatened) in those continuing neglectful and abusive world and conditions.

This has got me thinking. Though, I wanna write that then, I had many invisible wounds, that I then felt I must make visible in order to survive, I also recognize that all those wounds were not invisible. Just a general thought of question here: Why and how on earth were/are children allowed to visibly suffer trauma(s), abuses, as well as, illness and not receive the intervention and help that they so desperately need?
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Cypher.........take care, please as will I too, to always do my best.
 
Cypher, this reminded me of something that I did, twice in my elem. school yrs.
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At about 9 or 10 yrs. old, once I went out into the thick of woods nearby home, dressed only in shorts and short sleeve (decided it's best that I take off the top for greatest exposure to mosquitos and ease), and forced myself to sit still while blood sucking mosquitos attacked me.


The things we do to get out of school!.... :smile:

I had this teacher that I absolutely hated and most everyone else did too. My family was moving the next day so when he gave me detention- I acted. He had me clean the chalkboard. I started to clean it, then he said he'd be back by the end of the hour. So I dumped out all the water, pissed in the bucket then recleaned the board untill it was gone. I spit in the coffee he was drinking, found 4 or 5 thumb tacks and pushed them up from under his chair so he'd sit on them w/o seeing them. Did'nt wait for him to come back and booked it outta there. Never went back/saw him again.
 
Pain med addiction

I feel a lot more comfortable after reading some of these posts. Typical paranoid whatever right.
I was addicted to pain meds for a couple years, my doctor gave them to me for headaches believe it or not, 80 mg oxycontin 3x a day. No answers for treatment of withdrawal but sure free with the meds. Now this same doctor is licensed to treat addiction because of us. Withdrawal was horrible and could not get into any facilities. So we had to deal with it ourselves. Suboxone and a lot of whiskey helped but it was a long hard road. It may be why the other symptoms. Also I have been an off again on again drinker with a huge capacity for years. I don'[t want to give it up which might be insane. My husband comes home from rehab on Wed. and he is a book thumping program man now so we'll see maybe he will be a good influence for a change...he could say the same about me absolutely so no harm no foul there. Ok that's it for now.
 
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