ugh.
As a child/teenager, the only form of comfort I had was...well, self comfort. I guess it was inevitable, given how starved of any other kind of caring I was; and that it was a very sexualised environment.
Anyway. I am trying to teach myself other ways.
And also to leave my T out of this aspect of my being, as sex = comfort on my own, but sex with another = huge confusion. Even just the thought of it. It often turns violent in my head, and it spills over into the therapy. Like it does in real life, where the person I am with, even the safest person on the planet (H) feels like a sexual aggressor.
I don't want to be having these feelings for my T, but they are here. I have talked with him about how I have yearnings to be held by him. But not this.
This is just too shameful and wrong and not what I want, on so many levels. How can I keep it out of my therapy? I
As a child/teenager, the only form of comfort I had was...well, self comfort. I guess it was inevitable, given how starved of any other kind of caring I was; and that it was a very sexualised environment.
Anyway. I am trying to teach myself other ways.
And also to leave my T out of this aspect of my being, as sex = comfort on my own, but sex with another = huge confusion. Even just the thought of it. It often turns violent in my head, and it spills over into the therapy. Like it does in real life, where the person I am with, even the safest person on the planet (H) feels like a sexual aggressor.
I don't want to be having these feelings for my T, but they are here. I have talked with him about how I have yearnings to be held by him. But not this.
This is just too shameful and wrong and not what I want, on so many levels. How can I keep it out of my therapy? I