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What Do You Do When You Feel This Way?

Discussion in 'General' started by TheDeepestScar, Nov 17, 2007.

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  1. TheDeepestScar

    TheDeepestScar Member

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    All day long ever since I woke up, I've felt disconnected from everyone around me. I've had no energy or motivation to do the slightest of tasks.

    I've put up so many barriers around me and my husband but I'm thankful to have a patient, kind and caring husband who tries to understand.

    I don't see how he can understand when I can hardly understand myself.

    Today has been a really bad day for me. I mean I've wanted to cry all day but that happens alot and I just can't cry because I was punished as a child for crying.

    So I'm convinced it's something that's not allowed despite what others try to tell me.

    I'm just now starting the recovery process. Per my therapist's advice I re-opened my disability claim to try to get it changed from 70% service connected with individual unemployability to 100% which she feels I'm entitled to.

    Nobody has tried to care for me in the professional field before always choosing to ignore my thoughts or brush it off, I've been co-diagnosed with so many things it's hard to keep it all straight. I get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and so every therapist I see treats me like I'm the problem child.

    Except this one. She actually wrote one of the books in the recommended books section that I saw sticky noted at the top here. "The PTSD Workbook". Like I said in a previous post she has told me and I've read cause I also have her workbook that I have complex PTSD which mimics all these other things they are saying I have wrong with me.

    They use Avoidant Personality Disorder or Social anxiety to explain the social isolation I put myself through. I don't have any local friends. Just online friends. It's easier for me to talk to someone I can't see if that even makes sense.

    I'm sorry I'm just going on right now, I'm feeling really lonely right now and unsure of myself which is typical.

    I'm decided to try to keep a thought/feeling/dream journal for my therapist to see. She suggested a dream journal but I decided to write down the thoughts and feelings to, when I have panic attacks, which I have been bordering on for the last half hour.

    Unfortunately the medication I take numbs too much and so alot of times I feel absolutely nothing. My psychiatrist is medication happy and has me on 5 different psych meds.

    It's funny really, I'm in a room with 2 children and a husband that cares about me and I know this but yet I feel alone and don't understand why I always feel that way. I feel alone and want to be alone but at the same time don't want to be alone which completely contradicts itself....

    It's all confusing to me. :wall:
     
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  3. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Hi Rachele. What you are describing is all normal PTSD. I would give good money to see your therapist! Many of us on the forum are highly socially isolated, including me. The forum is the first place I've been able to start opening up.

    If I may add, it sounds like you are way over medicated. You do not need to take that much if you don't want to. Also, ignore the labels. Doctors are label happy. Being isolated and having problems being social is very much a part of PTSD. Not a separate thing.

    bec
     
  4. TheDeepestScar

    TheDeepestScar Member

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    Thank you. We, my husband and myself, were just discussing my medications and which ones would have to go. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday and the way that my last appointment went I know that getting him to take me off the meds is going to be like pulling teeth. It's not exactly like the medications are doing anything more than making me feel more numb than I already feel sans medication.

    He's medication happy and because he's employed through the Department of Veteran's Affairs we suspect he is trying to change my diagnosis so that the VA doesn't have to pay me benefits, apparently from a few articles I've read that's what some are being told to do.

    I've been diagnosed with PTSD since Dec 2002. I feel safer writing on this site because of how carefully moderated it is. My mother has been known to stalk me online. She's tracked me down on another site now twice and harassed me to the point of a complete mental breakdown.

    I am very grateful to have the therapist I have. Things work in mysterious ways. And that's how I got hooked up with her, my daughter happens to be best friends with her god-daughter and we met the little girl's mother by happenstance.

    I always feel nervous before going to sleep though because of the potential of having nightmares which probably in retrospect makes it worse. But some of the medications I'm on knock me out completely. (That would be Seroquel-awful for weight gain).

    My husband and I feel like all I really need is an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication and my therapist agrees.

    As you can probably tell I'm really nervous about my upcoming appointment but I'm also nervous everytime I head up to that particular clinic because the city used to be one in which my ex and his mother lived and so it brings me alot of flashbacks and anxiety. Sometimes I think that's stupid, to have so much anxiety over a city.

    I am sorry about typing so much in one post but I figure cause I'm still a moderated member the more I type out...it's easier than waiting for a response or a secondary comment.

    ((I tend to apologize alot))
     
  5. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    You have nothing to apologize for, Rachele. I have moderated far longer posts than yours, let me assure you! :wink:

    Welcome to the forum, lovely to have you, and please keep writing as much as you desire.
     
  6. hollyberry

    hollyberry Active Member

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    I wish I could quit crying, ever since my appointment this week thats all ive done. I didn't get to work today cause I have an hour drive and was crying so hard and almost hit the guard rail. Im probably in some trouble but my boss knows what im going through. I can also relate to the military doctors. Ive had ptsd since 85, most of the docs Id seen where military and didn't get diagnosed till 2004. you would think that they see enough of ptsd from the vets that they would give these doctors some training on how to regonize it.
     
  7. TheDeepestScar

    TheDeepestScar Member

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    I don't know if it's because he is uneducated about PTSD or is just so convinced I have bipolar his vision is clouded (so to speak).

    It's not like any of the mass of medications he has me on are helpful anyways. Maybe the anti-anxiety med helps some of the time and God knows I wish something would work for the depression but all these mood stabilizers he has me on are doing nothing more than impacting my thinking and capability to process things properly. It's also making me more numb than I already am which is pretty significant as is.

    So I'm essentially saying he's making me worse.

    Of all the doctors I've seen he's the only one to try to push the diagnosis of bipolar on me. I had pyschological testing done when I was in the military and no where did that pop up in the testing. I should probably point that out on Wednesday when I go in.

    He told me the last time we saw him that if the Depakote and Lamictil aren't working for me still he'd switch me to Abilify. I swear I don't need any of those medications. It's very frustrating.

    And lately, I've just been having alot of bad days. And when my bad days are really bad I don't speak to anyone at all, not my husband, not anyone. Which irritates my husband but I swear I'm not ignoring him and I tell him that. He understands a little bit but not entirely. He's trying though.
     
  8. hollyberry

    hollyberry Active Member

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    Im only on effexor and xanax, wondering if I need more. I haven't had much testing at all (I am a depent wife) We did 20 years. Stationed in New york, Florida, North carolina, Germany, colorado, and delaware. Retired in 98. Stayed in Delaware cause kids where in high school, they had moved enough. ptsd just got trigged last month. Haven't had any problems since 2004. always thought it was from getting off nicotine but didn't quit smoking this time. I have now, hospital was non smoking after 5 days with out why start back up
     
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