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What Bad Shit Have You Done - Daily, As it Comes To You, Your Past, Lets Be Honest

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SOOOOO Ashamed

I was a police officer for 13 years yet I have done some bad things. On July 6th of this year I was at home and I couldnt sleep so I took 2 ambien. Soon after that I apparently took more ambien and apparently took several of my pain pills. I do not remember taking the pain medication which is a long acting form of Morphine. At about 3AM I apparently left the house and I broke into the pharmacy down the street that my friend owns. I apparently cut my hand very badly on the broken glass. I removed 3 bank bags from the store and walked home. When I woke up in the morning I noticed a large amount of blood in my bed and on the floor. I looked at my hand and I could see the tendons. I went to the kitchen and I asked my girlfriend to leave because I saw 3 bank bags on the kitchen table. Soon after my girlfriend left the house there was a patrol car in my driveway. I called my mother and told her to come to my house as I think I had done something bad. My friend who is a deputy Sheriff knocked on the door and I apparently called the Sheriff's Office and told them I had a razor knife and would cut my own throat. I finally put down the knife and let the deputy in. He attempted to handcuff me but my hand started bleeding profusely. Apparently he had followed the blood trail from the store to my front door. I was taken to the hospital and sewn up. I was then put in jail for 4 days and I was then transported to a crisis center for mental health treatment. I wsa released on 7-16-08 and I was feeling great as my new doctor adjusted my meds. The charge was reduced to a petite larceny and I have to do community service for the local church. I feel so ashamed about what happened but the truth is I have no recollection of even leaving the house that evening. If I had intentionally broken in to the plalce I would have used gloves and I certainly would not have left a blood trail to my house. The bank bags were returned untouched to the store. I am financially stable and do not need money. This seems so surreal yet I am dealing with it very well. I have been suffering from ptsd for about 12 years and depression my entire life. My older brother is also on SSDI for mental health issues and I remember him writing a journal in his own blood when I was very young. He used to tell me that he was going to kil himself and I always tried to save him and talk him out of it. I caught him tying a noose in his cellar in 1993. I am a mess but trying to get better I am currently taking Cymbalta and Prozac for my problems. I hope to talk to everyone here and I would love to make some friends that understand what I am going thru. It really helps commnicating with someone that understands what I am experiencing. God Bless.... Jeff.....
 
Thank you so much Void for bumping this up to the top...this is exactly the kind of stuff I beat myself up with all the time. and feel shame for. and want to hide and never tell. And I see that I am not alone. REALLY see I mean. Almost to tears.

*I did sex stuff with a male dog when I was in grade school
*I used to play 'rapist' with my little friends when most kids my age were playing 'house'. I was always the man.
*I used to masterbate to orgasm until I was physically exhausted and couldn't any more.
*I 'taught' my little neighbor friend how to do that too.
*I beat my little neighbor friend with a broken bit of rubber hose so hard it left welts. We were just 'playing' one of our pretend games. She was 'bad'.
*Me and a neighbor kid my age used to sneak around and have sex all the time. In gradeschool. I don't remember being a virgin.
*When I was in junior high I used to sneak out of my house most nights to have sex with the neighbor boy across the street. He snuck into my house a few times and vice versa.
*He gave me a hickey once and I lied to my mom and said my dog scratched me on the neck. She believed me.
*In high school I got all suicidal and anorexic and left all kinds of notes and hints all over the place and acted like my parents had been abusing me I wanted help so bad.
*I slapped my mom in the face once when she was trying to hit me with a broom.
*I did all kinds of nasty sex stuff with my boyfriend (I dont know if this counts or not...he did a lot of bad stuff to me that my T says is criminal)
*I drove drunk a lot.
*I had sex with countless men for alcohol, including married ones.
*I didn't communicate with my parents for months when I was in college.
*I didn't go to class in college. Wasted my parents money. Lots of it.
*I went out of state with my boyfriend and didnt tell anyone and worried my parents.

Theres more but I am done. This is enough.
 
This thread is all about cleansing ourselves and giving our brain a little relaxation from hiding so much stuff from our past. Well done... it all adds-up in relation to PTSD. The more you get out, the better for you.
 
Good shit, bad shit, you know I've had my share

The true bare me here today as I have had a bad couple of days. Seems like a good time to do this particular exercise.

I am a thief: Only from stores now but I have stolen from family and friends. Not a klepto just an opportunist. I got busted for it once, many years ago, but I may still occasionally pilfer something that catches my interest.

I am a bad influence: I have turned people against their better judgment, sometimes with disastrous results.

I have lied, cheated, drank myself stupid, done plenty of drugs, had sex with strangers and the unfaithful, used brutal honesty to hurt and been apathetic to to those in need.

The worst thing I've done in the past was to miss/dismiss the signs of abuse suffered by my son at the hands of an addict. Luckily it was neither severe nor long termed.

The worst thing I've done recently is to let my damaged psyche spill out upon my baby boy. I am so mean to him. I watch myself shouting, hear the vile words that spew from my mouth, see my hands shake with the urge to strike and still I cannot, in that moment, realize the harm that I am doing to him. It is only after I have walked away and re-caged the demon that I can look at him and see..see the fear..he is afraid of momma..afraid of the ugly beast I become with rage. I don't want to hurt my child. I don't know what to do...
 
re-caged the demon

Very well said way of puttin it.

For me, well I've pretty much done it all. Do not want to go into detail, but whatever evil one could concieve in their mind I've done it or participated in it. Not proud of it at all, but alot of things I have to stop myself from reflecting on when they pop in my melon.:crazy:
 
when i was little, you weren't allowed to make a noise in the house ever, or my mother whipped us with the horse whips--and those bloody things, the plastic crop, and the lounge, they left nasty welts, especially the lounge whip, because it wrapped right around your entire body... anyway.. in the middle of the night, i had to go pee so bad, but i knew i'd get whipped if i got up and went to the bathroom, so i squatted at the end of my bed and let go. i lied and said the cat did it.
 
When I was about 5 yrs old I hid the BELT and I found out that there were 2 belts. You can guess how I found out.

Void
 
I know this sounds pretty pansy, but besides dabbling in drugs in college, sleeping with a good friend and breaking his heart (for this I will always feel bad)..........I've really had good character.

I've really only done horrible things to myself...........besides having bums living with me, me taking care of them and breaking from the stress..........then the rages. But this is a trigger for me, bums. Really, they had horrible character, were using me, and I, sooner or later, had to rage........the pain and adrenaline in my system too much to bear.
Allowing people in my life in order to hurt me.........I can see it now. I've hurt me more than anyone else.
 
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