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What If You've Never Known Anything Different?

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Bubba

MyPTSD Pro
This is something that has perplexed me for a few years. I was 7 years old when I developed PTSD when a boy tried to rape me. I actually had lied about the event. I was so embarrassed by it. I told everyone that he pulled a knife on me. I was never put into counseling, in fact the whole incident was shoved under the rug and ignored. I had nightmares and flashbacks every day for years. I remember finally telling my mom the truth when I was 11 and she said that she knew and it was no big deal, I just needed to get over it. Interestingly enough a couple of months later I had an episode where I couldn't get out of bed without the room spinning. We went to several Dr's. Ended up at Johns Hopkins hospital where they said it was psychological. They suggested my mom "roll down hills with me" and that was that. Then at age 14 my parents decide to move me across the country and away from my friends. I ended up attempting suicide. Also, during this entire period - 3 months after the attempted rape, both of my knees started dislocating. I spent my entire childhood in casts and on crutches every 6 weeks 3-4 times a year. I had 4 major knee surgeries before I turned 16.

I disassociate a lot - especially when in a triggered state. I also have a very hard time being in touch with my feelings. That being said, I do have a keen sense of everyone else's feelings and I can't stand ANY kind of negativity in a room. That makes me close up and disassociate even more. I can honestly say I am probably in some sort of disassociated state a good 60% of the time. But I don't know how to be any different. I'm 46 years old and this is all I know. I worry about some therapeutic techniques that draw out all of the traumas...I worry because I don't know how to be anyone different than the traumatized person I am.

I wonder if anyone else has the same questions or experiences. When I'm not in a triggered state, I do enjoy my life. I don't mind not knowing how I feel. It may bother other people, but I'm ok with it. Sometime I think I probably would be better off just living alone. My husband would probably think differently, although right now he's seeing me in an extremely triggered state and might want to run away screaming...I guess we'll just have to see. I almost wish I knew a different me so that I had a healthy someone to work towards, but I don't. I just have little old traumatized me.
 
That was an courageous share (((hugs))). My heart goes out to you in so many ways and I am listening. Words are not coming so well in the moment however. But just so you know- me too : all that I have known since age three.

So, since my bubble isn't working so well in the moment-may I ask you a question, please? Are you asking a specific question within your strong narrative that is being sent out for another voice to greet? I want to walk with you for a bit... but I get confused sometimes.:hug:
 
I'm sorry you've been through so much. I relate very much to your post. I am also 46. I don't know how old the sexual abuse started but the grooming started when I was a toddler. There was also physical abuse and a lot of emotional abuse and gaslighting. I don't know anything else. I rarely know my feelings. I am also super tuned into other people's feelings and will take them on as my own or shutdown.

About a year ago I was asking some of the same questions you are.So many people and books talk about "before" or getting back to who you are and this is who I am. This is how I formed. I am blessed with an amazing trauma therapist and we've talked a lot about that. I said I don't know my feelings most of the time and that's true but I have to grudgingly admit I am starting to know more often and it is helpful. It's helping me understand better who I am and know how to handle certain situations. Thinking about what I just said, that's probably why I finally left the job I've had the last 16 years. And that was a good move. Everyone there knows it's a hostile environment. Of course, it sucked when I began to realize just how unhappy and stressed work was making me.

One of the things we worked on a lot in therapy was how to manage feelings. I was terrified that if feelings came it would be in huge, overwhelming waves I had no control of. That's largely how I'd experienced feelings in the past when they broke through. So, in therapy we talked a lot about how feelings work, that they don't last forever (they don't!), and lots and lots of coping skills. I guess the key there is you don't have to feel everything at full intensity. And to trust that when the feelings are bad they really will go.

If I read this right, it sounds like you aren't working with a therapist? I really recommend if you start working with a therapist you find one who is experienced in trauma and one that doesn't think you have to process all the memories. My therapist has never pushed me to process memories. She follows my lead. Often, things in real life stir stuff up and we talk about that, which means we are also talking about trauma issues. I've been with her 6 years now and we are only now beginning to really talk about more of the memories and deeper issues. That's because I guess maybe, I'm ready. (Ugh). I'm tired of the nightmares and they've gotten more pointed. Having said that, she still doesn't push. She says this isn't a race and trying to go too fast, doesn't work. Then you just get too triggered/dissociated and in crisis, which means you have to deal with that and aren't working on memories. Also, the point is to heal not do harm. If you are getting super triggered, you can just be creating more triggers and negative associations.
 
