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What To Do When Your Children Are The Trigger.

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Serenitea

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Until recently, I had a lot of my triggers under control, in fact, I almost forgot what an attack felt like. Today is my birthday, a milestone- getting older- type, and I've pretty much let the flood gates open. My anxiety is through the roof. Things are bothering me. It's such a huge mixture I wasn't sure where to post. My latest attack began like this. My children are my triggers and it makes me feel horrible. Like the worst person alive.
1.) I was sexually abused as a child by a male, a young male so I have a hard time connecting with my nine year old son. Sometimes I look at him and am afraid he might be- don't know how to explain it. Sexual predator is a strong word- I don't know how to explain it. I'm sorry. I have no issues with my daughter, but it's hard to hug my sons as he gets older. It's not all the time, just in trigger moments.

2.) My seven-year-old son asked me questions about when he was a baby, but I can't remember the first year of his life. It feels like a dream, like I can remember parts, but not everything. Not keep in mind I can remember so much about my other kids. When my son was born, something traumatic happened to my family. I found out my husband had cheated on me and he had a two-year-old child with a woman I despised. On top of it, I had postpartum depression ( which I hid from everyone) from a five-month miscarriage right before I got pregnant with him. So this was a double whammy. So sometimes I think about when my son was little and these trigger the feelings of my marriage falling apart and losing that baby. It's hard. My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD, which I know feels so stupid when people have PTSD for much harder things and here I am getting it because I can't handle some life events.

3.) My husband began seeing another woman when I was pregnant with my third child, a girl. He left us when she was only a few months old and I had to go back to work full- time with three kids under five. It was a hard time, I ended up in therapy for PTSD and depression, we even got into a fight which resulted in me being put in jail. Sometimes I look at her and begin crying because of how sad I was when she was first born. My husband- yeah somehow we are still together lol- and I aren't having more kids but I feel this emptiness inside because pregnancies are supposed to be this wonderful time- but mine were filled with heartache.

Okay so I'm not one of those people who are gonna kill their kids, believe me, I'm just a person who is sad because my kids remind me of painful things and it makes me feel guilty all the time and sad all the time.
I guess I'm looking for someone who may have a similar trigger and may have advice about what they do.
 
I don't think you should feel guilty about this at all, and I don't think it makes you a terrible person. Actually, it seems quite natural to feel the way that you do and it's good that you are getting it out. Please do not be ashamed. Honestly, it really sounds like most of your pregnancies have been accompanied by extremely stressful and unpleasant situations -- so why wouldn't you feel sad and sometimes be triggered by your children? It seems quite normal to me. And I think that as long as you are honest with yourself and admitting that you have these feelings, you are fine. If you weren't aware of the feelings, I'd be more concerned. I'm in a similar situation right now -- about to give birth to a baby boy whose father became verbally and emotionally abusive with me when I became pregnant. The father took off and I am raising the baby alone, but I do at times find myself worrying that my baby will make me sad because he will remind me of the bullying and abuse by the father. I also worry that the baby will act like the father, and that will hurt me. Even now, before I've given birth, there are times when other women get all excited and overly enthusiastic about my pregnancy and deep down this irritates me because there is so much pain surrounding my circumstances. But at the end of the day I am able to put that aside. And it seems like you are able to do the same. I do wonder if you are happy with your husband after everything he's done, and if perhaps he is also a trigger? He sounds like a serial cheater and I just have to wonder if having him around hasn't caused you massive anxiety ....
 
My mother didn't have PTSD but she didn't like me much. And it was fairly obvious. I grew up sure that the problem was me. Apparently that's the way most kids think, but it's not an easy way to grow up. Have you considered some kind of family therapy? To help the whole group sort things out? It seems like it would be good to talk this out, at a level the kids can relate to, but it also seems like it would help to have a knowledgeable and neutral mediator.
 
