Teasel
Sponsor
I feel slightly sick even trying to write this. I have been through hell in the past few years.
Partly cause of being in an emotionally abusive relationship for over a decade. Where at the same time as me gaining some little confidence and knowledge of his games I began to stand up for myself and the abuse became much worse.
Partly cause of a whole history of abuse that I've not been able to get suitable help for. (Though i did find CBT very helpful in helping me to learn to better deal with some of my thinking).
Partly cause my coping mechanisms have not been healthy ones.
Partly cause I've become very isolated and anxious around people (the emotional abuse from my partner has certainly played a part in this).
Partly cause I lost my Dad very quickly to cancer <3
I also had 2 years of therapy which I think did more harm than good. (Twice)
So anyway, I think I may have been misdiagnosed in the summer. Which felt like one more slap in the face of too damned many of em.
Standing up for myself has always been a bit difficult for me, and over the past years it has become even more difficult - brings up such a mess of complicated and terribly painful feelings.
I want to have the diagnoses double checked.
But recently most every attempt made by me to get anywhere has failed horribly.
One thing that I'm sure contributes to me getting no where when trying to speak up for myself is where I am coming from energetically, having been scapegoated muchly ie a position of no status, weakness, vulnerability, shame, desperation... Feeling not worthy of being believed by another, and feeling helpless to correct people when they define me and my reality for me.
As long as I can remember, if someone talks about something bad that happened to them, I will immediately feel guilty, even though the bad thing has feck all to do with me.
So I guess I am trying to untangle the knots a little in this thread
Just want to cry now
Will come back to it.
Would appreciate any helpful responses
Partly cause of being in an emotionally abusive relationship for over a decade. Where at the same time as me gaining some little confidence and knowledge of his games I began to stand up for myself and the abuse became much worse.
Partly cause of a whole history of abuse that I've not been able to get suitable help for. (Though i did find CBT very helpful in helping me to learn to better deal with some of my thinking).
Partly cause my coping mechanisms have not been healthy ones.
Partly cause I've become very isolated and anxious around people (the emotional abuse from my partner has certainly played a part in this).
Partly cause I lost my Dad very quickly to cancer <3
I also had 2 years of therapy which I think did more harm than good. (Twice)
So anyway, I think I may have been misdiagnosed in the summer. Which felt like one more slap in the face of too damned many of em.
Standing up for myself has always been a bit difficult for me, and over the past years it has become even more difficult - brings up such a mess of complicated and terribly painful feelings.
I want to have the diagnoses double checked.
But recently most every attempt made by me to get anywhere has failed horribly.
One thing that I'm sure contributes to me getting no where when trying to speak up for myself is where I am coming from energetically, having been scapegoated muchly ie a position of no status, weakness, vulnerability, shame, desperation... Feeling not worthy of being believed by another, and feeling helpless to correct people when they define me and my reality for me.
As long as I can remember, if someone talks about something bad that happened to them, I will immediately feel guilty, even though the bad thing has feck all to do with me.
So I guess I am trying to untangle the knots a little in this thread
Just want to cry now
Will come back to it.
Would appreciate any helpful responses