Until recently, I had a lot of my triggers under control, in fact, I almost forgot what an attack felt like. Today is my birthday, a milestone- getting older- type, and I've pretty much let the flood gates open. My anxiety is through the roof. Things are bothering me. It's such a huge mixture I wasn't sure where to post. My latest attack began like this. My children are my triggers and it makes me feel horrible. Like the worst person alive.
1.) I was sexually abused as a child by a male, a young male so I have a hard time connecting with my nine year old son. Sometimes I look at him and am afraid he might be- don't know how to explain it. Sexual predator is a strong word- I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry. I have no issues with my daughter, but it's hard to hug my sons as he gets older. It's not all the time, just in trigger moments.
2.) My seven-year-old son asked me questions about when he was a baby, but I can't remember the first year of his life. It feels like a dream, like I can remember parts, but not everything. Not keep in mind I can remember so much about my other kids. When my son was born, something traumatic happened to my family. I found out my husband had cheated on me and he had a two-year-old child with a woman I despised. On top of it, I had postpartum depression ( which I hid from everyone) from a five-month miscarriage right before I got pregnant with him. So this was a double whammy. So sometimes I think about when my son was little and these trigger the feelings of my marriage falling apart and losing that baby. It's hard. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD, which I know feels so stupid when people have PTSD for much harder things and here I am getting it because I can't handle some life events.
3.) My husband began seeing another woman when I was pregnant with my third child, a girl. He left us when she was only a few months old and I had to go back to work full- time with three kids under five. It was a hard time, I ended up in therapy for PTSD and depression, we even got into a fight which resulted in me being put in jail. Sometimes I look at her and begin crying because of how sad I was when she was first born. My husband- yeah somehow we are still together lol- and I aren't having more kids but I feel this emptiness inside because pregnancies are supposed to be this wonderful time- but mine were filled with heartache.
Okay so I'm not one of those people who are gonna kill their kids, believe me, I'm just a person who is sad because my kids remind me of painful things and it makes me feel guilty all the time and sad all the time.
I guess I'm looking for someone who may have a similar trigger and may have advice about what they do.
1.) I was sexually abused as a child by a male, a young male so I have a hard time connecting with my nine year old son. Sometimes I look at him and am afraid he might be- don't know how to explain it. Sexual predator is a strong word- I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry. I have no issues with my daughter, but it's hard to hug my sons as he gets older. It's not all the time, just in trigger moments.
2.) My seven-year-old son asked me questions about when he was a baby, but I can't remember the first year of his life. It feels like a dream, like I can remember parts, but not everything. Not keep in mind I can remember so much about my other kids. When my son was born, something traumatic happened to my family. I found out my husband had cheated on me and he had a two-year-old child with a woman I despised. On top of it, I had postpartum depression ( which I hid from everyone) from a five-month miscarriage right before I got pregnant with him. So this was a double whammy. So sometimes I think about when my son was little and these trigger the feelings of my marriage falling apart and losing that baby. It's hard. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD, which I know feels so stupid when people have PTSD for much harder things and here I am getting it because I can't handle some life events.
3.) My husband began seeing another woman when I was pregnant with my third child, a girl. He left us when she was only a few months old and I had to go back to work full- time with three kids under five. It was a hard time, I ended up in therapy for PTSD and depression, we even got into a fight which resulted in me being put in jail. Sometimes I look at her and begin crying because of how sad I was when she was first born. My husband- yeah somehow we are still together lol- and I aren't having more kids but I feel this emptiness inside because pregnancies are supposed to be this wonderful time- but mine were filled with heartache.
Okay so I'm not one of those people who are gonna kill their kids, believe me, I'm just a person who is sad because my kids remind me of painful things and it makes me feel guilty all the time and sad all the time.
I guess I'm looking for someone who may have a similar trigger and may have advice about what they do.