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What Do I Do? Breaking Point in Life

Discussion in 'General' started by erin, Aug 7, 2006.

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  1. erin

    erin New Member

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    Hi,

    thanks for all the positive replies to my first post. They meant a great deal to me, I feel like I can trust myself to speak my mind in this forum, which is more valuable than anything. Thanks to Anthony especially.
    However, tonight after I posted, I felt kinda sad. I felt like thinking about everything that had happened to me, and the profound effect it had had on my life. I didn't feel in much the way of being sociable when Nath came home, and when he asked me what I was looking at on the net, I felt ashamed that I was thinking about myself and wasn't concentrating on cooking dinner. I couldn't answer him honestly, and pretended I hadn't heard his question. I think he knew what I was looking at though. He's now gone to bed, as we've had another fight (we have one just about every night, even though we miss each other so much when he's at work) and he can't take any more. I feel like I'm driving him crazy, but then I feel like I'm driving myself crazy.. I mean, how much can I pussyfoot around the fact that I want to die? But then explain that I don't want to die, I just want to feel better? How do you explain that to someone who's had an easy life with a loving mother and father and brothers and sisters and has gone through school and finished uni and is in their career making job? I feel like a total failure, and I feel like I am holding him back from being everything he can be. I feel like if only I could get myself together, and get motivated, we could be on easy street. I feel like all the failures in our relationship are my fault. I can't handle the dogs; I can't handle cleaning; I can't handle work; I can't handle study; I can't handle drugs and alcohol (I want both more than I can say); I can't handle answering the phone (in case it's someone, anyone.. I don't want to talk to anyone); I can't handle walking to the supermarket to get something to eat, but then I can't handle not having anything to eat.. it just goes on and on. I feel absolutely useless. I have no career. All my friends have finished uni, and I am still sitting watching everyone go by. I have nothing in my life but Nath and my puppy dogs, and it's nooooooooot enough. But there is nothing that interests me. WHAT KIND OF ****ING LIFE IS THIS???!!!
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Erin, here is the truth of the matter. YOU are over analyzing everything about your life with Nath. STOP IT NOW. You are thinking for him, just read what you wrote.
    Quit the shit now Erin, its now time to get serious, because your bouncing of the walls flat out, and going to hurt yourself soon if not careful.

    With PTSD, we over analyze everything. We think for everyone else, instead of opening our mouths and asking. You need to come to terms with this Erin as fast as possible. If Nath didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't! See the difference here from facts to fiction you are creating. We with PTSD always seem to want to push everyone who cares for us away, because we think it is best for them. Without asking them directly, we with PTSD need to pull our heads back in, and stop thinking for everyone else, especially our loved ones. If Nath didn't want to be with you, no longer loved you, HE WOULDN'T BE WITH YOU NOW! But he is! Seperate facts from fiction Erin, because they are doing you more harm than good at present.

    Others here have gone through this exact same phase, and let me tell you, they have now come to terms with accepting that their partner does love them, because they asked them. They stopped thinking on behalf of their partner and just asked. I suggest you do the same, and ask Nath if he loves you, and just wants to be with you for being YOU, PTSD and all. I think you might get a rude shock.

    Erin, I am not a big believer of using medication to control PTSD, however; I am also not stupid to not use it if my PTSD is getting the better of me. Are you taking medication to help take some of the burden off you whilst you educate yourself and learn how to control your PTSD without it? If not, why not? Even if you get something like Lexapro prescribed, and take 10mg per day, just to take the edge of the symptoms so you can grasp learning how to control PTSD itself. You might not like it, but medication does have its purpose when PTSD is out of control. It gives our minds a little ease to learn, and as we learn and practice techniques, we then take ourselves back off the medication and cope with PTSD by getting it under control naturally, opposed to being drugged up.

    Alcohol, pot, illegal drugs, are not a solution, because they are depressants, which make the situation much worse. Saying that, anti-depressants also cause increased depression. Go figure! A balanced approached is required Erin during these times. It takes some strain of you, it takes some strain of your partner, and it allows you to get on with getting yourself better.

