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What Do The Concepts Of 'family' Or 'home' Mean To You? Are They Different Because Of Ptsd?

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As to "family", well, mine is very complicated. I have several siblings, a large extended family from both sides of my parents, and children from two different fathers. About half of my extended family lives 1,000 miles away. The other half lives 700 miles away. Me and my adult children live in between.

Ex#1 (and his "new" wife of twenty-five years) have always remained friends. Ex#1 and I have also maintained contact with some of each other's extended family. During the last years of Ex#1's mother's life, she lived in their home, and I took care of her every Sunday for nearly three years. We celebrate special family times and sometimes Christmas together.

Ex#2 (abuser) has a son and a daughter from his first marriage, that I raised. At the time of the separation from Ex#2 child custody included his children going with him. They didn't want to; they were both in their mid/late teens with their own cars. Within a month of separating they asked if they could live with me instead, and I let them. Ex#1 and his "new" wife helped me raise all five of our/my children. Ex#2's first wife abandoned her children, and Ex#2 essentially did so also through neglect and manipulation. Ex#2 and I haven't spoken with for nearly sixteen years. He successfully put himself apart from my family early on in our relationship, and interfered with the children's relations with my extended family and his extended family. Ex#2 delivered an ultimatum to his extended family, essentially disallowing them to associate with me nearly twenty years ago. Ex#1 and his "new" wife have had nothing to do with Ex#2 because of what he did to me and because he abandoned and manipulated his children.

"My children" include (in birth order) Eldest step-son, eldest biological son, eldest step-daughter, biological younger daughter and biological youngest son - Eleven years difference between the eldest three and my biological younger daughter.

The children (all adults now) are very, very close except with my youngest daughter (she's just different). The three eldest children associate with my extended family. However, my youngest son only began becoming associated with my extended family eight years ago - when he turned legal age and Ex#2 couldn't interfere anymore. I travel to see both sides of my extended family at least once a year. One or more of the adult children come with me about every second or third year.

Christmas is crazy, and usually depressing (for me). My children go (sometimes I go also) to Ex#1 and new wife's home on xmas morning because they invite lots of friends too and it's fun. They go where ever Ex#2's family is going to celebrate because they feel obliged and are made to feel guilty if they don't. I usually volunteer to feed the homeless - they're appreciative - and it's so simple. I also spend about twelve hours on the phone on Christmas eve and Christmas day talking with extended family from both sides of my parents. I have 26 cousins. We grew up together having lots of fun. We all talk to each other still, and include the few ex-spouses in the mix!

To sum it up, why my immediate family life got so screwed after Ex#2 really gets to me if I think about it too much. And sometimes I feel out of place, or that I don't have a family of my own. Like I don't really "belong" to anyone. Although I know intellectually it's not true at all. It's so screwed up I just don't really know what having a family means.

The majority of my family does not know I have PTSD, but if they knew I don't think they'd blink an eye. Having such a large, strong, and relatively healthy family makes me feel glad. Having Ex#2 in the picture at all (particularly around Christmas) makes me mad and sad at the same time.

I don't think anything that I've written about here has anything to do with PTSD.
 
Maybe many of us lose the concept of a birth family when birth family reject us, or reject us over the ptsd, or contirbute to why it occurred (abuse etc) in the first place. Or maybe some people become 'healthier' than their families? Perhaps 'new' families (spouses, children) are 'new', accepting, supportive, believe in (one) another. Not sure where that leaves people who are single though.

I think 'family' or 'home' must refer to more than the standard definition, more the emotional connection or love or association.
 
Perhaps the 'aloneness' is a ptsd-related feeling?

When I'm with family, I don't feel alone and I do feel I belong. It's all the plans leading up to getting together and feeling like I'm the last one informed, or informed as an after thought, like others are tossing me crumbs that gets to me.

