As to "family", well, mine is very complicated. I have several siblings, a large extended family from both sides of my parents, and children from two different fathers. About half of my extended family lives 1,000 miles away. The other half lives 700 miles away. Me and my adult children live in between.
Ex#1 (and his "new" wife of twenty-five years) have always remained friends. Ex#1 and I have also maintained contact with some of each other's extended family. During the last years of Ex#1's mother's life, she lived in their home, and I took care of her every Sunday for nearly three years. We celebrate special family times and sometimes Christmas together.
Ex#2 (abuser) has a son and a daughter from his first marriage, that I raised. At the time of the separation from Ex#2 child custody included his children going with him. They didn't want to; they were both in their mid/late teens with their own cars. Within a month of separating they asked if they could live with me instead, and I let them. Ex#1 and his "new" wife helped me raise all five of our/my children. Ex#2's first wife abandoned her children, and Ex#2 essentially did so also through neglect and manipulation. Ex#2 and I haven't spoken with for nearly sixteen years. He successfully put himself apart from my family early on in our relationship, and interfered with the children's relations with my extended family and his extended family. Ex#2 delivered an ultimatum to his extended family, essentially disallowing them to associate with me nearly twenty years ago. Ex#1 and his "new" wife have had nothing to do with Ex#2 because of what he did to me and because he abandoned and manipulated his children.
"My children" include (in birth order) Eldest step-son, eldest biological son, eldest step-daughter, biological younger daughter and biological youngest son - Eleven years difference between the eldest three and my biological younger daughter.
The children (all adults now) are very, very close except with my youngest daughter (she's just different). The three eldest children associate with my extended family. However, my youngest son only began becoming associated with my extended family eight years ago - when he turned legal age and Ex#2 couldn't interfere anymore. I travel to see both sides of my extended family at least once a year. One or more of the adult children come with me about every second or third year.
Christmas is crazy, and usually depressing (for me). My children go (sometimes I go also) to Ex#1 and new wife's home on xmas morning because they invite lots of friends too and it's fun. They go where ever Ex#2's family is going to celebrate because they feel obliged and are made to feel guilty if they don't. I usually volunteer to feed the homeless - they're appreciative - and it's so simple. I also spend about twelve hours on the phone on Christmas eve and Christmas day talking with extended family from both sides of my parents. I have 26 cousins. We grew up together having lots of fun. We all talk to each other still, and include the few ex-spouses in the mix!
To sum it up, why my immediate family life got so screwed after Ex#2 really gets to me if I think about it too much. And sometimes I feel out of place, or that I don't have a family of my own. Like I don't really "belong" to anyone. Although I know intellectually it's not true at all. It's so screwed up I just don't really know what having a family means.
The majority of my family does not know I have PTSD, but if they knew I don't think they'd blink an eye. Having such a large, strong, and relatively healthy family makes me feel glad. Having Ex#2 in the picture at all (particularly around Christmas) makes me mad and sad at the same time.
I don't think anything that I've written about here has anything to do with PTSD.
Ex#1 (and his "new" wife of twenty-five years) have always remained friends. Ex#1 and I have also maintained contact with some of each other's extended family. During the last years of Ex#1's mother's life, she lived in their home, and I took care of her every Sunday for nearly three years. We celebrate special family times and sometimes Christmas together.
Ex#2 (abuser) has a son and a daughter from his first marriage, that I raised. At the time of the separation from Ex#2 child custody included his children going with him. They didn't want to; they were both in their mid/late teens with their own cars. Within a month of separating they asked if they could live with me instead, and I let them. Ex#1 and his "new" wife helped me raise all five of our/my children. Ex#2's first wife abandoned her children, and Ex#2 essentially did so also through neglect and manipulation. Ex#2 and I haven't spoken with for nearly sixteen years. He successfully put himself apart from my family early on in our relationship, and interfered with the children's relations with my extended family and his extended family. Ex#2 delivered an ultimatum to his extended family, essentially disallowing them to associate with me nearly twenty years ago. Ex#1 and his "new" wife have had nothing to do with Ex#2 because of what he did to me and because he abandoned and manipulated his children.
"My children" include (in birth order) Eldest step-son, eldest biological son, eldest step-daughter, biological younger daughter and biological youngest son - Eleven years difference between the eldest three and my biological younger daughter.
The children (all adults now) are very, very close except with my youngest daughter (she's just different). The three eldest children associate with my extended family. However, my youngest son only began becoming associated with my extended family eight years ago - when he turned legal age and Ex#2 couldn't interfere anymore. I travel to see both sides of my extended family at least once a year. One or more of the adult children come with me about every second or third year.
Christmas is crazy, and usually depressing (for me). My children go (sometimes I go also) to Ex#1 and new wife's home on xmas morning because they invite lots of friends too and it's fun. They go where ever Ex#2's family is going to celebrate because they feel obliged and are made to feel guilty if they don't. I usually volunteer to feed the homeless - they're appreciative - and it's so simple. I also spend about twelve hours on the phone on Christmas eve and Christmas day talking with extended family from both sides of my parents. I have 26 cousins. We grew up together having lots of fun. We all talk to each other still, and include the few ex-spouses in the mix!
To sum it up, why my immediate family life got so screwed after Ex#2 really gets to me if I think about it too much. And sometimes I feel out of place, or that I don't have a family of my own. Like I don't really "belong" to anyone. Although I know intellectually it's not true at all. It's so screwed up I just don't really know what having a family means.
The majority of my family does not know I have PTSD, but if they knew I don't think they'd blink an eye. Having such a large, strong, and relatively healthy family makes me feel glad. Having Ex#2 in the picture at all (particularly around Christmas) makes me mad and sad at the same time.
I don't think anything that I've written about here has anything to do with PTSD.