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What Do Your Neighbors Think About You?

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GodSeeker

Confident
Right now I am facing a hard time...I live alone in an apartment and have 4 neighbors. I think with conviction that they think I am crazy or a strange person or a monster and some other things related to my trauma that I could not mention here. Some conversations I heard make me believe that and off course my actual situation drive them believe that: I receive no visits. Have no GF. Allways alone (except for these holidays but this seems to not to be much important) I just cannot take it in. This is the exact thing that happened to me years ago and was the origin of al this shit: judged, badly judged.

The problem is that I am close enough to my neighors to hear their conversations and I see in their eyes that they think "What an odd person!!" I dont think that I am a bad person. The reality is that I show indifference to them but not because I like to do that but because I cannot do otherwise. It is hard to not to have other alternative but be indifferent, lonely, because people judge you all the time. It is hard to me to let enyone get close to me and I am supporting this stoïquely but it hurts, really hurts. It hurts when you think that others think you are a monster or a bad guy. It is already sad to not to have friends, somebody to talk to and open your heart to and if this were not enough you have to deal with toher's people judgements and superficial opinoins.

I just hope that I am not alone in this sort of situation because I am really not a bad person (sometimes I suspect that maybe I am) It is already hurtful to be alone without having to deal with other' people judgment. It is like not having peace anywhere not even in one's self.
I wonder how much suffering can a person take before he breaks. Because that is what it is happening. I have no body to tell me that I am a good person or that I am courageous to deal with loneliness in a foreign country or make me feel good... I dont know, but I am so in need of a kind word from anybody...It kills to live the way I do.
I want to apologize because most of my posts are sad posts but I could not help it.
 
Hi GodSeeker,

My heart goes out to you, reading your post. I am very lucky to have a small family with me, my husband and son. They may not always be perfect, but they are always here and I wake up every single morning thankful for that, at least. I do, however, understand how the views of others may affect you.

I live on a tree farm, acres of forest around me - it's really beautiful and VERY quiet which is why I moved here in the first place. We are just outside a small town where everyone known everyone and your business is everyone's business. I dreaded that part of things because the whole town gets together to celebrate holidays - easter egg hunts in the spring..pig roasts in the fall...that sort of thing. I knew I'd never go, and I knew they'd all look at me strangely for not joining in.

This past summer my closest neighbour (who can actually see my house from hers) pulled my husband aside to have a chat about how 'weird' I was. She noted that she never saw me playing outside with our son C (who is autistic and, at that point, absolutely hated playing in the grass or dirt) and that, one weekend she saw me go into the house on a friday return from work and not exit again until the following MONDAY (dear me, can you imagine??! Two days of solitude...for crying out loud...sigh). She lectured D for a while on how 'bad' it was for our son to have a mother like me. She told him how unhealthy it was for me to have no visitors and to never go out except for work, C and errands. It went on and on. She even threatened to call Children's Services on me...saying I was an 'unfit' mother.

She's all happy now because my husband took a job out of town and I'm now left to do everything for Colton and have to take care of the house while trying to hold down a full time job. I guess now that I 'look' busier, all is well.

The one thing I keep telling myself is that it doesn't matter what they say, what they think. I am only responsible for me (and my boy, at this time of my life) and I can only affect how I feel about my situation, not what others feel. It's hard, very hard, but if I got bogged down in what everyone else thought to me, I'd likely never make it off the couch.

I won't tell you to 'go out and meet people' because that's exactly the opposite of what feel. I wish I could tell you how to love yourself, but I'm still looking for that answer myself. I guess I can't help you much...but I'm thinking of you. I hope that helps a tiny little bit.

Grainne
 
The one thing I keep telling myself is that it doesn't matter what they say, what they think.

Exactly. I am sure that my neighbors see me, at least sometimes, as the strange girl who peeks out from between the blinds at odd times. We share a wall so they hear screams, I suspect, and night pacings. On the other hand, I think they are weed fiends who party too much as people with children. They aren't my friends, so I am not too concerned with their thoughts on me.

The question is, why does their opinion matter to you? Do you want a relationship with them? The answer to that question affects how you proceed.
 
I hate how judgmental people can be. Why can't they just mind their own business?

I don't have problems with my neighbors, in fact they are all really nice. We just moved to a small row of townhouses out in the country, and although I moved there with my boyfriend when I was just 17, no one seemed to think much about it. One of the neighbors thought that we would be trouble makers and throw lots of parties, but since she's seen that we do nothing like that, she's been really nice to us. We have people who will mow our lawn for us, or even shovel snow off our walk way. They are just nice people I guess. Not many of them have really gotten to know us though. And although I have a variety of disorders and my boyfriend has Aspergers, we blend in pretty well. Although, I'm sure people have wondered why I would leave some of the outdoor parties that they'd throw. I would only stay for a few minutes before going back home, anxious. But I guess my boyfriend has learned how to explain it to them in a way that doesn't make me look bad.
 
