This is something that has perplexed me for a few years. I was 7 years old when I developed PTSD when a boy tried to rape me. I actually had lied about the event. I was so embarrassed by it. I told everyone that he pulled a knife on me. I was never put into counseling, in fact the whole incident was shoved under the rug and ignored. I had nightmares and flashbacks every day for years. I remember finally telling my mom the truth when I was 11 and she said that she knew and it was no big deal, I just needed to get over it. Interestingly enough a couple of months later I had an episode where I couldn't get out of bed without the room spinning. We went to several Dr's. Ended up at Johns Hopkins hospital where they said it was psychological. They suggested my mom "roll down hills with me" and that was that. Then at age 14 my parents decide to move me across the country and away from my friends. I ended up attempting suicide. Also, during this entire period - 3 months after the attempted rape, both of my knees started dislocating. I spent my entire childhood in casts and on crutches every 6 weeks 3-4 times a year. I had 4 major knee surgeries before I turned 16.
I disassociate a lot - especially when in a triggered state. I also have a very hard time being in touch with my feelings. That being said, I do have a keen sense of everyone else's feelings and I can't stand ANY kind of negativity in a room. That makes me close up and disassociate even more. I can honestly say I am probably in some sort of disassociated state a good 60% of the time. But I don't know how to be any different. I'm 46 years old and this is all I know. I worry about some therapeutic techniques that draw out all of the traumas...I worry because I don't know how to be anyone different than the traumatized person I am.
I wonder if anyone else has the same questions or experiences. When I'm not in a triggered state, I do enjoy my life. I don't mind not knowing how I feel. It may bother other people, but I'm ok with it. Sometime I think I probably would be better off just living alone. My husband would probably think differently, although right now he's seeing me in an extremely triggered state and might want to run away screaming...I guess we'll just have to see. I almost wish I knew a different me so that I had a healthy someone to work towards, but I don't. I just have little old traumatized me.
I disassociate a lot - especially when in a triggered state. I also have a very hard time being in touch with my feelings. That being said, I do have a keen sense of everyone else's feelings and I can't stand ANY kind of negativity in a room. That makes me close up and disassociate even more. I can honestly say I am probably in some sort of disassociated state a good 60% of the time. But I don't know how to be any different. I'm 46 years old and this is all I know. I worry about some therapeutic techniques that draw out all of the traumas...I worry because I don't know how to be anyone different than the traumatized person I am.
I wonder if anyone else has the same questions or experiences. When I'm not in a triggered state, I do enjoy my life. I don't mind not knowing how I feel. It may bother other people, but I'm ok with it. Sometime I think I probably would be better off just living alone. My husband would probably think differently, although right now he's seeing me in an extremely triggered state and might want to run away screaming...I guess we'll just have to see. I almost wish I knew a different me so that I had a healthy someone to work towards, but I don't. I just have little old traumatized me.