    You are bouncing of walls at the moment... and you need to get this under control quickly.

    Lets talk about the fighting with your husband each day. Why? What do you fight about, and who instigates it?
     
  4. erin

    erin New Member

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    I guess it's me that usually instigates it, but Nathan can give me a good reason. I was scared over the weekend, as I had a particularly bad turn last week and started a new way of hurting myself (I used to cut myself, now it seems to be that I hit myself in the face or head to try and knock myself out), over what I was going to do when he went back to work on Monday.. I asked him to talk about it a couple of times and on Sunday night he said "What, Erin? Okay, we'll talk about it AGAIN.. " He doesn't really care how serious my problem is if it interferes with his career. I understand that, I know it's important, but isn't me staying alive important too? I know I need help, and I'm scared for my life, but Nath seems to be taking it all in his stride a little too easily. I don't think I'll kill myself, although I want to, but I'm not eating, I'm not going out of the house and I'm not doing anything other than sitting at the computer. I'm ashamed to say it, but I don't know what else to do with myself. We were supposed to go and see a doctor tonight, but when Nath got home late (at 7:30pm) I felt so bad for him having such a long day that I told him not to worry about going to see the doctor, that I would try and get there myself. I know that I can't get there myself, but I don't want to **** up his life any more than I already have, especially cutting into his precious time at home. Nathan is the type of person that won't worry about something until it is absolutely dire.. he never takes sick days, never admits there is a problem. I want help so badly. I want to feel better. I just don't know how to take control of my problems, and I don't want to feel indebted to Nathan. I just don't know what to do. I feel so confused and crazy, but I want to try and contain it all to myself. I have been made to feel ashamed for so long for having problems that I don't know how to share properly. I find it so hard to lean on other people. I want Nathan to help me, but I don't want to have to feel guilty. But he makes me feel so bad a lot of the time, he makes me feel "weak". I guess it's to do with the problems I had with my mum and dad, but I want him to make me do something, I want him to make me get help. I want him to get help for himself so I don't have to worry about him so much. It makes it harder for me to cope knowing that he is having a hard time getting through it all. I know it can't be easy, but if anyone out there knows of any way to get help, then please let me know. I am desperately trying to find a psychiatrist in the north sydney area. I have tried Lifeline and they have been absolutely terrible. I'm sorry to sound so difficult, but I am being as honest as possible, as I figure it is the only way I am going to get any help.

    Thanks again for listening,

    Erin
     
  5. erin

    erin New Member

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    Hooray for help!

    You know, I couldn't sleep much all night. I have a bit of trouble sleeping most nights, but last night I didn't get much at all. I think you're right Anthony, I've come to my own personal breaking point. I've been here before, too many times to count, but I don't want to be here again.. I want to get better. I've had enough of this shit! There, I said it. I'm going to the doctor today, I don't care what it takes, I'm going to do it. I'm not going to keep putting responsibility for all my problems on someone else, I'm going to take ownership of them and I'm going to bloody well do something about them!!! I have to, there is no quality of life feeling this way, and I was doing so well just before this current relapse.
    I almost wish I could take back my last posts, but then I never usually can make up my mind! If I can drag myself to the doctor, I'll treat myself to an afternoon nap :sleep:

    Cheers,

    Erin
     
  6. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    Welcome Erin,
    and I can relate to so many of the things you posted.
    Don't ever allow yourself to regret any of your posts.
    They are what you felt at that moment.
    You might be feeling a different way now... but it's important to speak whats your mind.
    You will get the energy to do all the things you want
    (cleaning, cooking, studying, whatever)
    but it takes time, hard work, and lots of support.

    You are exhausted, and overwhelmed right now.
    which is perfectly normal with PTSD sufferers.
    Don't be to hard on yourself!
    Take each moment at a time,
    and most importantly take care of yourself!
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Erin,

    This is how to find a good doctor who knows about PTSD. Look up Vietnam Veterans Counselling Service (VVCS), ring them and ask them if they know of a good doctor who deals in PTSD within your area. You don't have to be military, because they will send you in the right direction regardless.

