• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

BPD What not to say to someone with bpd

  • Thread starter Deleted member 31998
  • Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

Deleted member 31998

What NOT to Say to Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
***Please note that an additional post on how to support someone with BPD is coming up soon, including approaches and self-care tips for both the sufferer and the caregiver/support network***

Bipolar much?/You’re definitely Bipolar. For starters, Bipolar and BPD are entirely different diagnoses altogether. BPD moods change much quicker and more dramatically versus Bipolar (Type I and II) which will occur for prolonged periods of time (days, weeks, months). Many studies have concluded that Bipolar tends to be genetic and runs in families, while BPD is typically a result of trauma.

You can’t go from one extreme to another. Trying to tell someone, who has a distorted perception at that very moment, how to dictate their emotions is demeaning. An individual with this illness is (more often than not) well aware of their condition and what it entails. Stating the obvious is belittling.

People with BPD can’t be trusted/are pathological liars. This is entirely untrue. People without this diagnosis lie all the time. People in general lie for various reasons. To imply that it is mutually exclusive with BPD is unfair.

I don’t date people with BPD - they always sleep around/cheat/are promiscuous. Like anything else, people have different coping mechanisms. To deem every individual with BPD as someone who is promiscuous and unfaithful is harmful and further stigmatizes this mental illness. Although there are many people with this illness who do have a tendency to have multiple sexual partners, it is not a mutually exclusive trait to having BPD.

My friend also has BPD and he/she/they never cut themselves/drink in excess/drive recklessly/are impulsive/etc. Again, everyone reacts to things differently. Your said friend may have something entirely separate, such as a gambling addiction versus impulse shopping. Every symptom for every individual varies.

Quit being so impulsive. Similar to telling the sufferer not to “go from one extreme to another”. Impulsive behaviour is part and parcel with BPD and it’s a coping mechanism for individuals with this illness. It is not something that is gratifying, it is a temporary relief from inner turmoil.

Isn’t BPD incurable? It is hard to treat, but over time with a lot of dedication and seeing specialists, a high percentage of sufferers have noticed improvement in their daily living. This also includes the intrusive thoughts reducing drastically. Most individuals who commit to full treatment and focusing on moving forward state that it’s as if they no longer have BPD at all.

You’re just doing this for attention! A lot of the time the only way someone can cope with having this illness is through impulsive or unsafe behaviours and habits. It is not out of attention; please note that there are attention-hungry people of all backgrounds, with or without BPD. Once again, it is a coping mechanism that most sufferers are trying to overcome.

Just ignore the thoughts/put them out of your mind. That isn’t a very productive way to deal with things. The more you ignore thoughts, issues and problems, the less likely you are to solve them. This will only prolong any built up anxiety that is already stirring. Telling someone in crisis, especially someone who struggles with identity confusion, to ignore those thoughts will only gaslight them into a deeper inner crisis.

Saying nothing/not responding. As much as silence is all you can come up with in certain situations, abandonment issues are prominent in this disorder; laying awake at night wondering if the person you love suddenly hates you for no reason is a real thought that goes through the sufferer’s head. Even if you can’t sum up the words, silence can be enough to prolong mental health issues.

Do you have a personality disorder or something? Even if the person acknowledges that they have BPD, asking that implies that you perceive them as “crazy” or “unstable”. Let’s be real - people who ask this 9/10 times say it in a tone of voice that is condemning the person.

You’re impossible to love. Probably the biggest knife in anyone’s back, regardless of having a mental illness or not. This is amplified for anyone with this diagnosis because there is so much stigma around this disorder, causing the sufferer to feel like they aren’t worthy or love or can’t be loved. When you say that, you’re putting the person deeper into a state of self-sabotage. In addition to all this, having BPD is like having your emotional filter/layer stripped from you, causing you to feel emotions at a heightened sense

Calm down. This applies to just about every mental health issue out there. Telling someone to calm down isn’t going to be effective. In fact it will do the opposite; it will more than likely make the person feel like they are a burden and can’t confide in you.

Stop thinking about the past. Similar to the post some time back regarding post-traumatic stress/DESNOS/C-PTSD, having this disorder can be a result of trauma or an invalidated childhood. Telling someone to stop thinking about the past is not going to help them stop thinking about the past. It will only erase their struggles and make them feel like their problems are insignificant and don’t matter.

Grow up/don’t be such a child. That in itself is not only rude but extremely inconsiderate to say to someone who is aware that they are not, in fact, a child. Telling someone to grow up invalidates their struggles and implies that they are “juvenile” problems that only youth deal with.

You’re overreacting. Again with the self-awareness; a large majority of people with any mental health issue will still have a strong sense of self-awareness. Telling someone who is in the peak of their psychosis/melt down/etc. will only push them further away from you, as they will not feel you take them seriously.

Isn’t everyone a little Borderline? It doesn’t quite work that way; although every person with BPD is different from one another, there are determining factors that are specific to this illness. We all have sad days, but that doesn’t mean we’re depressed. We have days where we’re mad, but that doesn’t mean we need anger management. BPD is a constant cycle of emotions, yet unpredictable at the same time.

Please note that the bolding option did not come up - The first line of the paragraph is what people typically say to those with BPD.
 
Just popping in with the usual disclaimer that this is a board for PTSD, with members either suffering from or supporting someone with PTSD. Everyone here posts in their private capacity and you can't know who someone is online so please be cautious when following advice on how to support X as we can't verify credentials or know that well meaning members have any expertise to inform their opinion.

Take what's helpful and leave the rest.
 
I don't fit the BPD mold fully (though diagnosed with BPD) as I don't exhibt the level of manipulation that most with BPD do but as a supporter it can be quite difficult to not say some of these things. Lets be real, when you are manipulated you are pissed off and have some real concern and even lost trust. In my 20s I have been known to manipulate a lot more then todat without meaning to. I would send pictures of my cuts saying "look what you made me do". Looking back it was a large scream for help but on the other side of it that is a large manipulation and who would not have an exteme reaction to being sent that?

It is easy to say "what not to say to someone with BPD" but it's not so easy to be a supporter of someone with BPD. As a rule of thumb or as a guide this is ok but we are all human with human reactions and I think sufferers forget that and don't realize just how hard it is to be a supporter. Taking sometime to read around in the supporter area on the site can give you some insight about how it is to be a supporter of PTSD. It is equally hard, if not harder, to be a supporter of BPD. So though I would agree with this as a guide, I do not agree with this as a "must not do". The BPDer is still responsible for their own actions and this thread, in a large part, is taking that responsibilty and putting it on the supporters, in my opinion, and that is wrong to do.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top