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What Do I Do When He Pushes Me Away?

Discussion in 'Supporter General Discussion' started by Anie, Feb 21, 2011.

  1. Anie

    Anie New Member

    I'm very new to this forum, and I hope I can get some insight here. I haven't seen a question about precisely what I'm wondering.

    I recently met and dated a man who was diagnosed with PTSD shortly afterward, related to his time in the military. We dated, and he disappeared, so I let him go (only later finding out about his diagnosis).

    But every once in a while, he'll get back in touch. We'll make plans... and he'll stand me up, or make some excuse. From what I've read, there's every chance he's pushing me away because of his diagnosis.

    I don't know what to say or do when he does that! Was he just messing with me? Did he think I was going to stress him out? Does he want reassurance that I want to be around him, or does he want reassurance that he has utter control over whether he sees me or not? Should I push back and tell him that he's wanted, or should I back off? If YOU were him, what would you most dearly want me to say or do?

    Thanks for the help :)
  2. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Princess ♡ Staff Member Premium Member

    What do you want is my first question before responding? Based on what you are saying this man is either struggling with his feelings for you & unmanaged PTSD or he is having his cake & eating it too. What do you think?
    valdoodle likes this.
  3. Anie

    Anie New Member

    I want him to hang out with me. His standing me up is literally the only "off" thing about him. In person, he's a little quiet but funny and sweet. He's smart and understanding and affectionate.

    If I didn't know he had PTSD, I'd just think he was a jerk and a flake (god knows I date enough of them). But knowing about his diagnosis seems like a plausible excuse for his extreme skittishness, especially since some days he shows up and gives me a big hug. I want more hug days. Hell, I'd take a few days of him being grumpy and withdrawn, I'm not looking for a fairy tale, just spending some time with a man I admire.
  4. Mockingbird13

    Mockingbird13 New Member

    Hi Anie,

    Let me start by saying Im no expert in this, but I can share what Im going through.

    I have been married to an amazing man for now 20 years - we had a very blessed marriage - he is my best friend, and even our High school aged daughter would make fun of us because she would tease us about how happy and in love we were while all her friends parents were divorced, fought alot etc.

    My husband's final military deployment sent him to Iraq. He came home, he retired after 20 years in the military and things seemed ok. That was 3 years ago. Last April he came home from work and announced that he no longer loved me, did not want anymore responsibilites and just left...he is still gone and I dont know where he is.

    To make a long story short, I recently found out he is dealing with PTSD....he had hidden it from us so well, but I guess it came out full force last year.

    I, like you are now going though periods of no contact. He calls occasioanly and we see him very seldom. He has become emotionaly detached and for him, its easier to live alone and deal with the PTSD. This has destroyed my marriage as well as myself and my family.

    I love him 100% , but nothing can erase the hurt I feel everyday. When I do get to see him I do for the most part enjoy my time with him, but I cannot talk to him about too many things such as my feelings, because he cant handle anyones but his own.

    I understand your statement about the 'plausible excuse" because I use that too - but my counselor expalined to me that I was living with a dry alcholic - because I was always making excuses for his sudden outbursts and strange behavior in crowds and other situations...and let me tell you, she was right. When I took a step back and saw how many times I apologized for him and his bad behavior I was sickened. - The man that I knew before the war was amazing, kind, loved his children and was fun. But in the last year we were almost afraid of what he had become - this irritable, quick to anger and shunned all responsibilities person.

    At first I thought PTSD was just an excuse for this new behavior which even went as far as 2 extra marital affairs, but after learning , reading and getting help for myself I realized it wasnt an excuse, but an outlet.

    I still love my husband, and this road we are on is horrible - I never know when I will hear from him again, or when we do what will set him off. I am blessed that he is finally getting help, but there is along road ahead - and even after he does get himself under control its no guarantee that he will ever come home to me or his family.

    You have to be prepared for the worst - You have to always remember that sometimes his behavior of ignoring you is not beacuse of you, but what he is going though. The better equiped you are in knowledge the better it will be for you.

    But even with all this said there is no guarantee of what lies ahead in your future (but aren't all relationships like this)?

    You really need to ask yourself - I am prepared for this ? Is he worth this ? Is he willing to work together with you and even try couples couseling so you can understand his triggers, his moods, and handle being let down from time to time?

    I wish you luck on your journey and whatever your decision is.
    valdoodle likes this.
  5. valdoodle

    valdoodle New Member

    My only boundary was 'no other women' ....... that was all it took for my PTSD partner of 13 years to move out and make me feel like I am the insecure freak for needing such security. No cake and eat it in this house. :mad:

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