I completely understand what you are sharing. I have no untraumatized me. My earliest memory is about 4 years old. No telling what went on before that.
But you did answer a question for me.
I have been anti authority as long as I can remember. A fighter and a scrapper. The fight response has saved me many times.
With all that being said,
I would always bristle when 'family' constantly ctiticized and made me the scapegoat.
They didn't like or approve of who I was, and never showed or taught me another way to do things. All the while contributing to my attitude and distress.
I go left to this day if someone criticizes me. With all these tools at my disposal, I do reel in faster. Try to think things thru.
But there was no me before. This is all I know.
Also explains why it is so hard for me to internalize change.
In
I've often wondered off I was on the Autism spectrum somewhere. I could mimic the correct behavior...didn't mean I FELT any different.
I know I didn't help you with my answer and I am sorry.
But you have helped me beyond words...to bring another puzzle piece together.
Thank you from my heart and hope you find direction and support.
Gentle hugs if you accept.
 
I think I am...I'd like to hear what other's think as well. I also wonder if what I have experienced is considered Complex PTSD. For me it's not quite as cut and dried as the textbook definition and would like to hear what others think.
 
I'm sorry you've been through so much. I relate very much to your post. I am also 46. I don't know how o...
Thank you so much! Your post has really helped me and given me some hope. No I am currently not in therapy, but I am looking for a therapist. My previous therapist does not take my insurance, so I am looking for someone new - and definitely someone specializing in trauma. It's good to know you are able to work on feeling. That just seems so overwhelming to me. When I do feel, it is so overwhelming - I try so hard to stuff it down as fast as I can. It's just too much. In my current triggered state, things are just way too much for me to handle at the moment. I wish it would all just go away. When I'm not being triggered, it's amazing how I can handle things. I feel like I'm such a different person. Still a non-feeling, disassociated person - but a different person :). I am hoping this new therapist will be a kind and gentle as yours. Thank you for sharing!
 
@Bubba Your post has made me realize just how much I have changed. I used to feel exactly as you do. I was the king of stuffing feelings. So it was nothing, stuffing or being completely overwhelmed. There is a lot less of that now.

One of the other things I'm starting to be able to separate out are now feelings and then feelings. As horrible as "then" feelings are, it helps to know it's PTSD memories. I do have to keep reminding myself but it tones done the flight or fight response which means the feelings are less intense. Also, when I realize it's a past feeling, I can start to try to ground in the now.

The process stinks. I wish it was easier. At first, before you learn the skills, the emotions do come out in overwhelming bursts. However, I guess that's like learning to ride a bike. You have to fall down a few times and then you start getting better. So, it's something to hold on to, when you are going through it, that it really can get better.
 
It is not unusual for someone with PTSD to not be in touch with their feelings. When I first joined this site, I started in the "What are you feeling" thread. Many, many times I had nothing, but thinking about it every day and working with a trauma therapist helped connect me with my feelings. They can be overwhelming when I'm triggered, but I've also worked on how to control myself when I am triggered. You don't have to be a victim of this, it takes hard work with a good therapist to get to a point where you can be satisfied with your life. I never had a before, so during therapy I had to find out who I was, not what others thought I was. I had to find out what I liked, and what I liked to do. I had to form my own opinions instead of echoing others. I had to start at age 4 and work my way forward. I'm still working on this. I used to live almost my whole life dissociated. It would be so bad that I would get annoyed when someone spoke to me and I had to come back to the real world to answer. It seemed that there was no way to heal from the messed up state I was in, but I slowly healed. During this process I lost my T when he took a new job, I was devastated, and retraumatized, I lost my last living brother to suicide, and I had 2 back surgeries. I still worked and got better. You can too. You can beat this and become the person you are, the one that is struggling to be seen and heard. Many of us here have been where you are, and have improved a lot from that point. The first step is to find a good therapist.
 
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