Right now I am facing a hard time...I live alone in an apartment and have 4 neighbors. I think with conviction that they think I am crazy or a strange person or a monster and some other things related to my trauma that I could not mention here. Some conversations I heard make me believe that and off course my actual situation drive them believe that: I receive no visits. Have no GF. Allways alone (except for these holidays but this seems to not to be much important) I just cannot take it in. This is the exact thing that happened to me years ago and was the origin of al this shit: judged, badly judged.
The problem is that I am close enough to my neighors to hear their conversations and I see in their eyes that they think "What an odd person!!" I dont think that I am a bad person. The reality is that I show indifference to them but not because I like to do that but because I cannot do otherwise. It is hard to not to have other alternative but be indifferent, lonely, because people judge you all the time. It is hard to me to let enyone get close to me and I am supporting this stoïquely but it hurts, really hurts. It hurts when you think that others think you are a monster or a bad guy. It is already sad to not to have friends, somebody to talk to and open your heart to and if this were not enough you have to deal with toher's people judgements and superficial opinoins.
I just hope that I am not alone in this sort of situation because I am really not a bad person (sometimes I suspect that maybe I am) It is already hurtful to be alone without having to deal with other' people judgment. It is like not having peace anywhere not even in one's self.
I wonder how much suffering can a person take before he breaks. Because that is what it is happening. I have no body to tell me that I am a good person or that I am courageous to deal with loneliness in a foreign country or make me feel good... I dont know, but I am so in need of a kind word from anybody...It kills to live the way I do.
I want to apologize because most of my posts are sad posts but I could not help it.
The problem is that I am close enough to my neighors to hear their conversations and I see in their eyes that they think "What an odd person!!" I dont think that I am a bad person. The reality is that I show indifference to them but not because I like to do that but because I cannot do otherwise. It is hard to not to have other alternative but be indifferent, lonely, because people judge you all the time. It is hard to me to let enyone get close to me and I am supporting this stoïquely but it hurts, really hurts. It hurts when you think that others think you are a monster or a bad guy. It is already sad to not to have friends, somebody to talk to and open your heart to and if this were not enough you have to deal with toher's people judgements and superficial opinoins.
I just hope that I am not alone in this sort of situation because I am really not a bad person (sometimes I suspect that maybe I am) It is already hurtful to be alone without having to deal with other' people judgment. It is like not having peace anywhere not even in one's self.
I wonder how much suffering can a person take before he breaks. Because that is what it is happening. I have no body to tell me that I am a good person or that I am courageous to deal with loneliness in a foreign country or make me feel good... I dont know, but I am so in need of a kind word from anybody...It kills to live the way I do.
I want to apologize because most of my posts are sad posts but I could not help it.