Thank you Grainne, kers and res,
All the problem is from my personal situation: I am residing in a foreing country since 1998 and somehow I have hard times adapting to their culture and society. You might think that this is not important but it is. It is a pretty unusal situation. I have got a huge family back there but I seldom have a communication with them.
And why do I care about what they might think about me? It is because all my problem comes from unfair childhood accusations and bullying against me of things I am innocent from. I was the one who everybody intimidated, judged and pointed their finger on. That is why. I have always been obsessed about what others may think of me. so I always did my best to show a nice, helpful and right person so I can prevent their bad judgments. In other words I am playing again and again the same game since my childhood. Trying to being nice to not to be hurt. But I am sorry this doesnt work as an adult. Being a good person is not what matters but having success, social skills, arrogance, and what the media make you believe it is important. So I find myself without ressources to deal with people.
I just wish that before long I will resolve my familiar issue and meet again with my family.
 
While our living situtions are very different, our feelings, wants and needs are so similar. I am the weird woman who looks out the window a lot. I'm the woman who never has visitors and is rarely seen outside.

To say that what others think should not matter is easier said than done. BUT, it is important for us to build a life we can function in and if limiting our outside exposure is what it takes, then so be it.

I am not capable of much outside interaction with people or places so I have developed a life for myself that is comfortable and safe. I get a little lonely sometimes but the alternative of letting people close to me is just not an option.

Don't guess this is any help to you other than leting you know you are not alone, but maybe it will help a little.
 
I know it really doesn't matter what my neighbours think but since my bf had to move out for safety reasons all to do with his ptsd 3 months ago, one of our neighbour's just asked me this week if we've separated? Argh!! It caught me off guard and I said he's just been busy working!
 
"one weekend she saw me go into the house on a friday return from work and not exit again until the following MONDAY (dear me, can you"

My first thought to that is: what is she doing spending the entire weekend watching what you are doing???? I think there is some projection going on there Grainne.



 
Hell, there have been times that if I have food, I'm sick and don't need to go out, I won't go out for almost a week....Staying in doesn't make you weird, or crazy or whatever. People judging you for how you choose to live your life, is their issue.... Live your life, enjoy it, and to hell with your nosy neighbors.....
 
Not sure really... don't chat with them too much. One side is cool... know them both, know the other one's, but they are sticky noses which I can't stand. The others mind their business and say hello, have a chat when outside and available, otherwise they do their thing and I do mine, which I like.
 
Helena's point to Grainne is very valid in my opinion... what was her neighbour doing by the window all weekend? surely that's even less of a life than she's accusing you of having!! lol!

Back on topic, my neighbours keep themselves to themselves, which suits me just fine. I do have problems coming up with excuses for when I can't do something I'd said I would to not-very-close friends,, whom I don't want to know about my PTSD but I also don't want them thinking I'm a bad friend.

I think, at the end of the day, something that's already been said in this thread is probably the truth but it's hard to swallow, and that's that: we can't do anything to change how they think about us, (even if we were to try making loads of effort, they'd probably brand us as "that's strange, why are they doing all that?") so lets not waste any of our energy on something that is fruitless and instead, lets focus on ourselves and getting through each day as best we can. :)
 
Hi GodSeeker,

I'm lonely too. And I have faced the fact that to others I am weird. I have next to no social skills and that's weird to other people who were lucky enough to learn those skills in a caring family as children.

To deal with my loneliness, I A) have a dog. B) found situations where I can be with people where good social skills aren't required. For example:

I've started to volunteer at a museum. I help people or school groups to understand the exhibits in my area. Not in-depth social activity required. I also go to exercise classes where I'm with people but don't have to interact much. Since I'm a senior, I can go to the center for lunch. Again, some interaction but no major social skills required.

I live in a senior apartment. Some young people with disabilities live here too. There's a rule (not enforced by the administration) that residents must be in residence a certain number of days each year. A young woman with a serious heart condition lives here but often stays with her family in town. Believe it or not, one of her neighbors is keeping a log of her comings and goings and complaining to the administration. This girl (who incidentally has great social skills) told me the other day that she's looking for a new apartment because she can't stand the feeling of being constantly watched.

My moral is that nasty people will find a way to be nasty. They don't need a person with PTSD.

maria
 
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