I started this thread in response to a request for further info from @Pencil.
The below may be a little long, but I would love to be able to help each other. I start with a new T in a few days and I'm very nervous and still trying to come to terms with what when wrong (and how it went wrong) with my ex T. I'm hoping if I understand, then I will manage my new T better.
I started therapy work with the goal of improving my parenting. The first thing that went wrong is when I went to my local doctor for a referral and she assumed that I was abusing my kids and actually put that on the paperwork for the request for therapy. (Ahhhhh!!!!!) I had to hold really strong to get her to remove it. My issue with my kids is NOT that I'm abusive, its that I am a bit overprotective and they are growing up and I would like to feel more comfortable allowing them more independence.
I then went to the T. I’m still trying to piece together what went wrong in T and reading other peoples threads have helped me articulate it…but I’m sure I haven’t worked it all out yet.
Basically her approach was memory recovery work. Her goal was to have me remember and describe to her the sexual abuse that happened. I have always had a clear memory of a few specific events, but I know more happened as I have information with respect to timelines etc). I had trouble telling her what I remembered and she encouraged me to write it down and hand it over to her (this meant I told her things I wasn't ready to tell her). She also wanted me to remember more and gave me exercises to ‘help’ me remember more (they didn’t work and I felt like a failure, with the added bonus of putting me in a really dark place).
Throughout the process I had been trying to tell my T that I was heading to a bad place (I get a freeze response and so its really hard, and sometimes impossible, to talk). I told her how I was struggling at home afterwards and also that I struggled during our T sessions, how I would be blacking out (tunnel vision, going black etc) while she was talking and I was struggling to stay present. She replied with commenting that I was very hard to read, and she couldn’t tell when I was upset. Point is that she was pushing way too hard and she was not able to tell that this is what she was doing, and when I tried to explain it to her, she didn’t ‘get’ it. Even when I told her about my SI, she acknowledged it from a theoretical level…but didn’t see it as an issue, and we continued to push on.
At one session while doing memory recovery she then started to theorise of what may have happened, including her proposing a very specific ‘threat’ that one of my abusers may have made. To my current memory, he never performed/made that threat and this ‘threat’ of hers gave me nightmares and made me scared of my bedroom (which previously was a source of comfort and my abuse never happened in any of my bedrooms). I texted her about this and how it wasn’t going well…to cut a long story short, the conclusion was to reduce the frequency of my T sessions. At the time I agreed that the T sessions were making me worse, and that reducing the frequency would reduce the impact.
Eventually, I had the courage to stop going and the longer I have been away the more I can see that the course of therapy I was on was damaging to me. Its been about 2mths since I've seen anyone and I'm getting better. My SI has gone, the number of hours I spend in bed each day recovering have decreased...but...I'm nowhere near as well as I was 6mths ago (ie prior to starting T). Prior to starting T I had heaps of limitations (eg rules to avoid a myriad of triggers), but my life was pretty okay.
I'm really scared of seeing this new T. My husband doesn't want me to go. He sees the current not-quite-functioning me and just wants me to be back to who I was 6mths ago (he never minded my limitations). I'm not sure if or how I can get back to who I was 6mths ago. I don't know what to do. Every fibre of my being regrets starting this process. I knew it was a risk (which is why I put it off for 20 years)...I thought I'd be able to cope, but I'm not coping.
Sorry for the long rant. Thanks for listening. If anyone has suggestions or insights, I would love to hear them.
The below may be a little long, but I would love to be able to help each other. I start with a new T in a few days and I'm very nervous and still trying to come to terms with what when wrong (and how it went wrong) with my ex T. I'm hoping if I understand, then I will manage my new T better.
I started therapy work with the goal of improving my parenting. The first thing that went wrong is when I went to my local doctor for a referral and she assumed that I was abusing my kids and actually put that on the paperwork for the request for therapy. (Ahhhhh!!!!!) I had to hold really strong to get her to remove it. My issue with my kids is NOT that I'm abusive, its that I am a bit overprotective and they are growing up and I would like to feel more comfortable allowing them more independence.
I then went to the T. I’m still trying to piece together what went wrong in T and reading other peoples threads have helped me articulate it…but I’m sure I haven’t worked it all out yet.
Basically her approach was memory recovery work. Her goal was to have me remember and describe to her the sexual abuse that happened. I have always had a clear memory of a few specific events, but I know more happened as I have information with respect to timelines etc). I had trouble telling her what I remembered and she encouraged me to write it down and hand it over to her (this meant I told her things I wasn't ready to tell her). She also wanted me to remember more and gave me exercises to ‘help’ me remember more (they didn’t work and I felt like a failure, with the added bonus of putting me in a really dark place).
Throughout the process I had been trying to tell my T that I was heading to a bad place (I get a freeze response and so its really hard, and sometimes impossible, to talk). I told her how I was struggling at home afterwards and also that I struggled during our T sessions, how I would be blacking out (tunnel vision, going black etc) while she was talking and I was struggling to stay present. She replied with commenting that I was very hard to read, and she couldn’t tell when I was upset. Point is that she was pushing way too hard and she was not able to tell that this is what she was doing, and when I tried to explain it to her, she didn’t ‘get’ it. Even when I told her about my SI, she acknowledged it from a theoretical level…but didn’t see it as an issue, and we continued to push on.
At one session while doing memory recovery she then started to theorise of what may have happened, including her proposing a very specific ‘threat’ that one of my abusers may have made. To my current memory, he never performed/made that threat and this ‘threat’ of hers gave me nightmares and made me scared of my bedroom (which previously was a source of comfort and my abuse never happened in any of my bedrooms). I texted her about this and how it wasn’t going well…to cut a long story short, the conclusion was to reduce the frequency of my T sessions. At the time I agreed that the T sessions were making me worse, and that reducing the frequency would reduce the impact.
Eventually, I had the courage to stop going and the longer I have been away the more I can see that the course of therapy I was on was damaging to me. Its been about 2mths since I've seen anyone and I'm getting better. My SI has gone, the number of hours I spend in bed each day recovering have decreased...but...I'm nowhere near as well as I was 6mths ago (ie prior to starting T). Prior to starting T I had heaps of limitations (eg rules to avoid a myriad of triggers), but my life was pretty okay.
I'm really scared of seeing this new T. My husband doesn't want me to go. He sees the current not-quite-functioning me and just wants me to be back to who I was 6mths ago (he never minded my limitations). I'm not sure if or how I can get back to who I was 6mths ago. I don't know what to do. Every fibre of my being regrets starting this process. I knew it was a risk (which is why I put it off for 20 years)...I thought I'd be able to cope, but I'm not coping.
Sorry for the long rant. Thanks for listening. If anyone has suggestions or insights, I would love to hear them.