D
Deleted member 1860
I keep ruminating on this one, so I have got to get it out!
For years now, I have felt like I have no value in this world, that I shouldn't be alive because I contribute nothing. It has taken me FOREVER to realize that I do indeed have value as a person. (And believe you me, my family has been pounding it into my head for a veeeery long time that I do have value!)
So anyway, the other day this guy I know (I can't even say he's a friend anymore) starts to question me, asking me what my value is in this world. I am taken aback and shocked at his line of questioning. I am immediately put on the defensive. But, in my defense (no pun intended!), wouldn't anyone feel that this line of questioning is a bit intrusive? I think it would put most people on the defensive because they'd take it as the other person thinking they are valueless! (Well, outside of a job interview sort of situation, where you may be asked about what valuable qualities you bring to a company.) But a friend questioning your value? Weird.
I continue by naming a few things that make me valuable as a person, that I truly do care about my loved ones and would do anything for them, I care about making the world a better place, and a bunch of stuff like that. He retorts that these things are human basics and they don't add to my value. At this point I'm a bit shocked. Caring about people doesn't add to my value? I do beg to differ given how much I see in the world about people hating one another. I do believe we can use as much caring kindness as possible. He also says "well, so everyone has value?"....to which I reply "I would like to think so, but I can't speak for the whole world." And yes, I would like to think that everyone has SOME value in this world. I think its quite cynical to have the attitude that there are people on this planet who are completely value-less. And the bigger issue, who is he (or anybody) to judge that someone else has no value? Sigh.
At this point I shut down the conversation. I tell him that I don't feel the need to spout out my value to this world. I am very much in the "people can see my qualities, and if I have to tell them they are there, THEY AREN'T" sort of camp. I also hate to feel like I'm bragging, and felt like the conversation was going nowhere.
He then responds that I am playing the eternal victim and how its impossible for me to have an ADULT conversation! Whoa, wait, WHAT? This is his idea of an adult conversation? Jumping on my value as a human being? Disguising this as an adult conversation?!?
I told him that I may have ZERO unique qualities about myself. (With 7+ Billion people in the world, its a very real possibility!) I continued by saying that it isn't the uniqueness of the individual qualities that make someone valuable. It is how these qualities are put together to make a whole person. And yes, I am confident that even with 7+ billion people in the world, I am probably the only one with my exact combination of qualities! (We all are!)
I guess I needed to get this one out, because his conversation style feels very much like that of my narcissistic tendency mother.... She will pick and pick and pick at something, hoping for you to take the bait. When you do, its inevitable that you'll get upset at some point, because its a thinly veiled conversation that is disguised as "just a topic of conversation" but in reality has a very personal connotation underneath.
And you know what? Maybe I was indeed a little defensive. BUT, given that I'm so fresh out of the "I have NO value" mindset, I do believe this defensiveness was warranted. His words didn't make me retreat into thinking I have no value. Rather, maybe that conversation was a way of proving to myself that others may question my value, but I am finally feeling strong enough to not cave in again and feel worthless.
This "friendship" is indeed coming to an end as both of us have changed so very much over the past few years. I can't even say that I'm sad to see it end. I think at one point it was good for both of us, but I see him as he used to be, and he sees me as I used to be, and neither of us are those people anymore. And, our new selves aren't compatible in the least. :-(
But, I still can't wrap my head around someone thinking its OK to question someone else about their value in this world.
For years now, I have felt like I have no value in this world, that I shouldn't be alive because I contribute nothing. It has taken me FOREVER to realize that I do indeed have value as a person. (And believe you me, my family has been pounding it into my head for a veeeery long time that I do have value!)
So anyway, the other day this guy I know (I can't even say he's a friend anymore) starts to question me, asking me what my value is in this world. I am taken aback and shocked at his line of questioning. I am immediately put on the defensive. But, in my defense (no pun intended!), wouldn't anyone feel that this line of questioning is a bit intrusive? I think it would put most people on the defensive because they'd take it as the other person thinking they are valueless! (Well, outside of a job interview sort of situation, where you may be asked about what valuable qualities you bring to a company.) But a friend questioning your value? Weird.
I continue by naming a few things that make me valuable as a person, that I truly do care about my loved ones and would do anything for them, I care about making the world a better place, and a bunch of stuff like that. He retorts that these things are human basics and they don't add to my value. At this point I'm a bit shocked. Caring about people doesn't add to my value? I do beg to differ given how much I see in the world about people hating one another. I do believe we can use as much caring kindness as possible. He also says "well, so everyone has value?"....to which I reply "I would like to think so, but I can't speak for the whole world." And yes, I would like to think that everyone has SOME value in this world. I think its quite cynical to have the attitude that there are people on this planet who are completely value-less. And the bigger issue, who is he (or anybody) to judge that someone else has no value? Sigh.
At this point I shut down the conversation. I tell him that I don't feel the need to spout out my value to this world. I am very much in the "people can see my qualities, and if I have to tell them they are there, THEY AREN'T" sort of camp. I also hate to feel like I'm bragging, and felt like the conversation was going nowhere.
He then responds that I am playing the eternal victim and how its impossible for me to have an ADULT conversation! Whoa, wait, WHAT? This is his idea of an adult conversation? Jumping on my value as a human being? Disguising this as an adult conversation?!?
I told him that I may have ZERO unique qualities about myself. (With 7+ Billion people in the world, its a very real possibility!) I continued by saying that it isn't the uniqueness of the individual qualities that make someone valuable. It is how these qualities are put together to make a whole person. And yes, I am confident that even with 7+ billion people in the world, I am probably the only one with my exact combination of qualities! (We all are!)
I guess I needed to get this one out, because his conversation style feels very much like that of my narcissistic tendency mother.... She will pick and pick and pick at something, hoping for you to take the bait. When you do, its inevitable that you'll get upset at some point, because its a thinly veiled conversation that is disguised as "just a topic of conversation" but in reality has a very personal connotation underneath.
And you know what? Maybe I was indeed a little defensive. BUT, given that I'm so fresh out of the "I have NO value" mindset, I do believe this defensiveness was warranted. His words didn't make me retreat into thinking I have no value. Rather, maybe that conversation was a way of proving to myself that others may question my value, but I am finally feeling strong enough to not cave in again and feel worthless.
This "friendship" is indeed coming to an end as both of us have changed so very much over the past few years. I can't even say that I'm sad to see it end. I think at one point it was good for both of us, but I see him as he used to be, and he sees me as I used to be, and neither of us are those people anymore. And, our new selves aren't compatible in the least. :-(
But, I still can't wrap my head around someone thinking its OK to question someone else about their value in this world.