I guess I mostly thought that anyone with the same odd circumstances and without PTSD would feel alone, confused, and like they don't belong. But you might be on to something, ya know? I'll have to think about it more . . . :confused:
 
hat is akin to pity, not something that would happen for any other reason.
Junebug, I think this might be your burdensome" world view popping up again. If you look at this it is so unlikely to be true. People most often invite someone if they like spending time with them. Yes, they don't have family plans but I think that is more incidental. That jolly burdensome thing follows you around a lot doesn't it?

I suspect how someone feels about family depends mostly on how their family was with them or as you say is now.

Maybe many of us lose the
You said it well in this post.
 
I'm afraid my history makes me unable to see families as anything other than expectations, illusions, projection, pretence, power inequality, demands, control and manipulation. If you happen to like and care about people in your family, that's just pot luck and you don't need a family to find people you like - in fact there's more chance outside your family. Even without abuse, many people in a family are people you wouldn't waste time on if you didn't have that connection. Some are people you'd normally be careful to avoid.

I would never say something like my friends are my family. My friends are my friends. We've chosen to have a relationship with each other. I want nothing to do with any family of any kind.

Home is just where I live. I want to feel comfortable and peaceful where I live, but I don't have any sentimental ideas about home.

So yes, you could say my view's affected by PTSD. Just a little bit. :devilish:
 
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I'm finding this thread very interesting and helpful. I don't really consider my extended family when i think of family. It's usually just my two adult children that I raised alone. Their spouses and my two 3 year old grandchildren,(one more on the way). I have a lot of other relatives. However, haven't associated with them in decades. Even though I consider those I mentioned as what I call my family. I often still feel like an outsider. Even though intellectually I know that they love me. I still feel very...disconnected at times. I guess this is part of ptsd too? Not sure. That's what I'm here to work on . I want to FEEL CONNECTED, to those who are my family.

Any suggestions?
 
When I'm with family, I don't feel alone and I do feel I belong. It's all the plans leading up to getting together and feeling like I'm the last one informed, or informed as an after thought, like others are tossing me crumbs that gets to me.

Dear Drew, if you feel comfortable or loved with them, could it be related to thoughts about yourself? Do you think it's possible they are trying to make it easier for you by handling the details? Or are they by nature even inclined that way, or have done it in the past? Maybe hyper-arousal contributes (to the feeling)?

:hug:
 
Dear @Abstract , I 'hear' you,I guess I just always hear people say (as regards what they do/ did for others this Christmas), "I invited her because she is alone..", or "she has no one to be with at Christmas so I.." or "he doesn't have family so..". Not that it's not a good thing they've done that, or that they don't mean well, of course, but it's always paraphrased and qualified first. Would it be if they had another motivation?

:hug:
 
Dear Hashi, I like that you make your own and new connotations that are healthy and good ones for you. PTSD-altered initially perhaps but it has shown you what you accept or want and clarified what you don't want. And you have the courage to be true to that.:tup: :hug: if accepted.
 
Dianna.L.W. if you feel you have evidence to support that (you are loved), that is good. I imagine, trust, memory, CBT (in terms of being aware of and naming feelings, dealing with contrary thoughts), self-care (to not burn out or overflow the 'stress cup') and to increase relaxation, exercise to deal with the adrenaline (and hopefully sleep), 'permission' to allow yourself to be happy, might help? Others will have more suggestions. Welcome to you. :hug:
 
"home"
I guess, for me, "home" is any place where you don't have to explain why you're there. At one point, technically, I was homeless. (I didn't see it that way, since I had a vehicle to live in, but, I digress.) The worst thing about being homeless, other than being cold most of the time, was having to come up with excuses to "be" places. "Why are you parked in this parking lot again tonight?" "Why are you sitting in this cafe if you aren't going to order anything?" etc. "Home is a place where you don't have to defend your presence."

"family"
Beats me! LOL Seriously, there's the biological kind, obviously. I guess the point of having a "family" is support and acceptance? So, I'd say "family" would be people who provide that, whether they are genetic relatives or not.
 
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