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What do you want?

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Ogonog

My T and I have been working on a lot of issues many of which are resolved or on their way to being resolved. And he asked me the question; What do I want? Do I really know what I want (i.e.:in work, relationships - family, dating or with friends). I am very good at answering this question with negatives. I know what I don't want, what I want to stop happening, what I wish I could avoid, and what I want to eliminate from my current life.

But to flip the question around and ask more specifically: What positive actions/events do I want to happen, and how do I want the positive reactions to to impact my life.

My big question I would ask for input from all of you is: How did/do you involve yours self so that you can make a positive impact. How do you determine what you want from family, friends, work or life in general so that you I have essentially a map that permits me to take my time getting to what I want and believing it will be their waiting on me.
 
I have an enormously difficult time with this. I always think I know what I want - I have a lot of different ideas about what I want or what I think will make me happy - and then, I make preliminary plans to make it happen, and something happens and I realize that I was wrong. Or it was a really bad idea after all. So...I get my hopes up and soon after they are dashed.

Sorry. I know that didn't answer your question. But I guess I wanted you to know I read what you wrote and also that it's not an easy thing for me, either.
 
I have to be able to see past this moment.

Wanting? For me, anyhow, means building. To build something, to work towards it? I have to be able to wrap my head around the idea that the future is real. This afternoon will happen, tomorrow, next week, next year.

I have to be able to trust myself. To some degree, anyhow.

I have to be able to make plans, and follow them. Even during times I can't remember why the hell I'm doing this. Which means trusting myself to do so. Trusting myself to be able to handle changes in plans, to adapt, and move on.

I have to come to a place where I'm okay with losing it.

If I don't want anything? It can't be taken away, or f*cked up, or go badly. I didn't want it, anyway. Wanting? Means putting in time & effort & care. It means pain, and loss, and creating a weapon to be used against me. Hostages to fate. Grief. Hardship. Pain. Regret. Knowing that these things are part and parcel with joy. Every person I love, every thing I treasure, every moment lived is lost sooner or later. They become memories. Only real in my heart, and my mind. I'll never be able to touch them again, or see their smile, or laugh with them, or be better by them. Wanting? Means sadness. Means sorrow. For always. It's a hard thing to accept. I've sworn not to, every again, I don't know how many times. I always broken my word, though, in the end. So now instead of trying to avoid connecting with anyone or anything, instead of trying to choose things I don't want to avoid the pain of losing them, I try to get myself to a place where I accept the losing of them in advance. It doesn't lessen the pain, later. But it makes it easier to want, now. Even if it's a hard thing to accept.
 
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