I don't think you should feel guilty about this at all, and I don't think it makes you a terrible pers...
Do not blame the sins of the father on the child. It was something I had to keep reminding myself . Then I would think maybe the baby will turn him around to the guy I fell in love with? I decided to protect and love the ones who I could help....my children and it was the best decision of my life! Do I sometimes hear or see something in their mannerisms like their fathers? Yes, especially when their voices started changing, but I decided after many years of abuse that my children deserved to have the happiness I didn't....we deserved to be safe...and it would only be a "broken family" if both parents were broken. They deserved a healthy parent which is why I found what strength I could and escaped. Was it hard? Without a doubt, but once I left my abuser, people felt safe enough to come forward and assist. My children are well adjusted safe young adults and now it is time to take care of me. I knew what I needed to do so many years ago and it took four years to get up the courage to make the first step. It isn't easy, but you are reaching out for help which means you are strong and determined. Maybe work on getting a plan in place. ...there are women's groups who can help as well as therapists.
 
I can identify with your first point strongly.

I went through a stage when my youngest girl was a toddler, where I was always 'seeing' things that weren't there between her and my son (he was 12)
I drove myself up the wall trying to 'catch' him up to no good with her, then the resulting guilt id feel about having not trust him would cause me to be so distressed I couldn't even look my boy in the eye for fear he could see what I was thinking.

I was viewing him as a predator for simply being a boy and it was totally unfounded.

But at the same time, I was terrified id miss the signs if I turned a blind eye and became one of those denial mums.

So hard to deal with, especially as a CSA victim, you KNOW the damage your denial could cause, but you also know shaming your boy needlessly could be just as damaging for him.

As abnormal as it really is, I do think its a natural reaction for those of us survivors who became Mums to boys.

In time this will pass, thats all the comfort I can offer you.
Trust in your ability to raise a healthy well adjusted young man, because thats likely half the problem, as it was for me.

The rest though, I can only empathise with, my kids father was about as reliable as yours, but I've never had to look at my kids as triggers.
I hope you are receiving continued support for this, it sounds like a tough gig.

The brain is a bizarre organ isn't it?
I wonder if it would help at all to remind yourself when you look at your babies, that they aren't the cause of your pain, they are victims like you, concentrate on shifting those feelings to the cause, their sperm donor.
Easier said than done I know, but its possible to retrain your brain over time if you stick at it, I've seen it, and achieved it myself.

Love n hugs to you and your innocent babies xxx
 
My therapist diagnosed me with PTSD, which I know feels so stupid when people have PTSD for much harder things and here I am getting it because I can't handle some life events.

Now wait a min, didnt you also say:

I was sexually abused as a child by a male,

Thats not "not being able to handle life events", throw in loosing a child (very sorry to hear), postpartum and husband not just cheating but fathering a child and now children are a bit older which reminds you of you past as a child and now you have an emotional storm. The inabilty to remember is likely because you spent a good majority of the time just going through the motions, especially after loosing the baby. Theres a grieving time.

I get it. I dont have and cant have kids but i get it. Actually the main reason I cant have kids to due to a forced at home abortion when i was a teenager. When ive talked about it ive said different ages, not because im lying but because time sort of mushes together. A lot of the times i was dissociated and so i know the act happened but to remember anything else i wont be able to do. Could you have been disocissated in the early yrs of your son? Being reminded of the baby you lost? Did you greive that baby? Im still grieving for him or her and its almost 20 yrs later. He or she has a name, 2 names as i dont know if it was a boy or a girl...actually i dont know if i was even preg and neither did they but i still grieve. As should you, as long as you need.

I think its natural as your oldest gets older to be reminded of your childhood. Are you in therapy? I ask for 2 reasons. You need to work through all of this and you need to do so while making sure all of your kids understand and never doubts that you love them. Does that make sense? I am not saying that to make you feel more guilty, you have enough of that. It is not your fault, it is the fault of your abusers but therapy can help you and your entire family work through all of this.

Are you still with the man that cheated on you? If so id do individual therapy and marriage/couples therapy. You two need to work that out so that it isnt affecting you and he wont and you know he wont again.

Does all of that make sense?
 
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