    I am private messaging my phone number too you, at which point I will be home after 11.30 this morning. Break past your anxiety with the phone, and call me please so we can have a chat. It will be easier and faster to send you in the right directions by talking with you and being able to answer your questions directly.
     
  8. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Erin,

    Firstly welcome to the forum. Now down to business. It sounds like you are at the start of wanting to sort out the crap that has been your life to date. A good starting point would be Anthony, he can point you in the direction clearly so there is less stuffing around and less stress. Try and take this healing process one step at a time as it can be very overwhelming. Anthony and I have been down the path that you and Nathan are at, there is room for improvement and it does get easier if you are prepared to work at it. The rotten thing about PTSD is that you didn't cause it but you have to live with the end result and you are the only one that can move your butt enough to make your world better.

    As for Nathan don't fret too much about him. I am not saying don't care about him or your relationship, what I am saying is that if you work on you the relationship will improve. As much as we like to delude ourselves, we don't have the power to make someone stay with us or go. It is entirely a personal choice. Nathan is with you because he wants to be there!! Its that simple. Try and let that be if you can because it is essentially worrying over something that you will not ever have any control over. As for fighting all of the time - boy did Anthony and I used to do that, what a waste of energy!! It becomes hurtful, nasty and just makes your world a hostile environment to live in. It makes a bad situation even worse. Could one of you grab the dogs and go for a walk instead? Walking away from a fight is not defeat, its smart retreating. Neither of you can say anything hurtful things if the other person isn't there to hear it and it allows you a chance to cool down.

    Do yourself a favour and focus what energy you have, as little as it may be on doing the simple things to make your life better. Take care of you for the first time in your life. If that is what you consider selfish, then so be it, be selfish. Counselling is one step, medication another, sleep, rest , eat (when you do eat, eat healthy stuff - junk food will make you feel worse) and go for a walk with your pooches to get some fresh air. All too much??? It sounds overwhelming but if you do these little things, in stages, it will make a hell of a difference to your energy levels, serotonin levels and your ability to cope.

    Erin, I hope you find the help that you need here and some support. Please post/vent as you need to and get Nathan back on line here. Anthony and I do not have all of the answers (nor do we profess to) but there is lots of information here and a lot of different experiences in how to deal with PTSD. Please take care of you and if you can give Anthony a call.
     
  9. erin

    erin New Member

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    just a quick one..

    Hi guys,

    thanks so much for your replies. I have been overwhelmed by your kindness and concern! Some days it feels like no one cares if you live or die, but then others come along like this one and it makes you remember that there are good people out there. I was at rock bottom this morning. Nathan has stayed home with me today. I've never been this bad before, but I've never felt more like I could beat this. I will give you a call Anthony, but right now I'm off to the doctor.. Are you home this afternoon? I think Nathan would like to say hi too. Thank you so much once again. Maybe we can all get by with a little help from our friends! (I used to love the Beatles, but I haven't enjoyed anything much for a long time. I hope I can enjoy them even more than I used to soon.. *fingers crossed*)

    Erin
     
  10. permban0008

    permban0008 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Erin,

    Good start ........off to the doctors!!! Yes Anthony will be home this afternoon, so please call. He is currently at Playgroup with our little one but will be home after 1130 am.
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Erin, it does hurt to make a stance, I won't bullshit you on this. If you think living with PTSD is painful, get ready for a bumpy ride to recovery when you actively make that decision. The reason is, is that you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zones, beyond what you are often safe within, and push outside to what is a more normal area to work, and dealing with trauma is certainly not easy along the way.

    I would like to know how the doctors appointment went also. Great move getting yourself going and seeing a doctor. Don't stuff around with your life, its not fair to anyone else. Selfish is not taking a bit of care about yourself and your health. Selfish is pushing yourself away to solitude, pushing those who love you away, or taking your own life, those are selfish acts. Taking care of you, is not selfish.

    Erin, you can call me pretty much any time, as I am home most of the day and night. If you don't get me, you will get my answering machine, leave your name and phone number, and I will call back.
     
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