• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

What Does Dissociation Look/feel Like To You?

  • Thread starter Deleted member 32956
  • Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I have Depersonalization disorder (DPD). It is annoying as hell... because it is hell. The worse times last for months on end and I just go through the motions of living while not feeling connected to my life. It is like I'm a ghost watching myself move around and I'm usually in a constant state of questioning my identity, especially during those times.

But I can't say it is all bad. I get a lot of higher perspectives and have the ability to emotional detach from stressful situations. Which can make me much more calm during a crisis. And I gain a lot of reflections and deeper understandings of my life because of such.

I personally think it is better to work with, and not against your different states of mind. To learn from it instead of fighting it. Running away from it makes it worse, working with it re-grounds you. At least that is what I have found. It is a difficult process though.
 
I have read a lot of people talk about safety when it comes to disassociating. Could you explain...

The brain is protecting the individual from old and or new trauma. The emotional state and dealing with the facts can be too hard to handle and process in the moment so dissociation occurs. You remove yourself (your identity) and or create a new identity to handle the situation.

Dissociation is a survival mechanism.
 
@Nevermore and @The Albatross - It's interesting what you were saying about the link between dissociation and being the flight/freeze mechanism. (And that is a SERIOUSLY strong fight response @The Albatross ). And interesting how your early experience affected which mechanism you turned to... I'm learning more and more.

I find the whole Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn thing is really strongly intertwined with my trauma and both how I responded at the time and now. I never knew there were more options than Fight and Flight until I worked with my trauma therapist, but I realised how much dissociation is a flight and freeze thing for me. Sometimes I "flee" to somewhere else mentally entirely. But sometimes I'm just paralysed by fear or strong emotion and I go nowhere...I'm just not present. It's almost like a white space. I'll sometimes temporarily hold my breath or stop blinking or I'll let go of something I was holding. Sometimes though I freeze physically but my mind is frantically going "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!??!?!" That frustrates me the most, it's never been successful at protecting me in the slightest but it's the most automatic response I have. :inpain::stop:

I have been in terrible situations and just almost completely switched off and been unable to switch myself back on.
I've had this too. It's so frustrating when I'm so desperate to have control of myself and my surroundings and to not be vulnerable. For me freezing is the most inconvenient of all responses - I end up working to the thoughts of a child "if I stay really still they can't see me and it will all be fine." or "if I can't see them, they can't see me", even though I didn't experience trauma until the age of 17.


I personally think it is better to work with, and not against your different states of mind.
This is a really good point. It's hard to do, but I've found fighting it all the time can be so draining and maybe sometimes (not all the time but sometimes) you can gain something from allowing yourself to transfer states of mind. Occasionally I've discovered an emotion I didn't know I felt previous to dissociating. If that even makes sense?
 
It's good reading all your responses.

It;s hard to know how early this stuff started for me for various reasons but I suspect at least from age 5 and its had a huge affect on my life in a variety of ways. The strange thing for me is that I was so used to blocking out things that were uncomfortable and so distanced from myself that I didn't even question any of it for one second until late in life. That alone was shocking to me. How could I have so often been out of myself looking down on myself and never for one moment questioned it. I have curious mind in general. I was so spaced out I didn't even have the awareness of the dissociation. Its ironic as I've read that for a lot of people with depersonalisation disorder the fear of the symptoms is often what fuels the disorder. Anxiety about spacing out results in people spacing out as anxiety is the usual trigger. For me that would have been impossible. I barely knew there was a me let alone have anxiety about something like this.

What symptoms do I have or have I had? A whole smorgasbord of them. I can now see they fit into most types of dissociation to some extent or other, Some just a little some a lot.

General dissociation:
The type that is usually related to intense negative emotional states such as fear and anxiety. As I understand it, common in those of us with PTSD and also in depression and anxiety disorders. It can also become habitual and the symptoms can then come even when there isn't a heightened state of anxiety. That's the case for me.
They describe these as changes in levels of consciousness or relationship with self.
Depersonalisation, derealisation etc A lot of being outside my body looking down onto it. A lot of more subtle forms of being disconnected from self. Not being able to feel my body. not feeling part of it or feeling connected to it. feeling I am perched in my head looking out rather than in my body. Feeling dreamy and spacey;. The environment looking distorted, plastic or abstract.
What I call deja vu and jamais vu - on speed. The normal automatic pilot stuff. Catoplexy type symptoms can happen if I;m highly distressed - I can sometimes hear everything going on but appear to be unconscious.

Drifting off and disconnecting with what is around me and me. When more intense apparently I am totally unresponsive although I am still sitting or standing etc. This also happens a lot to me in therapy. I suspect quite a lot of us do this when trying to discuss trauma or when triggered. I very often go around in a semi switched off state.

Junebug, the way I understand it not remembering what we do as a result of these things is merely because the memory wasn't stored or fully stored.

Somatic dissociation symptoms with some conversion stuff.
Talking but my vocal cords not working. (One I used to do a fair amount. I do this a lot in therapy. :( ); not being able to speak or move my mouth whilst otherwise functioning well, my legs not working suddenly (this has only happened a handful of times as far as I know).

Structural dissociation;
This theory is one of the ways to describe the type of dissociation that is specifically related to early trauma. I have found useful for me anyway. Its essentially personality dissociation but covers a wide range of things. I don't have DID or anything like that but a very little of some of the things that I struggle with could be about this. Maybe. Maybe not. This is where people with DID would be having a lot of symptoms and for those who do, loosing time (as a result of another part of them experiencing that event and not them) is something that can occur.

Flashbacks etc are also types of dissociation.

Then you get fugue stuff etc of which I don't have experience.

