Hi, thanks for all the positive replies to my first post. They meant a great deal to me, I feel like I can trust myself to speak my mind in this forum, which is more valuable than anything. Thanks to Anthony especially. However, tonight after I posted, I felt kinda sad. I felt like thinking about everything that had happened to me, and the profound effect it had had on my life. I didn't feel in much the way of being sociable when Nath came home, and when he asked me what I was looking at on the net, I felt ashamed that I was thinking about myself and wasn't concentrating on cooking dinner. I couldn't answer him honestly, and pretended I hadn't heard his question. I think he knew what I was looking at though. He's now gone to bed, as we've had another fight (we have one just about every night, even though we miss each other so much when he's at work) and he can't take any more. I feel like I'm driving him crazy, but then I feel like I'm driving myself crazy.. I mean, how much can I pussyfoot around the fact that I want to die? But then explain that I don't want to die, I just want to feel better? How do you explain that to someone who's had an easy life with a loving mother and father and brothers and sisters and has gone through school and finished uni and is in their career making job? I feel like a total failure, and I feel like I am holding him back from being everything he can be. I feel like if only I could get myself together, and get motivated, we could be on easy street. I feel like all the failures in our relationship are my fault. I can't handle the dogs; I can't handle cleaning; I can't handle work; I can't handle study; I can't handle drugs and alcohol (I want both more than I can say); I can't handle answering the phone (in case it's someone, anyone.. I don't want to talk to anyone); I can't handle walking to the supermarket to get something to eat, but then I can't handle not having anything to eat.. it just goes on and on. I feel absolutely useless. I have no career. All my friends have finished uni, and I am still sitting watching everyone go by. I have nothing in my life but Nath and my puppy dogs, and it's nooooooooot enough. But there is nothing that interests me. WHAT KIND OF ****ING LIFE IS THIS???!!!