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What to do with erotic transference

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Quakegirl

Learning
ugh.

As a child/teenager, the only form of comfort I had was...well, self comfort. I guess it was inevitable, given how starved of any other kind of caring I was; and that it was a very sexualised environment.

Anyway. I am trying to teach myself other ways.

And also to leave my T out of this aspect of my being, as sex = comfort on my own, but sex with another = huge confusion. Even just the thought of it. It often turns violent in my head, and it spills over into the therapy. Like it does in real life, where the person I am with, even the safest person on the planet (H) feels like a sexual aggressor.

I don't want to be having these feelings for my T, but they are here. I have talked with him about how I have yearnings to be held by him. But not this.

This is just too shameful and wrong and not what I want, on so many levels. How can I keep it out of my therapy? I
 
I ended up with a female T.

I know some people have the theory that having a male T helps a patient actually work through stuff like this, but for me, the progress I made in every other area once I was no longer trying to overcome the conscious and subconscious threat of trying to work with a malebT was... HUGE! The issues are there, and yes, I need to work on them, but actually I need to be safe with my T first and foremost.

Having to share the recovery path with our T is actually a pretty intimate thing, and depending on your situation, it can be confusing enough trying to keep that relationship healthy as it is.
 
If you want to keep it out of your current therapy find a therapist of the sex you are not attracted to.

AS @Ragdoll Circus says.... this allows progress to be made in other areas, HOWEVER since the issue is in an area that will cause problems in finding a partner it is possibly a good idea to return to your current therapist to work through the erotic transference at a later date.

Many types of therapy divide up the process of healing into several steps, with the Transferential side of things happening after more behavioural aspects have been dealt with.
 
I've never had this problem... although a good candidate for it.

My issue is more of turning my therapist into a father figure. He knows that and so set boundaries on his own to prevent transference from happening.

Finding a therapist that is of the gender you are not attracted to is a good suggestion. My only concern is how serious a problem is this and is this something you need to be working on in therapy?

Of course there are other issues. Who doesn't have them in everyday life and a lot of work is needed to deal with that. One issue at a time.

If transference is exclusive to the one currently involved in your healing then that's one problem, but if it's one of the problems you need to address, that's something else.
 
Thanks, all...I've been thinking, which is why it took me so long to get back here.

I really appreciate the suggestion re other gender T but I already had a really messed up T relationship with a woman, which is how I came to settle on a man (I'm hetero and happily married, but the transf/counter transference mess we got ourselves into left me wondering for ages if I really wasn't. Hetero, that is).

As it turns out, the sex doesn't seem to matter - the dynamics play out the same, and I'm finding myself back at the cross-roads where everything when so badly wrong with former T. Except I rationally know this T is not going to go there. Even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

And yes, this is i a really big issue for me. One that is absolutely present in my life, in the way I interact with men, the urges and fears I have, how I see my husband, how much shame I carry, and so much more. I don't think I can side step it. It needs to be addressed front and centre.

I didn't plan to, but I took a deep breath and took the plunge today, telling him how entangled comfort and sexual aggression are for me, that I didn't fully understand it, but it was causing me a great deal of pain. I even told him that given a choice between comfort and r**pe, I'd choose the later. Not because I want for that to happen, but because it feels more threatening than comfort He already knows about how I get intrusive images of both, in my head, involving him. So he would put two and two together without any effort at all.

It felt right to flag it as the next big area for exploration. Again, not that I intended to do that, but the time felt right, and I am very committed to this therapy. I want to finish it this time, and I want to stop living with shame for things that belong in the long, distant past, that I shouldn't be carrying at all. I want them out in the light, for the unspeakable to be speakable, and to be able to truly accept what I went through and what I did to get through it in one piece.

Whether I'll actually be able to do it, I don't know. But there's no hurry. He's reassured me he is here for the long haul, that he fully accepts this to take time, and it will take as long as it takes.
 
yep, its because its not really about sex...its about how we have learned to be 'comforted'

Does that mean I WANT to be r*ped???? That is what is really scaring me right now

And does it mean deep down I WANT him to cross the line....like old T?? That scares me even more (that I would want that, given how much pain it caused me)
 
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I am not sure I have much to add other than there are 168 hours in a week. I spend one hour a week with my therapist talking about myself. If it helps to put things in a realistic perspective, you ideally wouldn't sleep with, fall in love with, someone you spend one hour a week with. The attraction to his comfort is really just filling the need of someone being there. Perhaps if you seek out healthy relationships outside of therapy you may not feel the need to attach to your therapist in the same way. I don't think you want to be raped. It's just confusing right now bc you clearly are seeking attachment to someone and it just so happens to be him. Hang in there. Be kind to yourself while you work this out.
 
A good therapist will help you work out why you feel this way. They will also guide you along the path of change.

It will take time.... and there will be bumps on the road. The probable objective is to be able to have close relationships, like the one with your therapist without them being derailed by heavy duty transference.

Transference/Counter-transference doesn't just happen in the therapy room..... it happens wherever people interact. If you are feeling like this in the therapy room, it will be negatively affecting other interactions...... so stick with it in the therapy room, for most people it's the only place they can work through this stuff.
 
Wow! This is really heavy stuff you're dealing with. No kidding you're afraid and insecure. You must be second guessing yourself about everything. - at least I would be.

Honestly, I'm not really sure how to respond here.

I really don't think this has much if anything to do with sex at all. As has already been mentioned, the real need is for a healthy compassionate relationship in life outside of therapy.

Right now, your therapist fills an empty spot and so you begin to transfer feelings to him.

It's not an issue to be ashamed of but as you said, needs to be addressed head on. I'm glad everything has finally come out... do you feel any relief? You said, the time just seemed right - then it probably was. Something really hard came out for me a couple of weeks ago and completely derailed me. But it was probably the right time for that too.

I really hope you're able to develop a plan with your T in dealing with this together in a healthy way. Therapists are trained in this and once all the info is on the table, they can then put the right boundaries into place for both of you and then begin to move forward.

I really am proud of you for sharing this. Getting it out in the open and being committed to continue the therapy - that takes a lot of courage.
 
Thanks...

I don't really feel any relief, it seems like as soon as I get brave enough to bring something really hard into the open, another really hard thing lines up behind it.

Like, when an airport has been closed for hours and there are a bunch of planes lined up, one after the other, just waiting for their turn. I let one scary thing out, and the whole lot clamour for a take-off slot.

The hardest thing for me is to let myself remember, without shutting down or doing other crazy stuff, the ways I coped with the mess of my childhood at the time. Lots of it sexual and it feels so shameful, I don't know how I would ever tell anyone.

I know if I did tell T, he would tell me it wasn't my fault. I dealt with things the best way I could, given the skills & resources I had at the time. I can hear him saying something like that, and I can say it to myself. Is that enough?

The comfort/rape thing: I realized today that it's not either-or. It's a continuum. I have zero trust in comfort from other human beings, because it feels like it always leads to hurt. So might as well just skip to that bit and get it over with. Sad. But there it is.

And more I let my feelings back into my life again..it feels like, the more my sexuality wakes up. It's scaring me senseless and I wish it would go away again :(
 
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