I find all these things were really hard to put into words. It somehow almost feels otherworldly and that normal language never fits around it.

I am so much better with all these things which is a bit shocking in a sense. Something I thought couldn't happen and has left me feeling very confused about what was symptoms in the past and what was me. Confused again about who I really am.

As for the effect of relationships. All sorts I think. I know they say we develop habitual dissociation when we sense fleeing or fighting would bring more harm or not work. It is a freeze response. And sometimes we just gt stuck in that mode. But by being stuck I ended up not being able to protect myself and a lot of harm I suffered was merely a result of that. That's the part that gets to me now. I am now connected enough to understand the potential cost o checking out and I don't like it, at the same time as longing for it.
 
Last edited:
This is a really good point. It's hard to do, but I've found fighting it all the time can be so draining and maybe sometimes (not all the time but sometimes) you can gain something from allowing yourself to transfer states of mind. Occasionally I've discovered an emotion I didn't know I felt previous to dissociating. If that even makes sense?

I wouldn't say going with the mindset is any easier and it too can be quite draining and exhausting. I find it quite a difficult process and that you have to be mentally agile to navigate through such states compared to succumbing to them. The ability to rationally detach at any given moment is quite handy and keeps at least outward behavior seen as 'sane'. But the process is well worth it in the end.

No worries, I get what you mean with discovering an emotion. Connecting with the emotion also helps bring about another perspective on what happened during the situation. So that is useful too.
 
@Abstract - you seem to have a great deal of insight into it. It's interesting hearing other people's experiences.
Drifting off and disconnecting with what is around me and me. When more intense apparently I am totally unresponsive although I am still sitting or standing etc. This also happens a lot to me in therapy. I suspect quite a lot of us do this when trying to discuss trauma or when triggered.
This really rings a bell with me. Especially how you say "apparently I am.....". So much of the time I think I'm doing one thing, or I don't realise I've even "gone", but my partner tells me afterwards that I'm totally unresponsive or whatever. I find it really unsettling...I don't know about you?

@OrganicRobot - Oh no, I don't consider it to be any easier...I just think that fighting it is also draining so sometimes doing something different (going with the mindset) can be a relief in some way just by being different. But yeah, I totally agree that navigating them rather than succumbing to them is the real challenge. I find I get so overwhelmed with the new emotion or new 'state' that it's hard to come out of it, or it's too difficult for me to seem outwardly "normal" so someone usually does something to make me 'come round', for want of a better phrase.
 
I'm new to being aware of my issues and haven't delved deep into things with my provider as of...
I am in the same boat as you, new to figuring all my issues out. Its a good thing you are reaching out as that has been the only thing helping me as I wait to attend therapy. I experience Dissociation as just being glazed over, mentally emotionally and psychologically not present, sometimes even physically and not being able to participate or function meaningfully in situations.
 
For me, at least, it feels like my body is a puppet and I'm tugging the strings. My shell is peppy and smiley and when the shell is around its friends, its happy and quirky and when the shell is with its boyfriend its romantic and head over heels in love. But me, floating behind the shell dictating its actions, I feel nothing. No love, no hate, no joy. Only a dull, numbed pit of anxiety in the bottom of my stomach. And this lasts for the duration of about a month.

Other times too when I'm dissociating, I stare at myself in the mirror and ask out loud if I'm really there, saying my name over and over again. And I feel like a child again.

I hope that was accurate. :/ I'm a bit new to this stuff, so idk whether that was dissociation or depersonalization, but that's what it feels like to me at least..
 
I think I'm crazy...

You are not crazy!

This is DID. Classic DID. I know, as I had DID for most of my adult life.
Does lack of trust with someone in the present cause dissociation? I'm having a hard time understanding sorry. My mind feels like goo. Has for months now and my mental capacity and lack of understanding is zero right now.
Lack of trust with someone in the present can lead to dissociation - but not always. And, there are many other reasons to dissociate, as well.
Different tone of voice you say etc? Does the way you communicate via email or text change too?
Yes, your manner of communicating via email, etc., can change, too. It all depends upon how 'different' the other self is from your primary self.

Again, I had DID. I had an alter named SuperPuppy. When he wrote emails, he wrote ruff-ruff talk, which I would later have to come back and translate.
Is dissociation the reason a person can't remember huge blocks of time, like most of childhood?
Yes, unless there is a biological problem present, like a severe head injury or brain tumor.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Dissociation exists on a spectrum. Some dissociative experiences are perfectly normal; for instance, when you lose time while driving - what they call Highway Hypnosis - this is perfectly normal. Daydreaming is also perfectly normal. On the other hand, we have DID on the other far pathological end of the spectrum.

Dissociation feels differently, depending upon the type of dissociation you are experiencing.

Normal dissociation, like daydreaming, is a pleasant sort of floating experience.

Derealization is a form of dissociation when the world around you doesn't seem real. You might feel like you are far away from everyone and everything. You might even sense that you see others as tiny beings far away, as if seeing them through the wrong-end of a telescope, or through wavy water. Things around you just don't feel real.

Depersonalization is when your body feels like it doesn't belong to you. This is how people can sometimes have out-of-body experiences; if a child is being r@ped, let's say, she might 'disown' her body and 'float up to the ceiling' where she watches the perp hurt some other unknown child.

DID level dissociation is just further out on the spectrum. You might feel like someone else has control over your body and so is causing you to do things you had no intention of doing. You might hear alters talking in your head. You might hear alters talking to each other aloud, having a conversation with each other, one you are not privy to. You might experience amnesia and 'wake up' in a hotel room somewhere far away from home, after an alter has finished using the body.

Ben
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top